I am Numb

So..I'm getting a little numb from alcohol. It's a nice place. It's not hurtful or rejecting and it doesn't break promises and tell you lies. You feel brave and self assured instead of doubtful and insecure. I do understand the attraction. I understand wanting reality to cease and how for a moment, pain is pushed back even if it is, for the moment.
I will feel self pity for awhile and will drink for awhile and will push back reality for awhile.
Ultimately, I am a strong woman with issues. :) Abandonment and insecurities have plagued me most of my life and being in a relationship just amplifies those scars. I am amazed at how from my first relationship at age 17 to now that that feeling in my stomach when my triggers have been hit, still causes such anxiety and pain that it's as if I am that young wounded girl again!

I am frustrated by that fact. Have I not grown in anyway when it comes to my heart? Are the scars from my childhood run so deep that no amount of therapy, growth, age and wisdom has really affected my emotional development,my ability to chose healthier relationships and have a more balanced outlook of myself???

I guess not. That has to stop!!! This cycle is fucked. I'm not sure what I have to do to treat myself the way I want to be treated but this route is tiring, painful and the SAME SHIT as always!!

Time to move on. I know who I am but haven't been happy with that for a very long time.What do I want and need to be happy?

I need a home that is warm and inviting. Trees,gardens and peaceful.
I need my friends close to me.
I need my family
I need a job that gives me fulfillment
I don't want to be lonely, I can change that.
I need a relationship with a woman who wants what I want.
I need spiritual guidance
I need love
As I read this, what I want is not unattainable. I know this in my head and in my heart but if feels like a million miles away. Strange......I think I'll stay numb for a little while longer. :)