No expectations

So,,, Trish emails me this:
*The sharpness of the truth has made the realist step up and usurped the romantic. So now, all I want is to have sex with you cuz I miss your kisses and I miss you fucking me and I miss hearing you groan when I make you cum. Simple. It's primal, it's unemotional. It's just sex. I finally get it. I'm okay with that now. Are you? Or do you see having sex with me a baby step towards getting back together? I just want you to be clear on what I'm offering so there will be no unmet expectations. I have none. And I don't want you to either. If we could just enjoy each other physically that would be awesome. Just sayin ;)*

I've been thinking about it and as much as a part of me is going,"Hell Ya!" Theirs another part of me going, "but what about the romance?"

If its just come over and fuck me sex, I'm not sure that will work between us. What connected us sexually was the emotion, the passion and yes romance. What if that is taken out of the equation and all that is left is the carnal lust? Will it all just fall flat?

A friend of mine said recently if I let go of expectations I will rarely be disappointed and I do understand the truth behind those words but does it relate to making love? I do have an expectation based on my sexual history with Trish and after the email was sent to me, texts followed that were almost business like in the setting up of time and day, what to bring and food etc...doesn't this take away from the spontaneity of the moment?

I guess I'll find out Sunday and if it all goes to hell in a hand basket, so be it! No expectations, therefor no disappointment. Right?

A work in progress....

Over the years I have slowly extracted myself from living. I will never know when it started to fall away. Maybe a series of events and social venues I cancelled or my level of judgment about others became more pronounced around me or I just got lazy.
Maybe my unhappiness with myself was a virus.Slowly over time grew and infiltrated my very essence of self and extracted every ounce of joy from my life. As that virus consumed my cells, my life, I began to eat and never stopped. Weight gain was armour from unhappiness and fulfillment. Weight gain made me lethargic and I began to give up little by little. Weight gain allowed my immaturity to defeat the adult. IT WAS JUST TO MUCH WORK! because....I'm not worth it.

That misery...strangely...is a comfortable friend. Unhappiness is a virus that infiltrates your joy.it's slow and patient you never realize what has happened to you until your sitting at home on a Friday Night, eating a bag of chips and watching your life become minutes of insignificant moments. Moments that you will never get back. Moments of non essential seconds of an insignificant life. How depressing is that?! If it was someone else's life, I would have no pity. I'd be saying, "GET UP you miserable pathetic excuses for a human being!" No compassion or Love for another person suffering.I'd think to myself, so pathetic...not worth paying attention too as its their own doing.


Cruel and cold, no support whats so ever and that.....
is what I say to myself everyday.



Now what?