Words Fail...

I have had writers block since you wrote me.
How can I write when the words fail me?
Can't seem to express...anything.
I go through my days as if I am looking through a one way mirror,
Lost in thought....lost in memories and some bitterness.

It didn't have to be this way. I could have said something different.
Could have said so may things but in the end....
I just didn't.
What was the point?

I knew it was over, even when my lips touched yours
and my hands moved over familiar passions....
Familiar feelings....
Familiar love.

I wept as I watched you leave because in my heart, I sensed it was the last time...
My heart ached for days later because I didn't say what I so desperately wanted to say.

Now I can write because the words don't fail me anymore.

At first I wanted to tear you down,
I wanted to hurt you so badly for how I felt...
but to what end?

It has taken me a week to write this poem and even now....
I don't know what to say that will make me feel...
closure...release..?

I have not found peace from this.

You know

Oh I miss the lips that electrify mine,
The pull and tug on my nipples,
The scars that I trace with my finger tips...
I remember all that is beautiful about you.

The ease of conversation and words and lust and romance
the peace was sweet and gentle

Then you left and I felt that pain of separation.
No other has ever made me feel the way you make me feel....
There has been little conversation since you left, as we both know it will elicit pain

Sleep is elusive...I am up at 4 am laundering my sheets to remove
your scent.
hoping it will ease what I feel but I remember whispering to you
"You are my heart" and your answer back....
Sweet tears of want fall from my eyes.
I remember all that is beautiful about you.

I need to write this or I will never sleep again...my love
My ode to you...my heart speaks to your heart....
you know all that I know....
I will not write of this again....

I'm Sorry

https://youtu.be/YQHsXMglC9A

Ghosts

Asleep in my bed caught in between awake and asleep,

a mist moves slowly in through my window and swirls around my head.

Memories are awoken and I can smell you so close...I can touch you.

I feel lips on mine ever so gentle and eyes that I remember from long ago,

pierce mine.

Your body lowers...I can feel your heat....your heart beat...so palatable...

I resist the urge to speak....to touch... as I know this apparition is not real...I must be dreaming

then as quickly as the mist appeared...it is gone and I am alone.

A lone tear escapes my eye as I fall back into a deep sleep.

Maybe...

Your not over her.
That is what she repeated when I wouldn't be the woman that she wanted.
Emotionally distant and cold were regular verbs in our discussions.
I will never fall in love with her because my heart belong to my Ex.

Mmmm...



She represented everything I wanted.
Financially stable, grounded in who she was, funny, attractive, smart etc...
but she wasn't her?

Maybe...but...

She was also demanding and insecure and spoiled...lol


So young and old at the same time...

Maybe I'm not over my "Ex"...such a strange word that falls from my lips

or maybe Im not meant to love her...

Maybe she was my transition...

Maybe....

Or maybe she was right all along.

Karma is a bitch.

Morning Tide

It is undeniable that my heart is torn.
I don't remember a time when it wasn't...
I am never settled in my needs and wants
my emotions flow and ebb like the tide at dawn.
it does make it difficult to settle in one place ...to make permanent decisions.

I know who I am but the knowing doesn't always mean it is easy.
One day I feel this way the next...so easily changed.
I still thing of you, you know...I still think of all the others I have loved and lost.
An endless stream of memories that haunt my early mornings of insomnia.

Aging has become a book of daily memories.
I worry that life is never enough....and I will be alone always
I blame others for my dissatisfaction...I blame others that life doesn't fit.

I am happy but...like the morning tide, that changes daily. My feelings ebb and flow...
Reflection and melancholy are like old friends that come to visit now and again just to let
me know that yes....sometimes...most times...life is never enough.

I always need...want...more.

There is a strange sort of comfort in sitting by the shore...by knowing where it comes from...
by knowing this about myself....

As I write these words, others...friends, people I have loved and love now,
may read this entry and say, " That is why! I always wanted to know if there was anything else I could have done?"

The answer is no....it was never you.

The tide always moves in and engulfs my heart and mind and takes me out to sea.

The Reinvention of P

There is a renewed strength in me.
I no longer accept what is not right for me.
I no longer will accept complications
I will no longer accept less than what I deserve to fill my heart,...what I want.

I stand up for the healthy confident me.
Single again because I will not accept less than what I deserve.

It's frustrating at times but liberating as well.
It only took a few months this time to realize, toxic doesn't work anymore.
Manipulation of words....manipulation of me to fit someone elses ideal...doesn't work anymore.

This is me. All of my baggage...all of my strengths...simplified in this one moment.

aah...sigh.

No more waiting

Now that I am free of what ifs...of hope that you will return,

I am at peace.

You were never going to come back to me in this lifetime.

Trust was broken, feelings hurt and words...words...words.

So many words, in so may ways but no true direction.

Tell me what you feel...you finally did but in so many words.

You are a turtle in everything you do.

Infuriating.

You just should have come back to me dammit!

Fuck the trust issues! Fuck our history. I told you I wanted you back... you loved me...

and yet....

you stayed away.

That is your fault not mine.

You waited too long. I can't wait anymore.

I'm not in Love

Finally I am free from the past...

Free within myself...confident...

I am not chained anymore to love...

Fucking for release.... fun...fucking from my naked self, for my freedom.


No one will make me feel guilty for wanting no attachments.

No one will have my heart for awhile...

My heart only belonged to her and now.....

It's mine again.

“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.”
― Robert Browning Hamilton
John Bauer (1882-1918) - Flora 1915

The first Date

I went on my firs date after 7 years of not being out there.

She was lovely...smart...grounded....had a great job...money and she is truly happy with herself and....she wasn't you.

went to her place on a second date and she tried to get close to me... I flinched...she knew it was a mistake.

I ran inside myself.

She reached out today and told me she knew what happened....that she knew she had moved on me too fast.

She's patient. ..caring...and she's not you.

she lives in our old neighborhood.

Shops in the places we shopped.

It was weird going to her place...it was one street over from ours.

Our memories...

She was what I wanted.

I threw it out to the universe and it granted my request and I feel nothing for her.

I only felt you.

I am poisoned.

A Chronic Case of Pain

I didn't think she could still bring tears to my eyes, to anger, to sadness.
I thought I was over all that.

Our relationship had shifted to a happier, friendlier place. We were able to speak to each other without
inflicting pain, without drama. With ease and compassion our language had changed.
Peace at last.

She spoke of marriage to another. That's all it took. No fault. Just conveying what had happened, how she felt.
I was taken from my comfortable place and stripped of my armor.
I thought I was over all that.

I sat nub at the news...staring into space. I don't know why I was so surprised. Kate is good to her.
She treats her like a queen and spoils her like a lover should. Why am I so stunned by the news?
It was bound to happen. A profound sense of failure on my part.
I thought I was over that.

She took her to Paris. Not our Paris but Kate is willing to carry the dream that she and I had carried.
There always seems to be a small stab to the heart. That I was unable to be more than myself.
Not sure why I am still open to this chronic pain when it comes to her.
I thought I was over that.

She did say no. Not ready she said. She still pines for me as I for her.
Thought I was over that too.

Aloneness

Alone too much in my bubble.
Memories of the past keep me safe, stagnate.
Not fear that holds me here. Complacency, unmotivated to move forward.
Why am I so settled here? I am bored and restless...have I lied to myself? Maybe it is fear?
I know not what to do.

Trapped in my memories, not realizing till now, it is me that has controlled this course.
Need to let go of the past...need new and exciting adventures.
Plagued by self doubt.

I feel very alone today. Need to set a new course or I will die here.

In my loneliness I have created an imaginary life that will never exist.
I do know that. I guess I have always known that.

I do want more for myself. Can't just be happy in my bubble.

My spirit needs more...needs love...needs a passion...needs....

I have isolated myself from everyone, controlled when I see my friends...
when I socialize...when I live.
Live?...I don't live...I exist.

The mirror is very big and sharp today and I see my reflection very clearly.
I stand alone staring at what I have become.

Reflection and Circumspect

Why do I still need to reach out to you?
Is it my memories or wishes of what is lost or could have been?
Is it because no one has stepped into my life to steal my heart from you?

Do I still love you? Do I miss your kisses, your eyes, your touch?
Day dreams of you lying with me...why do I do this to myself?

The art of letting go is not for the weak.
I am stuck in my memories and dreams of you. My loss and regret of you.
Maybe that's all it is.

I don't dwell on the things that broke us apart. I know I could have done better.
Been more....
we both could have been so much more...

At the core of it, my love still runs deep.
Ever present ache, emptiness

I wish for the blessed release of a new love. Someone that could end this cycle.Take me to a fresh new start.

I look down on this part of me, hoping that something will happen.
Anything, to move my heart again.

Who I am.

It's been awhile since I spoke about myself and my journey.
I guess I was enjoying my reconnect to self so much. :) It's ironic that I have ended up at the beginning. The child I was is now the adult.
I was always a strange duck. Quite introverted as a child.
very happy in my books,my drawings and playing fantasy games with my brother.

My Mother use to kick me out of the house as she was worried that I always had my nose in a book and wasn't engaging with other kids.

Not until my 20's did I become more social. Not because I had changed much just that I had found the key to being like everyone else....

drugs and alcohol.

When I drank, I was social, charming, engaging. When I smoked, I was comfortable in my own skin enough to play music for others
and to express myself as me. I didn't care that I didn't fit in or about what others thought.

Recently Lynx was home for 10 days. Haven't seen her in almost 2 years. It was so wonderful to reconnect.

We had one of our deep conversations in the tree house that I miss terribly and she asked me an interesting question.

What do I get from my relationship with Bella that I don't get from my relationships with woman?

It really wasn't that hard to answer. Unconditional love.
I have been involved with some amazing woman but I never felt they truly understood me. They needed me to be someone else. Someone more nurturing, more engaging than I was. There was an overall theme. I was too self absorbed and they felt left out of my life or I was unhappy with them.

Bella lets me be me. I yell at her sometimes cause her meowing drives me crazy. When I'm cranky, I shoo her away and she lets me be and lets me love her on my terms. She never gets offended or hurt and a few minutes later she's back to her old self.
Strangely this relationship hasn't given me insight into myself. She knows I love her. I shower her with affection. We have a regular cuddle time every evening and like most cats it lasts about 1/2 hr and she's off. lol It works. And because I am comfortable in this warm cocoon of give and take, I am happy and secure. We only demand from each other what we can give. No hurt feelings, no long talks about how I am not happy or not supportive etc,no guilt or being made to feel I'm failing my partner etc....

I am happy. I am me. Lynx suggested that there is someone out there that would accept me for who I am not. Remember the quote" You get more flies with sugar than salt?" That is me. If my heart is free to flourish at it's own pace, the more my partner receives from me. Love this chart.

In all that I have learned about myself and the peace I have found in my reconnection, there is still an emptiness. That place that belongs to her. I have daydreams, wishes of us reconnecting. Us both being happier people and being able to bring back what we have learned and accepted about ourselves....to each other.
I wish on a pretty daily bases that we were still together knowing what I know now. Wondering if we could accept and respect who we are without the drama and the angst. That we could love like we wanted....feel like we wanted....embrace being alive and happy.
Maybe it is a dream but dreams do come true. As always, I leave a light on in the kitchen in hopes she will reach out and say," Yes...she is ready".

My Last Love

I know you don't want to speak to me anymore,
It causes confusion and pain.
I know you are lonely and sad as
you miss me.... us....passion.
I know you miss our connection, our intimacy
and causes moments of great yearning and want.

I feel your pain everyday as I am still connected to every
emotion you feel.
Maybe I never loved you that deeply...the first love, hard to get over love
the love you feel you will never have again but I have had that first real love
and I know how you feel. I know how long it took to get over that pain.

but....

Maybe I didn't love you like you were my first love but I did love you like you were my last.
You were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
You were the one, after 20 years of exiling love, I shared myself...yes my demons and my flaws
but...My love as well.

I opened my doors to you as much as I could. Doesn't that count? Didn't I give you what you wanted?
It never seemed enough. There was always angst, too much feeling, too much sensitivity, moodiness
just to much emotion? Just...too much.

I miss you everyday and think of you almost as much as I regret our distance.
You are my last love and you got away.

I may never see you again but the yearning will be with me forever.

Seepage of memories flow from my tongue like silk and wine.
Memories of split lips from wanting...wanting..
Memories of secret places and pussy's licked.
clamoring, never ending streams of film in my head...
fuck me...fuck me...only me...I want you to fuck me.
Tell me...whisper your pain, your lust..
I am rage...I am passion...I want to ripe you apart...
Anger seethes where love doesn't live anymore.
breath in and out, calm the beast, calm the yesterday of thoughts,
of tears of lust and regret.
Memories that flashback to you, the mirror of you, the last of you.

Just for her.

I am stronger now.
With a smile of irony on my lips,
I am now plagued by pain in my limbs as my heart becomes lighter.
Is this penance for a life filled with selfishness and indulgence?
Can not let thoughts of darkness cloud my light.
Nor allow regret poison my new found freedom.

I still read her though. Can't help myself. Such a glorious writer.
I wish she wrote more.
There is a spot in my heart that is evil. That is smug and happy that she is not.
We tortured each other with our prose. Still do I think.

It will never be over. Such a confusing flow of energy. An invisible cord
attached to us forever. There is no romance in that.

She never believed to this day, that I wanted her, that I loved her with all that I am.
Even in the dysfunction of our relationship, my blood pumped loudly for her.

My memory....my regret....every day there is a moment just for her.

There are claims of disillusionment,
my pulse tells me I'm alive but I don't live.
there are moments of pure sweet clarity
and it streams like water clean and cold.
I don't believe that what I have ...what I am...is no more flawed than any other.
Open the doors and let the light shine.
Cant begin to tell you how I feel.

Rivers of passion run wild in my soul,
I miss you to distraction.
I am too weak...I am to obsessed...
crave your touch...your heart beat...your rhythm
behind my eyes I see only you when I go to sleep...while I sleep
and with every waking hour.

This demon that possesses me, is relentless.

You have finally learned to tune me out...turn me off and the moments we shared
are memories put away to protect yourself.

You have become stronger....as I melt and anguish in my wants and desires and await for your return.

Vulnerable

I've been told in a very quiet way that I have to be patient, that it's going to be tough on me.
That it's going to be tough on everyone.
That there are no guarantees...I sense the distance...I do understand

but what I feel...what I experienced...I've never been good with grey areas.

I miss you after the bubble. Want more of course because it was light and easy.

When I experience such intimacy with you, it was very hard to let that go.

I'll be fine....just ....at the moment...vulnerable and feeling the distance.

The Bubble

My emotional life is still wrapped up in you.
I dreamed of you last night. the curve of your smile, that little scar above your lip.
Will it ever become easy?

I want so much to be close to you that I would just be your friend and honor that but....
inside my heart, I want to kiss you and keep kissing you for the rest of my life.

I close my eyes and think of all the little things I miss. One of my reoccurring day dreams,
is you working at your desk, so very focused and I come up behind you and kiss your neck.
A small romantic gesture, that quickens your heart beat. I feel your passion rise a little and then
your mock gesture to wave me a way so you can work and focus. I know and you know that if i had pushed a
little more you would have been in my arms beginning me to fuck you.

For me, its a sensual sexy moment that I miss dearly among so many others. Who knew that the last time I did that,
it was the last time.

I don't think that ache for you will ever release so I am ready to take what I can get from you even if it's
only short moments in time.

I don't want to hear about you life with Kate. That is your other life with out me. That is not part of my bubble with you.
I want to stay in this place of love and passion that is only you and I. No one will ever be able to reach us here. Ever.