What If

Your eyes sparkled the first time we meet
your chatter made me smile
when I first kissed you....I knew you
and when we made love, you fit me.

I knew you felt what I felt but
the reality swept in every time you had to leave
Even with Venezuela on the window and Michell
playing as the backdrop to our
love affair,
the pain cut deep


What if there was no where to rush too?
You never left me for him
What if you stayed in my bed after love making?
Your naked body next to mine...permanent.
What if you didn't have to wipe me away?
You never had to hide our sex
What if you stay with me...your choice?
Your lips on my lips.
What if you were free?

The knowledge that there could have been
a paralleled life to this one..
Another possible out come.....
it's maddening to think....

the poison is in the blood
the wounds have not healed
there was no chance for a future.

The Truth

It doesn't matter the reality of the situation.
It doesn't matter we can't seem to get it together.
It doesn't matter that we have analyzed, dissected, prodded and hurt each other to no end.
The truth is.....I have always ached for you and when you break up
with me time and time again, it rips my heart out every single time.
The truth is I feel so alone without you and have felt that way for quite some time.
I have always wanted and needed you but you have kept your emotional distance.

The truth is I ache for you right now and the emptiness is a dark hole.

Stayed to Long Part 2

I just reread my posting of 3 weeks ago and the Essence of the poem, "Stayed to Long" is just as powerful and true now as when I wrote it.
There is something inside of me that is not happy or satisfied with Trish. I don't know why I keep going back.I guess there is a big part of me that wants it to work so badly and for so many reasons that the truth that we don't make each other happy keeps getting shoved aside. We have had happy moments and we have pleased each other but it's always fleeting and inevitably we let each other down in very painful ways.

I watched a show on Oprah yesterday about men who had been sexually abused as children. I didn't think I could relate to the shows theme but the raw emotions and pain touched me very deeply. What I learned from the show has given me a clearer understanding about why I do what I do and that you have to let go of the bad to move forward. You have to create your own safe environment for yourself and your inner kid to be healthy. You have to stop beating yourself up for what you can't control.
I still feel like a failure and I will for awhile but this was an unhealthy relationship for me. I wanted to be heard, I wanted her to be what I wanted and I wanted to be happy.

There were so many wonderful qualities that attracted me to Trish but there were also qualities that weren't healthy for the type of person that I am. Even though a big part of me plays the role of a Boi, my heart is soft and feminine. I needed someone that communicated softer and was able to see pass the outer exterior and tread softly even when I couldn't. I saw the things that weren't good for me but because I was lonely and wanted a relationship so badly, I wore blinders. Now the blinders are off and I see what I didn't see then. It's not her fault, it's my responsibility to me to choose wisely. To be good to myself. To accept what I can not change and to accept the flaws in myself as well as in other people.
Somewhere inside of me I have an expectation of myself and others that is hard to live up to. I may live the rest of my life alone because of those expectations.

Thanks to Trish and this relationship, I will not enter another relationship with someone with rose colored glasses. It's not fair to me and definitely not fair to someone else.

I think the one great quality that brought me back time and time again was Trish's heart. When her guard was down and she wasn't distant and tough and I was able to touch her in her soft places, that connection was what held me to her. I just wish she had been strong enough to stay in that place when I wasn't. I needed her to be the soft rock, port or whatever you want to call it. I needed her to understand me and my inconsistencies and as much as I complained, I also sang her praises. I am not an easy person to be with and I know it but if I get what I want, I give you what you need. Sadly, that never happened.

Stayed to long

I loved you so much yet,I stayed to long.
I didn't know when enough was enough,
Words of blame thrown around like Small daggers, small cuts that
eventually become open wounds and never healed.
I stayed to long..... I wanted the dream of us no matter what the consequences to
my heart, my soul, my sanity and your happiness.
You were a drug that stopped the loneliness, that made me feel whole...full.

I stayed to long, even when I knew you couldn't give me what I wanted
I was drawn to your eyes, your lips and the promise of love ever after
The love making.....was......a place of dreams and rainbows and sweet fairies...
of peace and calm.....
I lived for those times but

I stayed to long...
Those moments never had legs that could walk
in this world, the real world.
I was devastated, I am devastated by that knowledge.
Why couldn't it have been...?

I stayed to long...waiting for something to change...waiting for that connection
to become stronger maybe? Each of us wanting the other to what?
Give in, give up....give?

I stayed to long and now.....we no longer connect.
We no longer can talk to each other without pain and hurt and disappointment.
I stayed to long and now.....

the love is replaced by bitterness of a dream lost.

The Line

To be in a position where you finally realize that you do have a line that can be crossed is a bittersweet moment.I don't care about appearances or the Jones. I don't gossip and I do try to strive to be a better person.There have been amazing experiences in recent years that have taught me how to come out of myself and give to others like no other time in my life but I have also allowed myself to be used and emotionally stepped upon because I am a very giving, caring and forgiving person. I have always tried to see the best in people and the people I love, get even further slack. No matter what the manipulation, or how selfish that person is I give them the benefit of the doubt. I figure I am the queen of manipulation and guilt tactics so who am I to judge?

But there is a line. There is a point where you realize that the balance of negative energy out weights the positive. Where someone in your life is dragging you into their depression, their angst and their unhappiness. There are very few happy moments between you. That neither one of you is being heard and you do try over and over again to capture the best between you, to change the way things are, to have a voice in your destiny, to have balance of positive space and you fill up on those fleeting moments because you know, sadly, they don't stay long but you keep plugging on hoping....hoping for things to get better.

Each time something happens, a word, a phrase, a perceived slight, a selfish moment etc.... you both step away, hoping that when you get back together, something has changed for the better.That some how you can be happy together. After all, look at everything you've been through as a couple? Are we not warriors in love? Have we not battled the ghosts of the past, the present?

Then something happens that brings the full reality into your face.You get kicked in the emotional balls and your heart and your mind finally agree. It's enough. That nothing will change. That you will never have the kind of future you have been hoping for.That happiness with that person is fleeting. That it doesn't matter what she says or does, it can't be fixed this time. No words of love or anger is going to bring you back into that loving place because for whatever the reason, the line was finally crossed and there is no going back.

For now....I am alone and I think it's going to stay that way. I will find work, do my mentoring, love my friends and family the best way I can and remember if it wasn't for this relationship, I don't think I could have done this without her. She awoke in me a wonderful sleeping giant and I am so grateful for that. Now......I continue to move forward and let life lead me to wherever.I am becoming a full person again. The bitter irony, is she will not there to enjoy the fruits of all the hard work that got me here.

In Her Way

She simply can't let go of her past. I can't compete with Mike and I realize now it's never been his doing. I don't think he has ever really stood in my way except that he is still in love with Trish and will do whatever she asks of him and that has always made me feel uncomfortable but I don't blame him.She is a bright, funny sensual woman, whats not to love?
Trish just won't let go of the security that Mike offers her. She has never trusted me and our relationship and because of that, it has never rooted and I doubt it ever will.

Whom ever she involves herself with will have to accept she will never be 100% involved in a relationship with them. The pull of family is too strong because she never had one she could trust as a child until Mike...and he gives her all that she craves. How can you compete with that? She may want sex and passion from you but Mike has given her the meat and potatoes....you are just desert so why would she want to build a life with you?. It doesn't matter that you have given 2 years of your life to her. It doesnt matter that you want to create an extended family with her or that after all the shit we had put each other through, that your still here.

I have always seen a future that included a family. Not in a traditional sense but where friends and family would come over for special events. That it would be a mix of Gay, straight...whatever....people that we loved and cared about, sharing a holiday. Creating our own traditions.

Last night...she absolutely shattered my dreams. After all the work, pain and triumphs, she still puts me second. I will never have with her what I deserve and what she longs for. Her insensitivity is due to her not getting past...her past and not being able to see her future with me or someone else. She will not, can not create a life with me as long as she sees Mike as her prime caregiver and protector. I see the truth now and no matter how I wish it, it's not going to happen and unfold as it should.

It's time to take my toys and go home. I don't want or deserve this kind of pain and rejection. I want a future and if it's not with her, then with no one.If I am destined to be alone,.....so be it.

Ghosts of Abuse

Yelling. screaming, hitting....
child with a full bag of black, putrid words
Not good enough, stupid, do it my way, control

Carried what I learned to my lovers, my partners...
Do it my way, your way is not good..
What are you doing?
I am more a question, attitude, make faces abuser.
Arrogant when I speak, tone implies your stupid..
Like a silencer on a gun....a slow serpent with a deadly tongue.

When I erupt in my red hot anger....then I am my mother's daughter..
My father's punching bag...and I pull out all I have learned, all the anger...
the words of hate, pain....
Don't even see what I am doing wrong...
it's normal to me until....
My lover...says...you make me feel bad about myself...
I can never do anything right....
Can you not be supportive instead of tearing me apart?

I hate what I am, what my parents have produced and I know...
I am the only one who can change.....
I can continue and stay alone or
stay in the moment...stay in love.....kill the demon, the serpent within...
Let the ghosts of abuse evaporate
Be happy.

Admiration

I am the dreamer, the romantic...
I live in my head...
I live in my heart...
I live in a place of fairy's
and I try to stay away from the harshness
of reality.

I am aware of this world.
I have to live here....
Can I take you with me to mine,,,, from time to time?
I know I frustrate you with my fluidity...
my lack of focus...my forgetfulness.

You have the strength to live here.
You do bring me to this reality, to share my life with you..
I know it's a struggle as you don't understand where I go...
why I go....but your strength, your love, I am ever cognisant of your power.

I admire and detest your realism.
but...I can transport you to my world so easily.
you are the one who sees...
You are a writer after all! You see my stories, you are able to fly with me...
Such an amazing gift, don't you think?
You can live in both worlds effortlessly. Again...I admire you.

I struggle daily to stay in this world and not fade into the other.
Where.... you move through them as if there is no door!

You are capable of such great things.
I may never say this enough and I now know I don't.
You are my love, my muse.
I need to let you, be you.
I idealize you but at the same time, know you.
I romanticize you but am aware of your struggles, your pains, your life.
I dream of you but need to accept your realities.

You remind me what I am here for. What I need to accomplish and what...
the prize is...
what is waiting for me in this world.

I need to be able to make you happy in my love of you.
That is my journey to your heart and soul.
It will also lead to my own happiness.

The dreams

I had a dream last night. You were laying across your bed in that ripped green dress I love and you spoke softly to me about starting over. I caressed your smooth soft cool skin as you spoke, hypnotized by the tone of your voice. You did not speak in frustration, hurt or anger but from a place of love and contentment. From a place of peace....and you drew me in. You spoke of forgiveness and that the only way to know for sure if we were meant to be together was to wipe the slate clean. That we should start from here, now and allow whatever is to truly happen to us, unfold. I moved closer to you and kissed your lips. So warm and full and inviting. I stayed there for awhile, loving you.

Then I had another dream. We were at some sort of dance video that we had been asked to participate in. ( This one was probably inspired by Glee last night.) :) We were not happy with each other. Too much pain, to much talk to much blame had clouded our love. We were just tolerating each other but we had to perform in unison for the video shot. I had to dance behind you moving a shear flowing piece of material to the music but our hearts weren't in it. It lacked energy and love. A young woman came up to you trying to help, trying to get you more involved and she did! Her energy, vibrancy, her positive attitude drew you to her and the next thing I knew, you and she were dancing together and doing such a great job, that a crowd formed around the two of you and my vision was blocked, I was blocked. I could no longer see you and I felt so far removed. I walked away, I walked home...collected my things and left.


I know that these dreams represent what could happen. The balance of positive and negative is teetering in either direction.

Last night, I was frustrated by what you said what you implied. That I didn't love all of you. Every line and flaw is a part of you. Would I like some things to change? Of course I would. As you would like some things to change with me. Am I too critical and judgemental of you? I think you may be right but I don't know how to stop it. It is not a reflection on you. I love you....I Love all of YOU! I think we are beyond talking now as we keep finding ourselves at a wall of frustration, anger and I feel defeated because we can't seem to get out of this circle and move forward. When I suggested therapy, this is what I would like us to get help with. We need someone to hear our dialogue and help us sort out this maze or the second dream could be a reality I never want to experience.

I love you baby. I would like the first dream to be our lives.

xxoo

How To Get Along – Gemini and Pisces

How To Get Along – Gemini and Pisces

The Twin and The Fish

This series on AstroCompatibility will cover all of the potential matchups in the Zodiac. We will continue this series thinking about and commenting on Gemini and Pisces. You can get an EBOOK with all 12 sun signs matched, for each sun sign, including of couse, Gemini or Pisces at the new website: http://www.astrologygetalong.com by Christofer.

Pisces is a Mutable Water Sign. Gemini is Mutable Air. Then think about the fact that both of you have this “two ness”. Pisces is a fish going in two different directions. Gemini is at least two people waking up each morning. It should give you a sense of comfort, while you whistle in the dark. Plainly, the biggest difference is that one of these abides in the stratosphere, and the other can be comfy in the deepest oceanic depths. Willingness becomes then, the key word. How much do they care for each other? Their oppositional elements can definitely go together, but they both have to be willing to get an “E Ticket” to the others’ territory. If Gemini demands selfishly to insist on not entering emotional quandaries, Neptunian insights, psychic discussions and topics about the subconscious, then maybe the Twin is not ready for the Fish. Conversely, the Fish would have to let the water stream from its gills and agree to go on an all-things-are possible trip soaring through the clouds. If the Fish is too reluctant to entertain this possibly uncomfortable aspect to the fast moving Gemini, then maybe it’s not for the best.

Piscean mystery has to do with the fact that they are both super wise, and somewhat out of it. It’s as if they are given a motion picture insight into everyone they meet, but self-understanding sometimes eludes them. Like a camera man who forgets he is a camera man and over identifies with the film, the Fish can forget. And sometimes, it’s a deep forgetfulness. There is potential beauty here though. If Gemini finds this Pisces, they can help lift, identify and classify the fishes’ soulfulness, give it a name, scrub it up and write a no nonsense story of resurrection for the one it loves.

Positive Postulate:

Framed positively, both the Fish and the Twin have to look at their harmonics. The Pisces can add humor and wisdom to an individual who can often be accused of being way too cool and easily disengaged. Gemini can lift the Fish from introspective moodiness and make it not so hard to figure.

Romance Recommendation:

Gemini and Pisces should appreciate each others’ differences. Gemini might have to patiently bring a Fish out of a “Gloomy Gus” day every once in awhile. Gemini having to slow down and care, is not such a bad thing. Pisces might have to stop moping and gear itself for the magician of communication, just to stay with the program and enjoy a partner who can spread some joy.

Conflict Quotient:

Pisces would want to avoid conflict. If they are forced into conflict, or to defend themselves, they can present a strongly felt, oceanic kind of suasion. They can get as nasty as they need to be, but what Gemini needs to watch out for is the fight that Pisces might keep waging, day after day after day, in other more quiet, but painful ways. The Twin is a debater extraordinaire, sarcasm personified. They are still always afraid that they might hurt too deeply. They often go too far and win the battle, but lose the war. This could be a very negative scenario.

Peace Parlay:

Life in the end is repetitive and mundane, and so is Romance itself. This factor asks the question: "Can we be bored together over the long term?" This is a very heartening factor. Pisces boring lazy evenings could be quite appealing to the emotionally overwrought Gemini. The tired Fish, the hassled Gemini, could be quite happy seeking out the quietude of a “boring” scene.

Keep Up The Interest Graph:

Gemini hates staleness. The Fish can be SO internal, that it lives on the inside and becomes a reluctant participant. Gemini can help with this deficit, and then actually end up benefitting from the Fish’s imagination. They can keep up the interest and also develop adaptability for each other.

Seven Year Itchiness:

There are some signs that by their nature are more stable in their love interests and family concerns, as time goes on. Others are not. A Fish can lose touch with itself sometimes, and then swim into the murky depths of a night club. It might be in the 7th year, or not. Gemini is very fluid and easily contemplates any possibility. The care that they have shown each other would be their protection.

RATING:

ASTROCOMPATIBILITY POSSIBILITY RATING: 70% Positive Long Term - 70% Short Term. Mutual attraction can definitely happen right off the bat. If these two do not implode with a lack of tolerance, patience and the miasma of emotionalism, they could be a sweet couple.

The Deconstruction of Trish and Pauline

This has to be one of the most difficult times in my life. My emotions run from compassion for what Trish is going through to impatience to anger to love, to depression and so forth. I feel like Jeckle and Hyde! I can't seem to stay in one place. I want to stay in contact with her and I don't. If you break up with some one, no matter what the reasons, you should lick your wounds and move on, right?

It doesn't help that I'm not working. What I wouldn't do for the bliss and curse of routine right now. Work fills a sense of purpose and doing. I have to much time on my hands to mope and brood over my breakup and as much as I would dread getting up at an ungodly hour in the morning or an afternoon shift, I wish for a day filled with distractions and tasks.

I miss her so much, I ache inside. I realized this morning that what I miss about her is her love. When Trish is happy, there is an aura of light about her that is contagious. That light was what first drew me to her and when it's around, it still does.
I have come to the conclusion that I have participated in the deconstruction of Trish and Pauline.

The Irony was that that light I was attracted to, I helped snuff out. Due to my own insecurities and demons, due to the circumstances of how are relationship began and due to how we individually responded to stressors, emotional challenges and our own wounded children and growth as adults all came together to create a combustible, passionate union, that was in reality destined to fail. It lasted as long as it did because despite all our dysfunctional behavior towards each other, deep in the pit of the demon, a seed of love emerged that was so powerful, it kept bringing us together, time after time after time again.

We are now in a place of limbo. Trish said it best, " She can't move back and can't move forward, she is stuck". I do understand as I feel the same way. We want the same things from each other. Love, respect and most of all balance and a comfortable peace between us. As usual we both have different views as to how to achieve these goals. :) I do smile because this is indicative of how we are together, how we process and resolve personal issues and of course argue about who is right. lol

I believe we need outside help from a therapist. An impartial observer into our lives that can help us navigate and teach us new skills to communicate and resolve our issues. I have been very lucky in my life when it comes to therapy. I totally detested the idea when I was young because my mother was a firm believer in it due to the fact she was a social worker and believed that if you cant sort it out, get help! I was young and rebellious and my mother was always using her phycobabble on me when we spoke and it infuriated me that she didn't speak to me as my mother and not some amature phycologist! Sound familiar Trish? It's funny that Trish accuses me of doing the very same thing my mother did and I have to smile at that irony. I did turn into the poster child for promoting therapy after all. Luckily, certain events unfolded in my life that steered me to seek help and to a good therapist. I was able to work through some major issues in my life at that time and move forward. As always life is a never ending series of challenges and this definitely is one of those times where I feel, we could benefit as a couple, from someone that has the expertise in these types of unresolved conflicts.


I can't speak for Trish but from what she has told me, she does not believe she would benefit from therapy. I know she has had some experience with a therapist and she has never said what had happened to turn her off of the process, just that it wasn't for her. She says things like we shouldn't be going through all this stuff as a young couple starting out and in my mind it's like, who says? There is no statute of limitations on when a person should or shouldn't go into therapy! My belief is if we love each other so much, wouldn't you do whatever needs to be done to make it healthy? To continue loving each other the way we really want to?

Or maybe the truth is so much simpler.There have been personal challenges between us and individually but Trish never got to break up with her husband and go it alone. She has never been able to sort through her feelings about herself. She doesn't know who she is...alone.

And that.....is it isn't it? So because Trish need to journey to Trish, I am secondary and I feel wounded all the time because I am not first. I lash out at her, say terrible thinks to her, try to possess her all because I have always been secondary to what she needs to do for herself. Until she is able to know and understand who she is in all this and develop a happy and balanced life for herself, we won't work.

Fuck...that sucks for me!

I guess this is where I stop as I have no end for what I have just written. We are broken up because we can't move from this place. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to move forward without her. She is my soul mate,my kindred and I can't seem to be the bigger person and let her go. So I stay here in this limbo of personal hell.I guess eventually like all things, I will move from here because it's not a healthy place to be but for now, this is where I am.

So Trish and Pauline end here? Maybe a new story will emerge? As I said, I have no end to what I have written and maybe that is the best place to be for now....

My Pathetic Moment

I just came in from a walk with Tina and while we were out a drizzle rain started and I realize, I feel like the weather. Dark, Damp depressing.
I am sinking into a place I haven't seen for awhile. I am so frustrated by what hurts me and I can't control it! The pain is deep and I have to find a way to cut that cord. How can this have happened? How can the universe be so cruel?

2 Years ago, I put a request out to the energy's of this world, to God, to the Holy Ghost and whoever, whatever would listen, to please bring a woman into my life that I could love and she would love me back. I remember that feeling that night, lying on my air mattress. I think I made that prayer a few times that first year back from Calgary but there was one night, I felt so focused on my wish.

I did meet her and it's been a roller coaster ever since. I'm not going to rehash all of this but I don't know where to go, how to feel...I just want to yell the pain in my gut out so I don't hurt anymore.

I put out there today, that I want some form of communication with her because no contact would kill me and she responded that she would like that very much as well but would have to figure out a way we could without any expectations. She wants us to be friends. Man.....that will be so hard for she is the love of my life and to see her and not touch,....would be a lesson in masochism.

I know she loves me as much as I love her but I don't know what is wrong with us??

There is so much blame thrown around by both of us, it should be an Olympic sport!

All I know and have always known, is I want to live and breath her. To kiss those lips everyday and see love in her eyes everyday and even do the normal mundane things everyday...with her.

So here is my pathetic plea to the universe,

Please help us find our way to each other. Let Trish be happy and embrace this flawed, funny, passionate woman,( ME ) and help me to accept all of her,( TRISH ) beauty, passion and flaws as well. No more drama, no more confrontations about our relationship but a beautiful relaxed flow of love between us. Am I being to vague? To romantic? Not realistic? Whatever! I hope your up there God because I'm not happy with you right now and you better be listening.

So please...I'll even get on my knees, please help us.

Thats it.
No Amen because you God...messed up my dream ..my wish...my happiness.
later

Mirrors

I said what you wanted to hear.
I do have a nasty temper and I agree that I had work to do when it came to manipulation and controlling behavior but because I recognized it,that I loved you and I had always know this was a problem, I wanted to change and I did. As I worked on this area of my life, it was wonderful how the changes affected others that I cared for and how I was not hurting as much and how happiness started to move through me but you didn't see that because the truth was, you weren't happy.

You have stayed in the past and have never moved from there. I used an amputee as a metaphor in a poem I wrote and I feel it's pretty accurate. You can't let go and it is crippling you and ending us.

I love you very much but I will not be coming back this time when you get depressed and suicidal. I am not the enemy and I am tired of you making me feel like that how I am and love you is not enough. That how I speak is not good enough.

Here is the truth. You are the dominate one. You are the alpha and there is no room for another in your life. You need to be right and on top and rarely do you look in the mirror. You hate that I call you on your stuff and hopefully you meet and fall in love with someone that doesn't challenge your dominance. The only time you relinquish control is in bed and then..... you are sweet and beautiful.

When I say things like , look at "who is calling the kettle black" it is very hard to take criticism from you when you do the same things. Who are you to tell me I am controlling and critical and judgemental?.....do look in a mirror. You are unhappy, moody and negative. You will blame me because that is what you do.It is someone else's fault and you have to be right.

I know we are the only ones in control of our own happiness and I am not responsible for taking yours. I have apologized for the past many times and have finally forgiven myself. You claim that you have moved past it but you haven't and till you do, this cycle will continue.

I am in love with you and those feelings make it very difficult to leave you. I have tried so many times to pull away from you because the woman I love,( when she is present), is full of life, happiness and love. When you question me on my happiness levels, I know it's you you are talking to, not me for I am happy and getting happier,it is you that is not happy!!. I'm not as insecure as I use to be and I feel stronger and more in power of my life. I still have a long way to go but I do see light and that is a wonderful thing. Yes...I accept I can be critical and judgemental and sometimes when I say things I don't realize the tone I am setting but I am NOT my brother.

When you compared me to my brother and family, that is a knife in my heart and you know that would hurt me because you knew I'd take that very personally. Then I thought about it and realized I am NOT my brother or my mother. When my brother speaks to his wife on a regular basis, he yells, belittles, screams profanities and basically treats her with little or no dignity or respect for her person. She is a bug to be squashed and he NEVER relinquishes control. I think if you ever sat in his house for a minute you would look at me and be ashamed of making that comparison. He doesn't see his behavior as wrong and I do.

Yes...I do. I am not him. Even though I have take responsibility for what I have said to you and others in the past out of anger and frustration, I will never be like him because I am self aware....that I am wrong ...and I am overcoming and changing. If you ever compare me to him again, I will leave you for good.

So yes...I am making the assumption that you will eventually contact me again because deep down, past the Diva and past the alpha female that always need to be right, you love me and know the truth. That I truly love you and am not trying to make you unhappy, manipulate you or control you.

Only this time, I will not be coming back to you. If you want me for real, you need to make the next move. I am done trying. I am a good and gentle person that deserves your love and respect. Forgive me and yourself Trish.

I love you

P
xxoo

Let it go

I have done the work
I have opened my eyes
and i know what I want and where I love.

Shame on you for making me second guess
for making me feel like I haven't learned by my mistakes
that the progress I have made has made me....more not less.
For hurting me again with your drama

You confuse complacency with peace and harmony
You only want more conflict

You will cry wolf one to many times
What will happen if this time it's real baby?
What if you can't bring me back to your heart?
What if I walk away and never return to you.

You hang onto the past like an amputee. You know your arm is cut off and you know
it will never come back and over time,
You still feel the pain but it's a phantom...it's in your memory
of once was, having an arm..... but you always feel the pain
and never move past....
You never let it go.

Tranquility

Thoughts of self float softly
Through shades of blue and white.
Heart beating…..
Testing the waters of new innocents.

Smiling through full lips
Drink cool waters of purity
Placing my essence within the circle of life.
My life!

Travel To Coney Island

Travel my heart
See what is waiting for you
Gingerbread men meet Godzilla on the playing field
Lusting,fighting,crying,loving….Passion for you
Tinker bell smiles at me…
Knowing all my secret places

Travel to my mind
Walk the maze of intellect and emotion
Einstein playing chess with Linda lovelace
Tiger stepping into Pooh

Travel to me
Ride the cosmic roller coaster
Watch my past go by like a carnival
Throw your head back ….
Laugh and cry as hard as you can
You have reached Coney Island.

Storm of my Heart

Winds blow through me as I push against her force.
I feel her strength, determination as her breezes swirls around, into my heart.
Every breath I take...I can hear the violent rustle of the trees around me,
creaking, swaying at her power. That sound.....
I feel a thrill run through me...anticipation, excitement....
I am awed and inspired. She is truly now..real...powerful in her simplicity.

I feel blessed that I understand on a level that transcends description, words.

I am freed of my earthly confines for a few moments.
Understanding what is true...real and it is not what I have been taught.
What has been drilled into me since I was a baby.

I get glimpses of who I could be...become...I am so close, I can taste the peace...the tranquility within. All I need to do is surrender to it and I will know what bliss is.

I have no control and her beauty and power tells me so.

My hair is pushed away from my face by her strong winds and I feel no restraints, confines that I have placed on myself....I am.....


Free.

The last Plea

Why does she hurt me so?
Does she not want to be with me?
Why does being with me cause her such turmoil, moodiness?
She looks at me sometimes as if I have chained her.


I sense her conflict and so much time has been wasted in the aura of
her negativity.....does she see herself...really?
Does she know she has created so much of this?
Does she know she doesn't love herself?
Why does she have to be so defensive?
Why can't I reach her?

The only place I can touch her....feel her...love her...is in our intimate moments.

She changes after we make love.
Does she feel so vulnerable that she has to put her steel walls up back up?

Those walls I cannot scale.
She pulls her love away and then asks why am I so insecure, bullish...pushy.

I've never had you and yet....I feel so lost without you.

I have always touched your soul and you have always touched mine.
That...will never end.

Please, please see....please see what you need to do.... change...open your eyes....don't lose me..us.
I love you....

Carly and Chris's Engagment Party

I am no good at love

The anger in me is like a red hot poker.
I can't stop the words pouring from my lips, from my heart.
I want to hurt her so badly for the pain she is putting me through.

I will not love again after this.
It is just to hard.
I pick the wrong ones
I make bad choices in love and I never learn.

It's like trying your hand at learning an instrument, like a violin.
you just don't have the talent or the skills to do it well...
No matter how long you practice, you never improve.
Sometimes it's just not your strength, your talent

I am no good at love, at intimacy. She has told me so.
No matter how hard I try, I am not good at it.

So I am done with love. It has broken my heart for the last time.

The universe is loud and clear. Move on to something you have a talent for.

I hate you for this.

Give It a Rest

That is what she said to me. Exact words are, " It's time to give it a rest". This is my blog and I want to VENT! You fucking Bitch! Drama Queen! If she read these words, she'd say I was abusive, or make some sort of sarcastic remark like, Nice to see the old P hasn't disappeared! The usual bullshit. If she only knew what people really thought about her. I was never that spiteful, to tell her what was said. She would have thought I was making it up or being cruel. ( and I would have been.that's why I've never told her what has been said about her. )
I have never solicited remarks or comments but have been surprised by the words coming from friends and people she knew! The only observation and remark I heard from my circle was once a friend witnessed her moods and said, is this normal behavior? I said yes and they said, a little over the top and I now have a small understanding of what you go through.It was the first validation that I got from someone outside of Trish and I and it felt....good.

I did believe for the longest time that everything that has gone wrong in this relationship has been my fault. Not only did I believe it, it was reinforced by Trish. She blames me for every unhappy moment we have shared. The arrogance does astound me.I remember when I had vented to a friend one day about Trish and I's tumultuous relationship, she suggested that Trish was the one that needed to grow up emotionally as well. That it's not all my fault. That it's unfair that I should shoulder all the blame and that she, created alot of unnecessary drama.
I could cite all kinds of wrongs but then I would be petty and if she ever reads this blog, it will just be another mark against me or her favorite saying is, "why are you with me if I'm so mean to you?"

This has been tiresome, controlling and so fucking sad. She doesn't look at herself. She points fingers at everyone else but not at herself. There is very little humility in her. She needs to be right at all costs.

Her beauty and sincerity. Her love and passion. Her compassion and joy are buried under another person and the real Trish, never stays out to long. She accuses me of being a perpetual 12 year old boy etc.... but she doesn't see the damage she has done, and she doesn't own it. She never owns her responsibility in all this because if she did, she would have to make changes and she doesn't want to do that.

Just for the record Trish, when you drink a bottle of.....ANYTHING, you will be hungover and depressed because that's what alcohol does to the brain. Check it out if you think I'm lying.
So of course the next day after drinking, she's depressed. EVERY fucking time. Does she see the pattern....NO... If she does, she ignores the reality because that's what she does. Just sayin....

I am no saint. I am insecure, controlling and absolutely need to grow up in certain areas of my life.I will listen if you have something constructive to say and it may take me a few times before I get it right but the bottom line is...I TRY!
I really do try but praise is not a regular thing in this relationship and I have been guilty of that on many occasions. I'm not proud of the fact that I had so much to learn and aspire to. I know she struggled with me but I TRIED and eventually there were some successes. Bravo Pauline! Your a work in progress. Congratulations and keep on moving forward....and I did make progress. I looked in the mirror and saw I needed to make changes and I worked on them.
She did nothing.

Never worked on her mood swings. Never tempered her sarcasm and hurtful comments. Made me feel small...that I wasn't good enough. Selfish. When I suggested on a few occasions we should get some help to sort out what we can't seem too, she wouldn't have anything to do with that! She believes that if your problems are so big that you can't sort it out on your own, then you shouldn't be together in the first place. Especially if you haven't been together long. Great words of wisdom from a flawed human being like the rest of us.

Our relationship isn't like most "normal" beginnings. It has been extremely difficult. So yes...I thought we could use a outside voice. A neutral observer that could help us sort out the crap.

I have never said I have all the answers and I know this blog tonight is all about venting but there is truth in all I have said. I love this woman very much. She has always felt it wasn't real between us but that is her stuff not mine. The madness and criticism and negativity from BOTH of us, has sucked everything good and descent and loving from every pore.

She hates it when I say "us", or "both" when I'm making a point about what is wrong in our relationship.I always thought we were a couple in distress and that it took both of us to create a positive or negative life together. I don't believe she ever saw us, as us. She was too messed up with Trish and I was too selfish. She needed to find herself and I wanted a partner. Simple..right?

FUCKING HURTS is what is wrong! The picture I put with this entry is a picture Trish has always associated with her journey with me into lesbian lovemaking. I know she would love this breakup to be clean and easy like it was with her Mikey but I'm sorry Trish, this is going to be messy and painful because real heartache is not clean and easy. All our memories of love and lovemaking. All our shared dreams and adventures, our history and all our romances and whispered words to each other are now over and that pain of lost .... will make it as real and as ugly as it gets. So fuck your messy free breakup!

The summer of 95

I remember the night sounds of frogs croaking and branches creaking in those old trees and as a light breeze moved through the leaves, I felt alive and present. The sound of water gently lapping against the shore in the background as we smoked a little grass, drank a lot of beer and spoke softly in an intimacy only woman understand. We were happy, I was happy. I sometimes think this was the last time I felt real contentment and true joy. When I close my eyes, I can transport myself there. I feel wrapped in the past as if a comfortable blanket has been thrown over me.
I loved you all. You gave me a sense of belonging, a secret society I never was privy to as a child. We were all wounded one way or another when we met. We Soothed each others demons and listened to each others stories of sorrow and regret. It was a summer of distractions, of booze and drugs and friendship. While some only touch us for a short while and drifted away over the years,that warm summer of 1995, bound us together...for life. I loved you all with such intensity then. I laughed till I cried and cried till I laughed.

We told our friends and families of our first summer together but no one really understood it all really. I don't think we understood the magic that happened between us either but even now when we tell our stories, our faces light up with recollection, laughter and knowing. We share a secret you see and when our eyes connect,we smile.

We had three summers together before I decided to go on an adventure without them. I carried those memories with me and now when I find I am not happy, which is often, I reach into my heart and remember joy.

The insanity of it all!

It sometimes isn't about what you have contributed. It's sometimes not about the past or the present. It is simply, you are in the wrong place at the wrong time. Another woman in an alternative universe is sublime. Everything she does and says you love and everything you do and say she adores. Do relationships have to be so fucking stupid? Does the one I have, half to unravel everyday, every moment, all the fucking time? Can the bliss actually stay around for longer than 24 fucking hours??? I don't want this freaking real world!
I know that nothing about this relationship healthy. It doesn't matter what i do it will never be enough. So why can't I walk away????

The answer

Do you believe all those things you say about me? and is that all you can see now?
Do you take none of the responsibility as to where we find ourselves?
I am cruel and abusing, did you look in the mirror and see the truth?
There is no defense when looking in the mirror.
We both had a choice to walk away. We knew then, there was something wrong. Why didn't I leave when it started getting ugly?
Did we have to wait until ever ounce of light and passion was sucked dry from our hearts? We did nothing to save us. I did nothing to save me. You did nothing to save yourself.
Is this what they call co-dependence, abuse?
I walked around the apartment this morning and breathed in your life.
I know your history. Your possessions are mixed with mine, your smell is intertwined with my clothes, your life has become a part of mine .....I am bitter that I am about to lose the fabric of our lives together. It should have been longer!

I know I have to leave as this can be the only truth now but I feel a strange distance, sadness...not sure anymore what I am feeling.
If you had been mine from the beginning........
The what "if" drives me crazy!!!
What if:
you had been single
a lesbian
knew who you were
was knee deep into your writing with no excuses
no ex as a daily reminder
What if:
I was happy
not going through menopause
not so selfish
not so self absorbed
found where I belonged again

Do I still love you? Yes...but.....I can't do this anymore. I so wish there was an answer, a solution as I do love a clean thought, a clean ending but there is none in this case.

You see me as the enemy and you have for awhile now. You accuse me of so many things and are angry. I am so frustrated that you really never saw what you did to me as well. You only see me as the lesbian that let you down, that didn't follow through on what I promised, that I didn't live up to a higher code, that it was all about me.

If you had really looked, would you have seen what you did to me? How I have changed, how your behavior perpetuated so many negative behaviors in me? How small you made me feel? How I could never do anything right by you? I felt swallowed up by you. I couldn't breath anymore.I wasn't me anymore? Is this how you felt about what I did to you?

Strange...even after breaking it all down and trying to make sense of the mess I am in...there is a part of me that has a glimmer of....hope? What is that about? Why do I still want a part of this relationship? Why can't I just say goodbye? I've read what I wrote. It makes sense to wash my hands of all this insanity. Have I become so entrenched in the dis function, I am scared to be alone without it? Or is it deeper than that?
Or is it simply, I love her but don't know how to love her the way she would like me to? and visa versa.

Is it that? We don't know how to love each other in a way that is fulfilling, supportive and healthy for both of us?? Were we incapable of uplifting each others souls and creating peace together? I blame you for letting me down and you blame me for letting you down.
I feel ashamed of what I have done to you, do you feel the same? Or do you only want to blame still?

You always said we weren't good together and now I know the answer I never wanted to hear....you were right.

I will only miss you

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~Thomas à Kempis, Imitation of Christ, c.1420



Trish and I have finally come to that place that all relationships go to when they end. A graveyard of numbness and distance. We are still living together till the end of the month and then I leave. I have an apartment in a friends house. I am not going to rehash our history and I am not going to play she said, I said and who did what to whom.
I know we really have to end this for we have not been able to solve the perils of Trish and Pauline. I do believe in certain truths as to why we have failed so badly and the ultimate truth was I am a gay woman, wanting a gay relationship. I loved Trish very much and still do but Trish stands in the way of her own happiness.She is one of the most defensive and self righteous people I know. She doesn't allow herself to be completely open and it's really not her fault as she never had time to end her old life. She went from old to new, in a heartbeat and me......I am sooo fucking impatient. I have always wanted what I want...now. I believed I could bring her into my world in an instant and Viola....instant lesbian! I can be very naive in my stubborn idealism and for my part, I ruined the journey for her by not standing back and letting her flower at her pace.
From my point of view, Trish has, since I've known her, come from a place of fear, defensiveness, is inconsistent in pursuing her desires and dreams. She blames me and others for not following through on what she wanted. Her favorite phase is: there are too many distractions or I changed my mind. I don't know how many times I've heard her say things out loud about what she wants to do for herself and she never follows through. The worst part is she blames everyone but herself.

I do see myself reflected in her personality and one of the many things I have learned on this journey was to embraced consistency in my own life. I actually followed through with Children's Aid because of Trish. I am volunteering and soon to be mentoring a teen because she made me realize I did the same thing! I didn't follow through on my desires and I can do as she does and wait for the "right moment" but what if the right moment never comes?
She has taught me that. To move on what I desire as there will never be a right moment other than now.

I have also learned that I am good enough. Strangely all the negatives that were thrown at me have made me stronger. The constant guilty manipulative words that made me feel unworthy were just a reflection of how I felt about me and I let it happen. She said these things because she did not have control of her own life, her desires and her journey. I have finally realized this wasn't ever about me. I will admit, in my selfish need to obtain her, I didn't really see her and now....I do.

I do believe Trish, my Trish, the woman I made love to, who spoke with me in soft tones, who shared my world of fantasy with me and who's eyes spoke of deep emotions and intensity will be much more present than the woman of hardness, defensiveness and fear. I do believe she will step through someday and I wish her well on her journey to self. :)

I am Numb

So..I'm getting a little numb from alcohol. It's a nice place. It's not hurtful or rejecting and it doesn't break promises and tell you lies. You feel brave and self assured instead of doubtful and insecure. I do understand the attraction. I understand wanting reality to cease and how for a moment, pain is pushed back even if it is, for the moment.
I will feel self pity for awhile and will drink for awhile and will push back reality for awhile.
Ultimately, I am a strong woman with issues. :) Abandonment and insecurities have plagued me most of my life and being in a relationship just amplifies those scars. I am amazed at how from my first relationship at age 17 to now that that feeling in my stomach when my triggers have been hit, still causes such anxiety and pain that it's as if I am that young wounded girl again!

I am frustrated by that fact. Have I not grown in anyway when it comes to my heart? Are the scars from my childhood run so deep that no amount of therapy, growth, age and wisdom has really affected my emotional development,my ability to chose healthier relationships and have a more balanced outlook of myself???

I guess not. That has to stop!!! This cycle is fucked. I'm not sure what I have to do to treat myself the way I want to be treated but this route is tiring, painful and the SAME SHIT as always!!

Time to move on. I know who I am but haven't been happy with that for a very long time.What do I want and need to be happy?

I need a home that is warm and inviting. Trees,gardens and peaceful.
I need my friends close to me.
I need my family
I need a job that gives me fulfillment
I don't want to be lonely, I can change that.
I need a relationship with a woman who wants what I want.
I need spiritual guidance
I need love
As I read this, what I want is not unattainable. I know this in my head and in my heart but if feels like a million miles away. Strange......I think I'll stay numb for a little while longer. :)

I now know.....

It's not about alpha females or control or about being set in our ways or dysfunctional interactions or poor communication. It's about commitment.
It's about respecting each others feelings and mostly, it's about what we want from this relationship.
I have always wanted a commitment and Trish, has wanted a lover.She just couldn't believe you can have both. It is as simple as that. She left a 15 year relationship to get to know who she was. She wanted a lesbian lover and explore that part of herself and see where it led. She did not want to get into another relationship.
So..our experiment of living together is coming to an end and I doubt we will be able to salvage much of our relationship from this. We both have tried to make it work because there was great love and passion between us.
Now...I have to start looking after me again. Look after my happiness.No more distractions and dysfunctions and broken promises and hearts. It saddens me deeply that we couldn't make it work. That a love as great as this happened at a time one of us wasn't ready for it. It would have been a beautiful thing if it had been left to grow and breath.
I love you and always will.

Moving into the bachelor

It's been awhile since i blogged and I will say now that whatever rantings I may write, please understand that they are rantings of a sleep deprived dyke and I can't be held accountable.
I moved in with Trish officially, May 1st/2010. I say officially because I stayed over the night before but let's not split hairs!
So it's been 4 days and I need sleep. Real unbroken sleep! It's no ones fault.Trish and I have always had trouble sleeping together at the best of times. I snore, we are both light sleepers and now, add an injured knee to the mix. I twisted it a few weeks ago and it's taking it's sweet damn time to heal and it's brutal for sleeping as I can only sleep on one side and can only bend my knee a certain way or there is allot of pain. So of course, what do we do? We moved into her bachelor for a month as we are waiting for a one bedroom to come up in her building for June 1st. We know eventually we will need 2 bedrooms or 2 beds but this will do for now just to give us space. We can't sleep together long term so here we are, in her bachelor for a month and we are already walking around like a couple of zombies, barely talking and when Trish is tired, she is critical and sarcastic and when I'm tired, I'm impatient and moody. I think if we can manage some sort of normal sleep patterns in the next week, were good. So I am hopeful.

The Rants of a mad woman.

I always have an underlying feeling of panic in my relationship with my girlfriend, Trish. I'm not sure what is wrong with us.It's like being on a high wire never knowing when you will misstep and fall. We are both talkers and talk things to death and that is problematic for the most obvious reason, some things shouldn't be analysed or dissected. I'm not sure what the hell this is about but one week were okay and then either she or I says something to the other that causes hurt feelings or feelings of disrespect or God knows what else! Then watch out! Our conflicts would make a drag queen shudder at the drama! Anger, anxiety, abandonment, insecurity etc...every possible negative emotion you can think off threatens our relationship almost to collapse.
Then we make love ( that is amazing by the way) and for a few days maybe a few weeks everything is kinda okay but after a year and a half of this, I feel like I'm shell shocked from an on going war. Whats the term? combat fatigue..lol

I think this time, I started it by asking her to move in with me. I knew by the look in her eye the first time I seriously proposed the move, she was like a deer in the headlights. Absolute fear! You may ask, why? Why would I put myself in this position? You must have know from your past experience in this relationship, it could cause a huge conflict?

To tell you the truth,my intent was love. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and no one else. How crazy is that? She calls me on all my shit and never accepts my bullshit manipulations and I want to live with her...go figure. Honestly, I like that! I am a strange bird but bare with me on this. No one in a very long time has ever really loved me enough to put in the effort, to put a mirror up to my face and say to me, "take a good look at yourself. Do you like what you see?"
Even though we are combative and struggle with each others baggage, I know what I have contributed to her has been life changing. She can speak for herself but we have walked together on that high wire and have opened up our secrets, our fears, desires, strengths and weaknesses. When you share the most vulnerable part of yourself with someone you would think it would bring them closer together? It does and it doesn't!
For two people to exchange so much between them there has to be great trust, loyalty and love. So you ask, what's the problem? I think I'm bringing up more questions than answers...lol "sigh"


But the confrontations....Man...everything from I don't listen, to judging her and never accepting who she is..I could go on. It doesn't matter she is right on most everything but the delivery of the message taxes me..... the drama and stress of these types of conversations cause such anxiety in me and then exhaustion. One of the side affects is no sex drive. Nadda!
I am a eunuch for a few days. A little of me drains from each battle and I'm guessing it's the same for her.

I want it to stop. I am tired. Don't get me wrong, I have had relationships that have been challenging before but never this combative since my first and then...well...I don't have to say much...it was my first. She was older and wanted me to be someone I wasn't ready to be. Enough said.

So what is wrong with us??

I want it my way and she wants it her way and never shall the twain meet? Is it just that simple? Or am I a complete control freak and need her to adhere to an ideal...an image of what I think a relationship should be...perfection?( her words)
Could it be her fear, doubts...her dark moods that consume her and cause me to lose my Trish to the devil each time? When she goes there I am fearful and so difficult to deal with.

At our best,we are love. We really are perfect! We are creative, imaginative children playing in a garden. There is such a flow of passion, love and compassion and best of all, when we are truly all grown up,.. for a few minutes...peace. My God, that in its self is worth some of the crap we throw at each other but it's getting harder and we both know it.

I am a resolution person. If something is wrong fix it. Do what needs to be done. If therapy is the answer, do it. If talking directly and coming to a compromise will fix it, then do it but fix it!!

She believes in tough love and she ain't kidding. As much as I manipulate her and I do, she manipulates words and she's very good at it. Not confrontational in person but look out when she writes. She'll cut you in half. Me? I'm an idiot..lol Meaning...I should just step away when she is in the darkness but no...I'm a glutton for punishment and worst yet...I stir the pot. Why you ask? Because it scares me and I panic. She shuts down and my anxiety levels go up and I turn into an insecure child and I push her buttons so she will talk to me even if it's anger and most of the time...get this...I'm the one who has put her there intentionally or unintentionally in the first place.

My biggest peeve....don't tell me what to do.I do have authority issues.... when she speaks to me in that, "Listen to what I am telling you, you are 12 and I'm the grown up tone," I could smack her silly!
I'm guessing here but I think her peeve with me is not taking responsibility for my actions and being immature when I need to step up to the plate. She will correct me if I'm wrong. :)

I do know her intent is out of love and she worries about me and I love that about her. I just wish....man...I am stupid! She says these things to me out of love and concern. Did you get that??

I am fat. Her and I both know it and I complain on a daily basis because I feel like a failure because I can't seem to get a handle on it.She is tired of hearing the negativity ( a note here...she never complains about anything! Drives me crazy) So she blew up at me..ranted on her blog which I should have never read and another war began. Another struggle of wills and the anxiety sets in.

Now...one more day to my birthday party. It's been a very rough week and I feel like my party is the gift at the end of a very long road..lol She organized all of it with some of my input but mostly, she took care of it. She has such a gift for giving of herself with out asking for anything in return, one of her many strengths. I know she needs me to be better and I do watch her and listen even if she thinks I don't. As much as she looks up to me as,"Super lesbian", because of my vast experience in love making and just all round lesbian icon, she is my mentor. She really doesn't know how much I admire and respect her and someday I do hope to be a much better version of myself.

So after all is said and done, what do I take from my rantings today? Well...there are no direct answers, I have come up with more questions and in just over an hour I will see her smiling face.

Choi from the mad woman

July 31, 1994

Come and take me away
to that black abyss,
Where dreams are dead and words are useless.

Alice doesn't live here anymore,
They've taken her.

When I look into your eyes,
All my grief and sorrow vanishes,
and when I kiss your lips,
I am entirely healed and made whole again.

when I lean against your breast,
there comes over me a joy like that of heaven.

But when you say, " I love you",
I can only weep bitterly.

Dear God

Shades of gray, who am I now?
When did I become so ridged and judgmental?
Did I grow old overnight?
What happen to the fun me?

Who am I to say what is right for you.
The question I should ask myself, "is it right for me?"

I want love. I still need challenges to push me to be better but
can they not be tempered? Dear God....why so much?

I asked to be loved and you gave that to me.
I asked to not be alone but that came with strings attached.
I know you are with me and there are moments when you fill me.....
but peace is still ever allusive....and I still carry a restless soul.

I need answers. you say to me, stop thinking and just sit with you.
Do you know how hard that is?

There is an ache and sadness that has followed me all my life.
I was able for years to cover it with distractions, sex, alcohol and drugs.
I am humbling myself....Will you finally let me come to you?

I want happiness. I want to know who I am, accept it, and then embrace me.
I don't understand the lessons you are providing me.
No job, no money, the woman I love can't stand me and the relationship is in jeopardy and a birthday around the corner...
What do you want from me? Because I know it's something....

You have put many obstacles in my path over the years and you and I have been very angry at each other.
I think I've been more angry with you. :)
I have used the skills I learned from childhood to survive.
I have lied, cheated, manipulated and outsmarted people to get by.
it's what I know and I am very good at it.

Now....I am truly alone. You stand outside as usual watching me. I feel your eyes observing.... If I put this in her path, will she learn? Learn fucking what?

I know you want me to strip myself down. To take off all the armour and just be.. but I'm not that strong. Really...I'm not. I'm lazy and don't want to do this work. It's to hard! Goddamn you!!! I hate you for what you are putting me through and yes....just for Trish... I am playing the victim.
How about I take up drinking again? That would dull your voice in my head because yes...I do hear you God. Loud and clear.I wish you would just shut the fuck up!

I am so tired of fighting. Is that what you want? For me to lie down and accept what comes? If you continue this lesson, I guess that will be an eventuality. For you know how stubborn and willful I am and it does take time to break down my barriers but the barriers do come down and then what?

I have cried and had temper tantrums and have tried to manipulate you God. Now that is funny don't you think? Little ole me, trying to negotiate and manipulate a higher being who could snuff me out in a second!

Now that is arrogant!

Please help me make the right choices. I do need your guidance and I am truly tired of the struggle. Instinctively I know that when I understand and accept the lessons, that I won't feel alone and my life will be a happy one. So help me to be strong and brave. Help me see what is in front of me instead of what is behind. Lastly, help me find my worth and love within.

Amen

Who am I?

Over the course of my life, I have been been told by people, that I don't listen, that I am too self absorbed, that I am not grounded,I am critical, black and white etc.... and on the other side of that coin, I am told by another group of people,I am warm and loving, imaginative, giving, compassionate and kind.

So....who am I??

I have come to the realization,I have no backbone!I am just stating a fact.
No conviction in who I am, good or bad. I don't tell people, well I'm sorry, you can't have one half of me without the other. It's a package. I actually make excuses for my behavior because I am so terrified of being alone. Being abandoned and alone. Hmmm...quite pathetic Miss P!

I have baggage to work on and am working on. When friends and family bring up certain behaviors that they feel are problematic and reoccurring, it's tough to hear! I am always and continually a work in motion and struggling to be a better person. There are certain ways of speaking to me that either incite rebellion and non conformity or extreme love and self worth. When the positive happens, I am a bear of determination to succeed. When it's negative, I am my own wost enemy.

I grew up in a household of criticism, bulling and threats. No kind words of encouragement. No building of confidence. A land of loudness and abuse. I am no different then so many others who share backgrounds of abuse and then there are some that have had it much worse than I. It all comes down to how as individuals we are able to cope and survive. I coped in my way.

So my coping mechanisms have been mostly substance abuse, escapism and non conformity. I do not take responsibility for my actions and my life.As adventurous it is to some, most of my life has been about denial and what can I get from others apposed to what I can give and real honesty and character.

I am changing now due to life's trials, tragedies and successes. I now have a list of what I need to be successful as a human being. I am not going to get all warm and fuzzy but very real. So here it goes:

1. Accept criticism, you learn from it but only accept it if it is given from love. I will not accept criticism that is from anger, power or control.

2. Give to anyone of myself at least once a day. It's good for the heart!

3. Don't base Major life decisions on loneliness and abandonment triggers, it's just not honest.

4. When your "it" voice is in play, really listen carefully. Hear that voice for what it is. Understand it is there to paralyze you from moving in a positive direction.

5. Most importantly,...know thy self. Have confidence in what I say and do. Understand my weaknesses and strengths and don't allow others to make me feel insignificant and small.They can not take away my thunder only I can. Stand up for yourself and love who you are.

6. Love, live and patience. Learn to develop patience for yourself or you can't give to others. Give yourself a break! Really! Relax..enjoy and live.


So...that's not to big a list! I guess I'm the only one who's going to be able to give me positive reinforcement and I think that's they way it should be. As always, trying to figure it all out. Sheez...does it ever end? :)

Fear

swirling shadows of fog and mirrors..
a dark figure looms ahead of you, clouding your thoughts
petrified to move forward, for it matches your every move..
always whispering in your ear, the seeds of doubt....
not able to move around it's dark shadow for it blocks your every move towards...
happiness?....love?......you?

I reach a hand out to you....our fingers inches away from each other....I hope for you....
Fear grips your very being....it is such a powerful force.....
I can't bring you to me,it standing between us.....

A wall so large that I am unable to scale it. Frustration and sadness envelopes me

Tears fall down my cheeks for it wins your soul, time and time again... and I can only stand alone without you....

She Loves me

She wants to kiss me....
Full, lush, soft lips on mine..
Our first kiss sent me to places I had forgotten about.
when I close my eyes, I see her naked, cool brown skin...
I hear a waterfall in the background...feel warmth in the air and the sun
falls warmly on her skin.
As much as I am restless, wandering and not sure where I fit in this world,
when I am with her, I am home.

She wants me....
yearns for my tongue, my fingers, my cock...
As I lie on top of her and push in so slowly,
she sighs, groans and reaches for my harness to pull me closer, deeper.
Never, ever enough of her.

She consumes me...
with her eyes, her hands, her words..
we talk of travels, of her writing and her place in this new world she is exploring.
Her fears, doubts....I am so possessed by her.
Her smell lingers in my nostrils, her voice in my ears and her lips on my nipples.

She loves me....
Worries about my health...asks if I'm being fulfilled...needs to text me, talk to me
needs me. It's been so long since someone has needed me. I need her...
I am so flawed but that doesn't stop her from loving me. As afraid as she is of all the possibilities, the consumptions as we entwine our hearts, our souls....
she Loves me.

My Valentine

I found her heart in all the turmoil,
soft and yielding...passionate and free.
Her fear is breaking up into small fly away pieces that
are leaving as she moves into
a place of love and adventure.

Our souls touched the first time we met and
they have never stopped touching, caressing and loving.
The path is unknown but I know who I want to walk with...
She touched me so early on that it at times brings me to tears of joy
of surprise
of vulnerability...

I am some what astonished as to where she has brought me..
who I am with her
and how she has changed me.

This is my Valentines to you, my love, my heart, myself.

MISSY HIGGINS

MISSY HIGGINS

Love

I went to meditation last night and for the first time in a long time, I feel connected to myself again. After many conversations within my heart and with friends, I am truly in love with someone but have come to the conclusion I won't be in love at the expensive of myself.
Love is all consuming and with the right person, it's a consumption that is a blast! If the people involved can't ground themselves in that love, then it's a nightmare.
I did some reading this morning and was curious about definitions of love. I went first to a dictionary and man.... there was a listing of 28 lines of different types of love and ways of expressing it! Then I went to an encyclopedia and again many variations on the theme of love from different countries around the world. Love of self to love of your enemy to romantic love. For my intent and purpose, I like this definition the best.
"A profound tender, passionate affection for another person. Sexual passion and desire."

This journey for me started with my mother's death. I was lonely, unfulfilled and had no love in my life. I am working towards all of these needs but love is the most important. Love ...I gave up on you at a very early age and I have been empty ever since. Now...I love this amazing, creative and passionate woman who is afraid Of opening herself up to all the possibilities in front of her and sadly, her inability to embrace all that I can give, that all life can hold for her and all the love that is out there had an affect on me. My neediness and insecurity has developed from some of this but mostly from wanting her to fulfill every aspect of the love I crave. I so ache for her to be with me. To take the ride with me. I want to trust her, love her and go on a great adventure with her but if she is not ready to let go of her previous life and I can't create my own happiness, the cycle will repeat. I can't force her so I will work on my happiness.

I know we will eventually talk. It's now been 3 days. Excruciating but she knew we needed the break.
I so want to hear the words uttered from her lips.....
I can only hope and pray, I am her choice. If not, I know now, I am strong enough to move on because I have only one life to live and I want to live it.

Sometimes....it's just love

Postive Light

Will the sun ever come out again?? Sheez...These dreary rain soak, dull shitty days are not helping improve my temperament. So after the last few days of some soul searching, I have decided to do something constructive. A girls group/coffee house weekly meeting for over 40 lesbians. I have done some research and have come to the conclusion that there are more unhappy lesbians than happy. I am including myself in this group but I have an excuse. I'm menopausal! Okay...its not all that but I spoke to my cousin and she says if I take Vitamin B6, some of my depression will lift but will it solve unhappiness? No..I think not! I never realized how many people are so lonely and unhappy in this city! Gay and straight. I've spoken to woman in my gym, people on the street and friends and there is a consensus...life sucks!

So I decided to be constructive. I put out an add to all the lesbians in my community to join me once a week for tea, coffee etc...I hope we will have lively conversation, lots of laughs and just relax and get to know each other. I'll see how it goes and if it goes well, set this up as a weekly get together. Who knows...maybe we can resolve life's little mystery's! Signing off for now!

Ciao

I saw Her

I saw you the other day walking along the street.
You on one side, me on the other.
You were in a rush and focused on where you were going but
I matched your walk, ...fascinated that it was you...needing to make sure....
Then a light came up and turned red and you had to stop.

Yes,,...it was you.
A little older, a little plumper but the same face
You were going to go forward when the light turned green but at the last minute
you turned and came my way.

You didn't see me at first as your head was down but at the last second, we caught each others eye.

You smiled and I smiled that fake smile X-girlfriends give each other when they know it's going to be tough seeing each other after all these years...
Not sure how to react but not wanting to be rude.

We exchange pleasantries and as we talk I remember how you tasted when we kissed
how we had melded in each other's arms, the life we had shared so long ago...memories flood in...
What a strange experience seeing someone you have shared your life with, intimacy's with, now reduced to this single act of a handshake and polite conversation.

We talk for a little longer and found that awkward space that xlovers do and we say our goodbyes.

As I watch her hustle off to her life....my fingertips touch my lips remembering one more memory.
It's cold today....I pull up my collar and bury myself in my jacket for my walk home.

Loneliness

You spoke to me of loneliness
of how your life was empty and unsatisfying.
You expressed your anguish and pain
that you had no lover, no prospects.

I spoke of my loneliness, emptiness
of my anguish and pain
that I had a lover
but it didn't cure what I felt inside

Then I spoke to another who shared the same feelings and pains
the loneliness deep inside that no one could fill
and strangely we were not as alone as we thought.

We are comrades, sharing a common plight
that darkness inside is fed by our anguish
As long as we stay in this belief, the longer and deeper it becomes.

It is raining outside
the damp and darkness is feeding my melancholy
but I know tomorrow is another day and the sun...
she will come out as she always does and clean my soul
of it's despair.

Ickie Love

I am needy.

You never admit that do you?
That you are needy, that you are insecure.

I see the fear in your eyes,
When you are ferocious with your need of me,
you are like a vampire,...you suck all the passion and love I offer,everything you need, I allow you to take and take until....
you are satiated, then when you are done,you push me away out of fear. Your feeling ickie.
Don't tell me I am needy...I know I am.
I don't make excuses.
I want all the love I can get....there is never enough....
I want to breath it, embrace it's fingertips for I have done without far to long and
I have so missed it's tender touch.

I want you to hold me tight. Don't let go...embrace me so tight that I feel ickie and push you away and then...
do it again and again till the fear is gone and there is only light and peace.

The Final Resting place

An ending has just happened and I don't know where it will lead. I can only hope a new beginning will come from it's ashes. It's always around relationships isn't it? We do learn the most about the world and ourselves through the people who touch our hearts and souls.
My neediness and insecurities have became so profound through our union for my needs were being shoved aside by me. I can't blame her. She is who she is and I fell in love with her, warts and all. I could have stopped so much of what was happening. I didn't stand my ground and say "NO". This isn't what I need....this isn't making me happy and I hung on so tight that well....I smothered it.

Now...terrible things have been said. She told me that she may have never been in love with me but with the passion of me. Devastating words. We should be so careful as to what we say to each other. Words scar so deeply and there is no going back in some cases. I called her names ( I have a vicious temper when cornered or hurt) and said things to her that probably should have been said quietly and with compassion instead of in anger but....
I finally said them.
I found release in the truth. I have never been able to say to her that I thought her fear was disabling us.That her relationship with her X was killing us...me...That there were certain things she said and did, that she should have been kinder...gentler about. I yelled in anger something about she was never really committed to our relationship, that it was just a game for her. That was cruel so cruel.

When she was depressed or hurt, a coldness overcame her. A door slammed shut and she kicks me out and she knew how it killed me. So I would get scared, insecure and needy...big surprise! There doesn't seem to be compassion in her when it comes to weakness....my weakness...and I think she is just as tough on herself. Her background has dictated to her..such a horrible past.....and as much as she denies it, she is a sum of those parts and brings her demons to rest with us.She doesn't look after herself anymore than she looks after us.She claims too but I know. Her X and her daughter are of course exempt from her scrutiny. He has been in her life for a very long time. She trusts him explicitly...he past her tests years ago and she does have tests. She too is needy and insecure but that's okay. You are the one that has to be strong. You have to be her rock.

So...Who the hell am I? I'm some girl who slipped between her legs, whispered promises of passion and love and took her to unknown destinations.We don't have 15 years together. I didn't help raise her daughter with her or help her work through grieving her soul mate or been with her through tough times etc...so who am I too her? What does she owe me? It must have been very exotic and exciting for her but who am I to ask for a commitment...for forever?

All I ever needed or wanted from her were small changes that let me know I was important to her. Compromises that showed she respected my feelings...that we had a possible future and that fear was not in her eyes when we spoke of living together. She will say she never closed the door on the possibilities of us but she didn't want to talk about them either. To soon she said...not ready. She slammed the door on us, time after time....and my insecurities grew from her self doubt. Her inability to be a true part of us...and the neediness rooted itself in my cold fear. I became suspicious now...and the ugliness grew.
I pushed moving in together as that's what I do..fucking push!Truly not a smart move on my part. Born of desperation maybe, I thought if we moved in together, we would both feel safe.Peace would finally come to our relationship. She said No. I was so angry and hurt and I didn't know how to express the rejection.

I was falling apart. I couldn't trust her.The ball was rolling down hill now. There was no stopping it. Wanted to know who she was talking to on the phone, where she was going and who she was doing things with.

I should have walked away when I felt nothing was changing. That things were getting worse. That I wasn't happy but I was so in love with her I thought if I just stayed the course ..you know?

Now....she has said things and I have said things.....and I don't know. I can't talk to her now. All I hear in my head is that she is not in love with me. That my neediness and insecurities are not her issue even though they have grown from events and actions that we are both responsible for. I even put all the blame on her!She doesn't take responsibility for what she says and does. What about me? I am so clean in all this!?
I know what I have contributed and what role I have played. I am not guiltless. I had failed at doing my part but I can't make changes on my own. I need her to step up and say, she is part of the problem and work with me instead of us accusing each other. I know her arrogance is part of her survival...her control...and I also need to be right and controlling but were choking the life out of us.

No matter what words and language are used,we chose to come together.We knew we were in different stages in our lives and what challenges laid ahead of us and we dove in anyway and ultimately created a relationship, our relationship.Are we both grownup enough to continue what we started?