What If

Your eyes sparkled the first time we meet
your chatter made me smile
when I first kissed you....I knew you
and when we made love, you fit me.

I knew you felt what I felt but
the reality swept in every time you had to leave
Even with Venezuela on the window and Michell
playing as the backdrop to our
love affair,
the pain cut deep


What if there was no where to rush too?
You never left me for him
What if you stayed in my bed after love making?
Your naked body next to mine...permanent.
What if you didn't have to wipe me away?
You never had to hide our sex
What if you stay with me...your choice?
Your lips on my lips.
What if you were free?

The knowledge that there could have been
a paralleled life to this one..
Another possible out come.....
it's maddening to think....

the poison is in the blood
the wounds have not healed
there was no chance for a future.

The Truth

It doesn't matter the reality of the situation.
It doesn't matter we can't seem to get it together.
It doesn't matter that we have analyzed, dissected, prodded and hurt each other to no end.
The truth is.....I have always ached for you and when you break up
with me time and time again, it rips my heart out every single time.
The truth is I feel so alone without you and have felt that way for quite some time.
I have always wanted and needed you but you have kept your emotional distance.

The truth is I ache for you right now and the emptiness is a dark hole.

Stayed to Long Part 2

I just reread my posting of 3 weeks ago and the Essence of the poem, "Stayed to Long" is just as powerful and true now as when I wrote it.
There is something inside of me that is not happy or satisfied with Trish. I don't know why I keep going back.I guess there is a big part of me that wants it to work so badly and for so many reasons that the truth that we don't make each other happy keeps getting shoved aside. We have had happy moments and we have pleased each other but it's always fleeting and inevitably we let each other down in very painful ways.

I watched a show on Oprah yesterday about men who had been sexually abused as children. I didn't think I could relate to the shows theme but the raw emotions and pain touched me very deeply. What I learned from the show has given me a clearer understanding about why I do what I do and that you have to let go of the bad to move forward. You have to create your own safe environment for yourself and your inner kid to be healthy. You have to stop beating yourself up for what you can't control.
I still feel like a failure and I will for awhile but this was an unhealthy relationship for me. I wanted to be heard, I wanted her to be what I wanted and I wanted to be happy.

There were so many wonderful qualities that attracted me to Trish but there were also qualities that weren't healthy for the type of person that I am. Even though a big part of me plays the role of a Boi, my heart is soft and feminine. I needed someone that communicated softer and was able to see pass the outer exterior and tread softly even when I couldn't. I saw the things that weren't good for me but because I was lonely and wanted a relationship so badly, I wore blinders. Now the blinders are off and I see what I didn't see then. It's not her fault, it's my responsibility to me to choose wisely. To be good to myself. To accept what I can not change and to accept the flaws in myself as well as in other people.
Somewhere inside of me I have an expectation of myself and others that is hard to live up to. I may live the rest of my life alone because of those expectations.

Thanks to Trish and this relationship, I will not enter another relationship with someone with rose colored glasses. It's not fair to me and definitely not fair to someone else.

I think the one great quality that brought me back time and time again was Trish's heart. When her guard was down and she wasn't distant and tough and I was able to touch her in her soft places, that connection was what held me to her. I just wish she had been strong enough to stay in that place when I wasn't. I needed her to be the soft rock, port or whatever you want to call it. I needed her to understand me and my inconsistencies and as much as I complained, I also sang her praises. I am not an easy person to be with and I know it but if I get what I want, I give you what you need. Sadly, that never happened.