MISSY HIGGINS

MISSY HIGGINS

Love

I went to meditation last night and for the first time in a long time, I feel connected to myself again. After many conversations within my heart and with friends, I am truly in love with someone but have come to the conclusion I won't be in love at the expensive of myself.
Love is all consuming and with the right person, it's a consumption that is a blast! If the people involved can't ground themselves in that love, then it's a nightmare.
I did some reading this morning and was curious about definitions of love. I went first to a dictionary and man.... there was a listing of 28 lines of different types of love and ways of expressing it! Then I went to an encyclopedia and again many variations on the theme of love from different countries around the world. Love of self to love of your enemy to romantic love. For my intent and purpose, I like this definition the best.
"A profound tender, passionate affection for another person. Sexual passion and desire."

This journey for me started with my mother's death. I was lonely, unfulfilled and had no love in my life. I am working towards all of these needs but love is the most important. Love ...I gave up on you at a very early age and I have been empty ever since. Now...I love this amazing, creative and passionate woman who is afraid Of opening herself up to all the possibilities in front of her and sadly, her inability to embrace all that I can give, that all life can hold for her and all the love that is out there had an affect on me. My neediness and insecurity has developed from some of this but mostly from wanting her to fulfill every aspect of the love I crave. I so ache for her to be with me. To take the ride with me. I want to trust her, love her and go on a great adventure with her but if she is not ready to let go of her previous life and I can't create my own happiness, the cycle will repeat. I can't force her so I will work on my happiness.

I know we will eventually talk. It's now been 3 days. Excruciating but she knew we needed the break.
I so want to hear the words uttered from her lips.....
I can only hope and pray, I am her choice. If not, I know now, I am strong enough to move on because I have only one life to live and I want to live it.

Sometimes....it's just love

Postive Light

Will the sun ever come out again?? Sheez...These dreary rain soak, dull shitty days are not helping improve my temperament. So after the last few days of some soul searching, I have decided to do something constructive. A girls group/coffee house weekly meeting for over 40 lesbians. I have done some research and have come to the conclusion that there are more unhappy lesbians than happy. I am including myself in this group but I have an excuse. I'm menopausal! Okay...its not all that but I spoke to my cousin and she says if I take Vitamin B6, some of my depression will lift but will it solve unhappiness? No..I think not! I never realized how many people are so lonely and unhappy in this city! Gay and straight. I've spoken to woman in my gym, people on the street and friends and there is a consensus...life sucks!

So I decided to be constructive. I put out an add to all the lesbians in my community to join me once a week for tea, coffee etc...I hope we will have lively conversation, lots of laughs and just relax and get to know each other. I'll see how it goes and if it goes well, set this up as a weekly get together. Who knows...maybe we can resolve life's little mystery's! Signing off for now!

Ciao

I saw Her

I saw you the other day walking along the street.
You on one side, me on the other.
You were in a rush and focused on where you were going but
I matched your walk, ...fascinated that it was you...needing to make sure....
Then a light came up and turned red and you had to stop.

Yes,,...it was you.
A little older, a little plumper but the same face
You were going to go forward when the light turned green but at the last minute
you turned and came my way.

You didn't see me at first as your head was down but at the last second, we caught each others eye.

You smiled and I smiled that fake smile X-girlfriends give each other when they know it's going to be tough seeing each other after all these years...
Not sure how to react but not wanting to be rude.

We exchange pleasantries and as we talk I remember how you tasted when we kissed
how we had melded in each other's arms, the life we had shared so long ago...memories flood in...
What a strange experience seeing someone you have shared your life with, intimacy's with, now reduced to this single act of a handshake and polite conversation.

We talk for a little longer and found that awkward space that xlovers do and we say our goodbyes.

As I watch her hustle off to her life....my fingertips touch my lips remembering one more memory.
It's cold today....I pull up my collar and bury myself in my jacket for my walk home.

Loneliness

You spoke to me of loneliness
of how your life was empty and unsatisfying.
You expressed your anguish and pain
that you had no lover, no prospects.

I spoke of my loneliness, emptiness
of my anguish and pain
that I had a lover
but it didn't cure what I felt inside

Then I spoke to another who shared the same feelings and pains
the loneliness deep inside that no one could fill
and strangely we were not as alone as we thought.

We are comrades, sharing a common plight
that darkness inside is fed by our anguish
As long as we stay in this belief, the longer and deeper it becomes.

It is raining outside
the damp and darkness is feeding my melancholy
but I know tomorrow is another day and the sun...
she will come out as she always does and clean my soul
of it's despair.

Ickie Love

I am needy.

You never admit that do you?
That you are needy, that you are insecure.

I see the fear in your eyes,
When you are ferocious with your need of me,
you are like a vampire,...you suck all the passion and love I offer,everything you need, I allow you to take and take until....
you are satiated, then when you are done,you push me away out of fear. Your feeling ickie.
Don't tell me I am needy...I know I am.
I don't make excuses.
I want all the love I can get....there is never enough....
I want to breath it, embrace it's fingertips for I have done without far to long and
I have so missed it's tender touch.

I want you to hold me tight. Don't let go...embrace me so tight that I feel ickie and push you away and then...
do it again and again till the fear is gone and there is only light and peace.

The Final Resting place

An ending has just happened and I don't know where it will lead. I can only hope a new beginning will come from it's ashes. It's always around relationships isn't it? We do learn the most about the world and ourselves through the people who touch our hearts and souls.
My neediness and insecurities have became so profound through our union for my needs were being shoved aside by me. I can't blame her. She is who she is and I fell in love with her, warts and all. I could have stopped so much of what was happening. I didn't stand my ground and say "NO". This isn't what I need....this isn't making me happy and I hung on so tight that well....I smothered it.

Now...terrible things have been said. She told me that she may have never been in love with me but with the passion of me. Devastating words. We should be so careful as to what we say to each other. Words scar so deeply and there is no going back in some cases. I called her names ( I have a vicious temper when cornered or hurt) and said things to her that probably should have been said quietly and with compassion instead of in anger but....
I finally said them.
I found release in the truth. I have never been able to say to her that I thought her fear was disabling us.That her relationship with her X was killing us...me...That there were certain things she said and did, that she should have been kinder...gentler about. I yelled in anger something about she was never really committed to our relationship, that it was just a game for her. That was cruel so cruel.

When she was depressed or hurt, a coldness overcame her. A door slammed shut and she kicks me out and she knew how it killed me. So I would get scared, insecure and needy...big surprise! There doesn't seem to be compassion in her when it comes to weakness....my weakness...and I think she is just as tough on herself. Her background has dictated to her..such a horrible past.....and as much as she denies it, she is a sum of those parts and brings her demons to rest with us.She doesn't look after herself anymore than she looks after us.She claims too but I know. Her X and her daughter are of course exempt from her scrutiny. He has been in her life for a very long time. She trusts him explicitly...he past her tests years ago and she does have tests. She too is needy and insecure but that's okay. You are the one that has to be strong. You have to be her rock.

So...Who the hell am I? I'm some girl who slipped between her legs, whispered promises of passion and love and took her to unknown destinations.We don't have 15 years together. I didn't help raise her daughter with her or help her work through grieving her soul mate or been with her through tough times etc...so who am I too her? What does she owe me? It must have been very exotic and exciting for her but who am I to ask for a commitment...for forever?

All I ever needed or wanted from her were small changes that let me know I was important to her. Compromises that showed she respected my feelings...that we had a possible future and that fear was not in her eyes when we spoke of living together. She will say she never closed the door on the possibilities of us but she didn't want to talk about them either. To soon she said...not ready. She slammed the door on us, time after time....and my insecurities grew from her self doubt. Her inability to be a true part of us...and the neediness rooted itself in my cold fear. I became suspicious now...and the ugliness grew.
I pushed moving in together as that's what I do..fucking push!Truly not a smart move on my part. Born of desperation maybe, I thought if we moved in together, we would both feel safe.Peace would finally come to our relationship. She said No. I was so angry and hurt and I didn't know how to express the rejection.

I was falling apart. I couldn't trust her.The ball was rolling down hill now. There was no stopping it. Wanted to know who she was talking to on the phone, where she was going and who she was doing things with.

I should have walked away when I felt nothing was changing. That things were getting worse. That I wasn't happy but I was so in love with her I thought if I just stayed the course ..you know?

Now....she has said things and I have said things.....and I don't know. I can't talk to her now. All I hear in my head is that she is not in love with me. That my neediness and insecurities are not her issue even though they have grown from events and actions that we are both responsible for. I even put all the blame on her!She doesn't take responsibility for what she says and does. What about me? I am so clean in all this!?
I know what I have contributed and what role I have played. I am not guiltless. I had failed at doing my part but I can't make changes on my own. I need her to step up and say, she is part of the problem and work with me instead of us accusing each other. I know her arrogance is part of her survival...her control...and I also need to be right and controlling but were choking the life out of us.

No matter what words and language are used,we chose to come together.We knew we were in different stages in our lives and what challenges laid ahead of us and we dove in anyway and ultimately created a relationship, our relationship.Are we both grownup enough to continue what we started?

Finally...Goodbye

To many years I have carried this baggage
the strap my father beat us with...
the yelling and screaming....
An unhappy mother...
Memories of abuse have swirled in my head...have governed my life,
unkind words, belittling words, such cruelty..violence
I felt so small...I was a child after all.

No identity...no confidence..lost for years
Emptiness inside that demons lay to rest. Snuggling up to my inability to breath...
to live...
Oh to live....I want to live.

So much time spent on nothing. Doing nothing...petrified of success, failure, of everything..
relationships mirrored it all...

No one knew how alone I felt...how unhappy .....how outside I felt...
the neediness grew in time
All these years of a life unfulfilled and I am tired.

Half my life spent with an anvil around my heart.... alone in my thoughts..in my hell
No more. I created this dungeon that I thought was going to protect me but it kept the world out.I wasn't free.
"Not good enough", the voice in my head for so many years.
I didn't need my mother's words anymore to hear . They had a life of their own ...

Parents long dead now...shall I continue the blame...play the victim?
There's no one to punish anymore except myself...
I am strong...I have survived....and I am so much more.
Say goodbye...it offers no joy or friendship or love...
only more darkness and misery and I am finally done with that.

Last Night I went to a 3 hour info session on volunteering as a mentor to a teen or other volunteering opportunities. One of the questions posed to the potential Volunteers was, were you able to leave your own baggage behind? If you have come to volunteer to exorcise your own demon's...DON"T.If you want to be a mentor to a troubled teen, can you be empathetic,be their friend but remember that their safety always comes first and not your own personal agenda?

Doesn't everyone have a personal agenda? Even under the qize of giving back? I think it would be natural to feel that if we volunteer our time, if we try to be better people and give back to the community that it might, just might gives us a free pass to heaven. That all transgressions we have committed, every mean or evil act we have done, for every insensitive word we have uttered, that it will be wiped off the slate of our lives and we are free of guilt.
For me, it's an ache, a longing to be a good person. If I'm going to be honest,I have not led a good life.I have led a very selfish life and a self destructive life and an empty life. I could have done so much for myself and others. I had so much potential and had so many opportunities come my way to be happy and full filled.I never do anything without a possible audience for I was one of those children.I wanted attention even bad attention. I had a volatile childhood and unluckily for me, never had a mentor and was left to flouder like a lot of these kids. I am not a complete person. I have spent the majority of my adult life afraid and insecure. No direction, no confidence and in and out of therapy, trying to "FIND" myself. Such a click word, don't you think? No one was there to teach me what I needed to live a full healthy life. I have struggled always to keep my head above water. Woe is me! and I can go on about my suffering and wasted life. "Yuck!"
So do I have an agenda? Yes I do. I may have not "Been all I could be" but another teen doesn't have to follow that road.It really doesn't take much except persistence(Which I am full of!) and commitment. Am I looking for absolution? Yes
Am I looking to heal myself? Yes...but not at the cost of a child's life. I will be a whole person because I am finally doing something for someone else and hopefully create a positive experience for them.

Experience is a brutal teacher but oh my God, do you learn. C.S Lewis

This is my first blog and anyone coming on it will see I'm a writer. Poetry is my thing to be exact. Having been writing since my teens, it has become a living, breathing part of me.Without it,I think insanity would take it's place.
I have tried my hand on many occasions to write short stories and a novel at one time but I lack the discipline to follow through. I think it's just too long a process for me as I am far to impatient. I need immediate gratification and many of my friends and family can attest to that.

Much of the poetry I write deals with darkness and love. I am a Pisces after all and live for the happily ever after but like most people born under this sign, Love is a sharp blade and draws blood. My blood has been drawn many times and I continue to walk into the sword, time after time looking for ....what?? Aaaah...what we all look for! Open hearts, no judgements,peace and to feel enveloped and safe within someone Else's arms. Now I know what you are thinking, shouldn't you feel those things in yourself? Shouldn't self love be the most important love? We should be searching for our own fulfillment? Yada..yada...
Have you not met a Pisces before??

We love love. We live and breath love. Search for it, learn from its thorns and still pick ourselves up and do it again and again and again. There is no stopping the quest. You can analyse and dissect it and tell me the realities of the situation but in my head, in Pauineland, you will never take the light from me. I will always be optimistic even when I have been cut open and bleeding on the ground. A little dramatic? Fuck ya! I believe! I believe with my whole heart that true love is obtainable, that you shouldn't stop.

As human beings we need love from each other to learn, grow and breath and not do it alone like others would have you believe. Our purpose in this world, is to accept love from one another and embrace it. The most simplest thing to do and the most difficult.
Self love only comes with giving to someone else unselfishly. That can be a lover, a friend, a child etc...but we learn the most from our soul mate, our kindred because they have been with us many times before and the learning continues in each life until....I'm not sure what happens then but I think bliss is involved!

I feel in my heart and soul that all I've said to be true. So the pursuit of happiness and love should not be dismissed. I could be right!

No Other

I love the curve of her face..
the dark images, the warmth, the mystery I see in her eyes..
the smile that sends me on a ride to the moon and her sadness she can only understand.
Her touch...her smell...her taste
There is no other...I am obsessed....

I am consumed by the very thought of her and I know that living without her...
would be excruciating.
It has been so long since I have felt this ache...want...desire...
I have read of such love, such passion.... I do understand it...
the madness changes you.

There is an emptiness I feel when I am not with her..that can only be described as a void...
she brings life, joy and energy to a life that has been empty and with out purpose for so long.....There is such peace with her.


She is not my everything but she is the blood that pumps into my veins of every minute of everyday.
I wake up thinking of her and fall asleep loving her.
There is no other

What about me

I am more confused than ever.
She won't move in with me....as she is not finished with him.
All her demons are draining me. All her cloudiness and lack of direction is making me question.
What am I getting from all this?
What about me? What about my dreams, my needs? Everything is on hold as I wait for her.
I don't think she really understands what she has asked of me...of what I have given up and the daily pain I endure.
She asked if turning me down was going to affect us. I lied....it affects my every breathing moment. She is not mine...she is not her's....
Limbo...is a word I understand....I am so torn by what I need and my love for her.
I am a woman caught between my aching desire and wanting to move into the light...into happiness because if I am honest....
I am not happy....
and I ask myself everyday....why are you doing this?
Love for her and love of self...
What about me?

Am I enough?

My heart is full of distress and insecurity for this path is unknown to me.
I try not to fear her words.... her actions, as I know her to be true but....
I can't help feel that maybe she doesn't love me as she says.
What if she is fooling herself and caught up in the new and what I am offering her...
for she can touch and smell the sea now.

Passion swells in her heart and soul but when that tames it will just be her and I.
Will that be enough?
I know the truth, that true love is not about the swells of passionate seas but of two hearts that meet...that soar together in unison and strength. That struggle with life's challenges are rooted in each others loyalty and trust and not in powerful kisses and ecstatic ecstasy's.
She talks about falling into ordinary as if it's a disease to be avoided. This causes great concern..... for ordinary is extraordinary if you are loved.

I am caught up in fear and doubt now. What is real to me, may not be real for her. I can't always live the fantasy as she thinks I do. I do live in this world of questions, doubts and ordinary like everyone else. Will I be enough for her?

Blue and White

Thoughts of self float softly through shades of blue and white.
Heart beating…testing the waters of past innocents,
Smiling through full lips
Tasting purity

Skip the stone over the water….
Jagged lightning bolt
Old man weeping
Tears on my cheeks,
Tap the barrel and drink

Placing my essence within the circle of life…
My Life!

To Much Noise

A smattering of noise inside my head…I can’t think clearly
I hurt…hurt …fear grips my heart
Thundering like hooves across my eardrums
Covering them does not help..It’s inside
Dark…screaming for release…
I cry out…I can’t see you.

Blessed release from waterfalls behind eyes that have cried too much,
Peace in my soul..in my heart..I see the truth, I see my strength.
Lust, passion..moves from my mouth to my heart to my limbs,
Replaying flesh on flesh, talks into the night, ghosts breath in my ears.

Love me? Love …reach inside and unlock the time I have shared within
See her in your eyes..always about love…tears drop to the floor..clasping hands in
Pray..Plead with God? The Devil?
Who ever will listen and give me the prize of life, my love.

If it not come to fruition, then let me slowly fall into the darkness without to much pain, not to many tears. Release me to another’s heart, to happiness. I compare thee to a summer’s night’s dream; bad remembrance of a great poem…horrid choices will break it apart, I want no other. Love is deep and flows through my veins like rivers of red embrace…I scream again..do not hurt me so deeply, will not, can not do that again.
Dreams fraught with despair, weakness…still searching for the light,
The moment when ….
I see the point in the middle..the peaceful quiet..no noise,
Just the hum of hearts beating, laughing, brightness of open gates of love.

Broken Heart

You asked me if I knew what I had done

How I pushed the knife deep and cut your heart wide open ....

To bleed...

Pieces of your broken heart falling to the floor.

You asked if I knew the pain I had caused,

that your heart ached and your chest hurt from my knife wound

that you couldn't breathe with out pain.

You asked that I not do this again

What were you thinking, how could you do this to the woman you love?

I fall to the floor in my anguish and panic trying to put the pieces back together...

they fall from my hands as I weep....

For I had caused this, for I had not seen how much you loved me.

I was clouded by my fear, doubt, my selfishness

I knew you were so close to the edge, that I could loss you forever

I saw the pain and love in your eyes and I wept yet again.

I tried to kiss you but my lips only brushed yours as you moved away

I deserved that

my penance for not being love, for not cherishing and embracing you.

I now breathe deeply....

hoping that it's not to late

My mask that I thought protected me was a lie

it kept you out, kept the world out....how could I not see?

I pulled the mask off and I breathe

so much simpler, cleaner

the mask dangles from my hand and I reach down again to the pieces of your heart,

the mask falls to the ground, as I need both hands to gentle place the pieces in my basket

this will take time to repair as I sit at a table and begin.