So..I'm getting a little numb from alcohol. It's a nice place. It's not hurtful or rejecting and it doesn't break promises and tell you lies. You feel brave and self assured instead of doubtful and insecure. I do understand the attraction. I understand wanting reality to cease and how for a moment, pain is pushed back even if it is, for the moment.
I will feel self pity for awhile and will drink for awhile and will push back reality for awhile.
Ultimately, I am a strong woman with issues. :) Abandonment and insecurities have plagued me most of my life and being in a relationship just amplifies those scars. I am amazed at how from my first relationship at age 17 to now that that feeling in my stomach when my triggers have been hit, still causes such anxiety and pain that it's as if I am that young wounded girl again!
I am frustrated by that fact. Have I not grown in anyway when it comes to my heart? Are the scars from my childhood run so deep that no amount of therapy, growth, age and wisdom has really affected my emotional development,my ability to chose healthier relationships and have a more balanced outlook of myself???
I guess not. That has to stop!!! This cycle is fucked. I'm not sure what I have to do to treat myself the way I want to be treated but this route is tiring, painful and the SAME SHIT as always!!
Time to move on. I know who I am but haven't been happy with that for a very long time.What do I want and need to be happy?
I need a home that is warm and inviting. Trees,gardens and peaceful.
I need my friends close to me.
I need my family
I need a job that gives me fulfillment
I don't want to be lonely, I can change that.
I need a relationship with a woman who wants what I want.
I need spiritual guidance
I need love
As I read this, what I want is not unattainable. I know this in my head and in my heart but if feels like a million miles away. Strange......I think I'll stay numb for a little while longer. :)
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I now know.....
It's not about alpha females or control or about being set in our ways or dysfunctional interactions or poor communication. It's about commitment.
It's about respecting each others feelings and mostly, it's about what we want from this relationship.
I have always wanted a commitment and Trish, has wanted a lover.She just couldn't believe you can have both. It is as simple as that. She left a 15 year relationship to get to know who she was. She wanted a lesbian lover and explore that part of herself and see where it led. She did not want to get into another relationship.
So..our experiment of living together is coming to an end and I doubt we will be able to salvage much of our relationship from this. We both have tried to make it work because there was great love and passion between us.
Now...I have to start looking after me again. Look after my happiness.No more distractions and dysfunctions and broken promises and hearts. It saddens me deeply that we couldn't make it work. That a love as great as this happened at a time one of us wasn't ready for it. It would have been a beautiful thing if it had been left to grow and breath.
I love you and always will.
It's about respecting each others feelings and mostly, it's about what we want from this relationship.
I have always wanted a commitment and Trish, has wanted a lover.She just couldn't believe you can have both. It is as simple as that. She left a 15 year relationship to get to know who she was. She wanted a lesbian lover and explore that part of herself and see where it led. She did not want to get into another relationship.
So..our experiment of living together is coming to an end and I doubt we will be able to salvage much of our relationship from this. We both have tried to make it work because there was great love and passion between us.
Now...I have to start looking after me again. Look after my happiness.No more distractions and dysfunctions and broken promises and hearts. It saddens me deeply that we couldn't make it work. That a love as great as this happened at a time one of us wasn't ready for it. It would have been a beautiful thing if it had been left to grow and breath.
I love you and always will.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Moving into the bachelor
It's been awhile since i blogged and I will say now that whatever rantings I may write, please understand that they are rantings of a sleep deprived dyke and I can't be held accountable.
I moved in with Trish officially, May 1st/2010. I say officially because I stayed over the night before but let's not split hairs!
So it's been 4 days and I need sleep. Real unbroken sleep! It's no ones fault.Trish and I have always had trouble sleeping together at the best of times. I snore, we are both light sleepers and now, add an injured knee to the mix. I twisted it a few weeks ago and it's taking it's sweet damn time to heal and it's brutal for sleeping as I can only sleep on one side and can only bend my knee a certain way or there is allot of pain. So of course, what do we do? We moved into her bachelor for a month as we are waiting for a one bedroom to come up in her building for June 1st. We know eventually we will need 2 bedrooms or 2 beds but this will do for now just to give us space. We can't sleep together long term so here we are, in her bachelor for a month and we are already walking around like a couple of zombies, barely talking and when Trish is tired, she is critical and sarcastic and when I'm tired, I'm impatient and moody. I think if we can manage some sort of normal sleep patterns in the next week, were good. So I am hopeful.
I moved in with Trish officially, May 1st/2010. I say officially because I stayed over the night before but let's not split hairs!
So it's been 4 days and I need sleep. Real unbroken sleep! It's no ones fault.Trish and I have always had trouble sleeping together at the best of times. I snore, we are both light sleepers and now, add an injured knee to the mix. I twisted it a few weeks ago and it's taking it's sweet damn time to heal and it's brutal for sleeping as I can only sleep on one side and can only bend my knee a certain way or there is allot of pain. So of course, what do we do? We moved into her bachelor for a month as we are waiting for a one bedroom to come up in her building for June 1st. We know eventually we will need 2 bedrooms or 2 beds but this will do for now just to give us space. We can't sleep together long term so here we are, in her bachelor for a month and we are already walking around like a couple of zombies, barely talking and when Trish is tired, she is critical and sarcastic and when I'm tired, I'm impatient and moody. I think if we can manage some sort of normal sleep patterns in the next week, were good. So I am hopeful.
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