I am no good at love

The anger in me is like a red hot poker.
I can't stop the words pouring from my lips, from my heart.
I want to hurt her so badly for the pain she is putting me through.

I will not love again after this.
It is just to hard.
I pick the wrong ones
I make bad choices in love and I never learn.

It's like trying your hand at learning an instrument, like a violin.
you just don't have the talent or the skills to do it well...
No matter how long you practice, you never improve.
Sometimes it's just not your strength, your talent

I am no good at love, at intimacy. She has told me so.
No matter how hard I try, I am not good at it.

So I am done with love. It has broken my heart for the last time.

The universe is loud and clear. Move on to something you have a talent for.

I hate you for this.

Give It a Rest

That is what she said to me. Exact words are, " It's time to give it a rest". This is my blog and I want to VENT! You fucking Bitch! Drama Queen! If she read these words, she'd say I was abusive, or make some sort of sarcastic remark like, Nice to see the old P hasn't disappeared! The usual bullshit. If she only knew what people really thought about her. I was never that spiteful, to tell her what was said. She would have thought I was making it up or being cruel. ( and I would have been.that's why I've never told her what has been said about her. )
I have never solicited remarks or comments but have been surprised by the words coming from friends and people she knew! The only observation and remark I heard from my circle was once a friend witnessed her moods and said, is this normal behavior? I said yes and they said, a little over the top and I now have a small understanding of what you go through.It was the first validation that I got from someone outside of Trish and I and it felt....good.

I did believe for the longest time that everything that has gone wrong in this relationship has been my fault. Not only did I believe it, it was reinforced by Trish. She blames me for every unhappy moment we have shared. The arrogance does astound me.I remember when I had vented to a friend one day about Trish and I's tumultuous relationship, she suggested that Trish was the one that needed to grow up emotionally as well. That it's not all my fault. That it's unfair that I should shoulder all the blame and that she, created alot of unnecessary drama.
I could cite all kinds of wrongs but then I would be petty and if she ever reads this blog, it will just be another mark against me or her favorite saying is, "why are you with me if I'm so mean to you?"

This has been tiresome, controlling and so fucking sad. She doesn't look at herself. She points fingers at everyone else but not at herself. There is very little humility in her. She needs to be right at all costs.

Her beauty and sincerity. Her love and passion. Her compassion and joy are buried under another person and the real Trish, never stays out to long. She accuses me of being a perpetual 12 year old boy etc.... but she doesn't see the damage she has done, and she doesn't own it. She never owns her responsibility in all this because if she did, she would have to make changes and she doesn't want to do that.

Just for the record Trish, when you drink a bottle of.....ANYTHING, you will be hungover and depressed because that's what alcohol does to the brain. Check it out if you think I'm lying.
So of course the next day after drinking, she's depressed. EVERY fucking time. Does she see the pattern....NO... If she does, she ignores the reality because that's what she does. Just sayin....

I am no saint. I am insecure, controlling and absolutely need to grow up in certain areas of my life.I will listen if you have something constructive to say and it may take me a few times before I get it right but the bottom line is...I TRY!
I really do try but praise is not a regular thing in this relationship and I have been guilty of that on many occasions. I'm not proud of the fact that I had so much to learn and aspire to. I know she struggled with me but I TRIED and eventually there were some successes. Bravo Pauline! Your a work in progress. Congratulations and keep on moving forward....and I did make progress. I looked in the mirror and saw I needed to make changes and I worked on them.
She did nothing.

Never worked on her mood swings. Never tempered her sarcasm and hurtful comments. Made me feel small...that I wasn't good enough. Selfish. When I suggested on a few occasions we should get some help to sort out what we can't seem too, she wouldn't have anything to do with that! She believes that if your problems are so big that you can't sort it out on your own, then you shouldn't be together in the first place. Especially if you haven't been together long. Great words of wisdom from a flawed human being like the rest of us.

Our relationship isn't like most "normal" beginnings. It has been extremely difficult. So yes...I thought we could use a outside voice. A neutral observer that could help us sort out the crap.

I have never said I have all the answers and I know this blog tonight is all about venting but there is truth in all I have said. I love this woman very much. She has always felt it wasn't real between us but that is her stuff not mine. The madness and criticism and negativity from BOTH of us, has sucked everything good and descent and loving from every pore.

She hates it when I say "us", or "both" when I'm making a point about what is wrong in our relationship.I always thought we were a couple in distress and that it took both of us to create a positive or negative life together. I don't believe she ever saw us, as us. She was too messed up with Trish and I was too selfish. She needed to find herself and I wanted a partner. Simple..right?

FUCKING HURTS is what is wrong! The picture I put with this entry is a picture Trish has always associated with her journey with me into lesbian lovemaking. I know she would love this breakup to be clean and easy like it was with her Mikey but I'm sorry Trish, this is going to be messy and painful because real heartache is not clean and easy. All our memories of love and lovemaking. All our shared dreams and adventures, our history and all our romances and whispered words to each other are now over and that pain of lost .... will make it as real and as ugly as it gets. So fuck your messy free breakup!

The summer of 95

I remember the night sounds of frogs croaking and branches creaking in those old trees and as a light breeze moved through the leaves, I felt alive and present. The sound of water gently lapping against the shore in the background as we smoked a little grass, drank a lot of beer and spoke softly in an intimacy only woman understand. We were happy, I was happy. I sometimes think this was the last time I felt real contentment and true joy. When I close my eyes, I can transport myself there. I feel wrapped in the past as if a comfortable blanket has been thrown over me.
I loved you all. You gave me a sense of belonging, a secret society I never was privy to as a child. We were all wounded one way or another when we met. We Soothed each others demons and listened to each others stories of sorrow and regret. It was a summer of distractions, of booze and drugs and friendship. While some only touch us for a short while and drifted away over the years,that warm summer of 1995, bound us together...for life. I loved you all with such intensity then. I laughed till I cried and cried till I laughed.

We told our friends and families of our first summer together but no one really understood it all really. I don't think we understood the magic that happened between us either but even now when we tell our stories, our faces light up with recollection, laughter and knowing. We share a secret you see and when our eyes connect,we smile.

We had three summers together before I decided to go on an adventure without them. I carried those memories with me and now when I find I am not happy, which is often, I reach into my heart and remember joy.

The insanity of it all!

It sometimes isn't about what you have contributed. It's sometimes not about the past or the present. It is simply, you are in the wrong place at the wrong time. Another woman in an alternative universe is sublime. Everything she does and says you love and everything you do and say she adores. Do relationships have to be so fucking stupid? Does the one I have, half to unravel everyday, every moment, all the fucking time? Can the bliss actually stay around for longer than 24 fucking hours??? I don't want this freaking real world!
I know that nothing about this relationship healthy. It doesn't matter what i do it will never be enough. So why can't I walk away????

The answer

Do you believe all those things you say about me? and is that all you can see now?
Do you take none of the responsibility as to where we find ourselves?
I am cruel and abusing, did you look in the mirror and see the truth?
There is no defense when looking in the mirror.
We both had a choice to walk away. We knew then, there was something wrong. Why didn't I leave when it started getting ugly?
Did we have to wait until ever ounce of light and passion was sucked dry from our hearts? We did nothing to save us. I did nothing to save me. You did nothing to save yourself.
Is this what they call co-dependence, abuse?
I walked around the apartment this morning and breathed in your life.
I know your history. Your possessions are mixed with mine, your smell is intertwined with my clothes, your life has become a part of mine .....I am bitter that I am about to lose the fabric of our lives together. It should have been longer!

I know I have to leave as this can be the only truth now but I feel a strange distance, sadness...not sure anymore what I am feeling.
If you had been mine from the beginning........
The what "if" drives me crazy!!!
What if:
you had been single
a lesbian
knew who you were
was knee deep into your writing with no excuses
no ex as a daily reminder
What if:
I was happy
not going through menopause
not so selfish
not so self absorbed
found where I belonged again

Do I still love you? Yes...but.....I can't do this anymore. I so wish there was an answer, a solution as I do love a clean thought, a clean ending but there is none in this case.

You see me as the enemy and you have for awhile now. You accuse me of so many things and are angry. I am so frustrated that you really never saw what you did to me as well. You only see me as the lesbian that let you down, that didn't follow through on what I promised, that I didn't live up to a higher code, that it was all about me.

If you had really looked, would you have seen what you did to me? How I have changed, how your behavior perpetuated so many negative behaviors in me? How small you made me feel? How I could never do anything right by you? I felt swallowed up by you. I couldn't breath anymore.I wasn't me anymore? Is this how you felt about what I did to you?

Strange...even after breaking it all down and trying to make sense of the mess I am in...there is a part of me that has a glimmer of....hope? What is that about? Why do I still want a part of this relationship? Why can't I just say goodbye? I've read what I wrote. It makes sense to wash my hands of all this insanity. Have I become so entrenched in the dis function, I am scared to be alone without it? Or is it deeper than that?
Or is it simply, I love her but don't know how to love her the way she would like me to? and visa versa.

Is it that? We don't know how to love each other in a way that is fulfilling, supportive and healthy for both of us?? Were we incapable of uplifting each others souls and creating peace together? I blame you for letting me down and you blame me for letting you down.
I feel ashamed of what I have done to you, do you feel the same? Or do you only want to blame still?

You always said we weren't good together and now I know the answer I never wanted to hear....you were right.

I will only miss you

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~Thomas à Kempis, Imitation of Christ, c.1420



Trish and I have finally come to that place that all relationships go to when they end. A graveyard of numbness and distance. We are still living together till the end of the month and then I leave. I have an apartment in a friends house. I am not going to rehash our history and I am not going to play she said, I said and who did what to whom.
I know we really have to end this for we have not been able to solve the perils of Trish and Pauline. I do believe in certain truths as to why we have failed so badly and the ultimate truth was I am a gay woman, wanting a gay relationship. I loved Trish very much and still do but Trish stands in the way of her own happiness.She is one of the most defensive and self righteous people I know. She doesn't allow herself to be completely open and it's really not her fault as she never had time to end her old life. She went from old to new, in a heartbeat and me......I am sooo fucking impatient. I have always wanted what I want...now. I believed I could bring her into my world in an instant and Viola....instant lesbian! I can be very naive in my stubborn idealism and for my part, I ruined the journey for her by not standing back and letting her flower at her pace.
From my point of view, Trish has, since I've known her, come from a place of fear, defensiveness, is inconsistent in pursuing her desires and dreams. She blames me and others for not following through on what she wanted. Her favorite phase is: there are too many distractions or I changed my mind. I don't know how many times I've heard her say things out loud about what she wants to do for herself and she never follows through. The worst part is she blames everyone but herself.

I do see myself reflected in her personality and one of the many things I have learned on this journey was to embraced consistency in my own life. I actually followed through with Children's Aid because of Trish. I am volunteering and soon to be mentoring a teen because she made me realize I did the same thing! I didn't follow through on my desires and I can do as she does and wait for the "right moment" but what if the right moment never comes?
She has taught me that. To move on what I desire as there will never be a right moment other than now.

I have also learned that I am good enough. Strangely all the negatives that were thrown at me have made me stronger. The constant guilty manipulative words that made me feel unworthy were just a reflection of how I felt about me and I let it happen. She said these things because she did not have control of her own life, her desires and her journey. I have finally realized this wasn't ever about me. I will admit, in my selfish need to obtain her, I didn't really see her and now....I do.

I do believe Trish, my Trish, the woman I made love to, who spoke with me in soft tones, who shared my world of fantasy with me and who's eyes spoke of deep emotions and intensity will be much more present than the woman of hardness, defensiveness and fear. I do believe she will step through someday and I wish her well on her journey to self. :)