Ghosts of Abuse

Yelling. screaming, hitting....
child with a full bag of black, putrid words
Not good enough, stupid, do it my way, control

Carried what I learned to my lovers, my partners...
Do it my way, your way is not good..
What are you doing?
I am more a question, attitude, make faces abuser.
Arrogant when I speak, tone implies your stupid..
Like a silencer on a gun....a slow serpent with a deadly tongue.

When I erupt in my red hot anger....then I am my mother's daughter..
My father's punching bag...and I pull out all I have learned, all the anger...
the words of hate, pain....
Don't even see what I am doing wrong...
it's normal to me until....
My lover...says...you make me feel bad about myself...
I can never do anything right....
Can you not be supportive instead of tearing me apart?

I hate what I am, what my parents have produced and I know...
I am the only one who can change.....
I can continue and stay alone or
stay in the moment...stay in love.....kill the demon, the serpent within...
Let the ghosts of abuse evaporate
Be happy.

Admiration

I am the dreamer, the romantic...
I live in my head...
I live in my heart...
I live in a place of fairy's
and I try to stay away from the harshness
of reality.

I am aware of this world.
I have to live here....
Can I take you with me to mine,,,, from time to time?
I know I frustrate you with my fluidity...
my lack of focus...my forgetfulness.

You have the strength to live here.
You do bring me to this reality, to share my life with you..
I know it's a struggle as you don't understand where I go...
why I go....but your strength, your love, I am ever cognisant of your power.

I admire and detest your realism.
but...I can transport you to my world so easily.
you are the one who sees...
You are a writer after all! You see my stories, you are able to fly with me...
Such an amazing gift, don't you think?
You can live in both worlds effortlessly. Again...I admire you.

I struggle daily to stay in this world and not fade into the other.
Where.... you move through them as if there is no door!

You are capable of such great things.
I may never say this enough and I now know I don't.
You are my love, my muse.
I need to let you, be you.
I idealize you but at the same time, know you.
I romanticize you but am aware of your struggles, your pains, your life.
I dream of you but need to accept your realities.

You remind me what I am here for. What I need to accomplish and what...
the prize is...
what is waiting for me in this world.

I need to be able to make you happy in my love of you.
That is my journey to your heart and soul.
It will also lead to my own happiness.

The dreams

I had a dream last night. You were laying across your bed in that ripped green dress I love and you spoke softly to me about starting over. I caressed your smooth soft cool skin as you spoke, hypnotized by the tone of your voice. You did not speak in frustration, hurt or anger but from a place of love and contentment. From a place of peace....and you drew me in. You spoke of forgiveness and that the only way to know for sure if we were meant to be together was to wipe the slate clean. That we should start from here, now and allow whatever is to truly happen to us, unfold. I moved closer to you and kissed your lips. So warm and full and inviting. I stayed there for awhile, loving you.

Then I had another dream. We were at some sort of dance video that we had been asked to participate in. ( This one was probably inspired by Glee last night.) :) We were not happy with each other. Too much pain, to much talk to much blame had clouded our love. We were just tolerating each other but we had to perform in unison for the video shot. I had to dance behind you moving a shear flowing piece of material to the music but our hearts weren't in it. It lacked energy and love. A young woman came up to you trying to help, trying to get you more involved and she did! Her energy, vibrancy, her positive attitude drew you to her and the next thing I knew, you and she were dancing together and doing such a great job, that a crowd formed around the two of you and my vision was blocked, I was blocked. I could no longer see you and I felt so far removed. I walked away, I walked home...collected my things and left.


I know that these dreams represent what could happen. The balance of positive and negative is teetering in either direction.

Last night, I was frustrated by what you said what you implied. That I didn't love all of you. Every line and flaw is a part of you. Would I like some things to change? Of course I would. As you would like some things to change with me. Am I too critical and judgemental of you? I think you may be right but I don't know how to stop it. It is not a reflection on you. I love you....I Love all of YOU! I think we are beyond talking now as we keep finding ourselves at a wall of frustration, anger and I feel defeated because we can't seem to get out of this circle and move forward. When I suggested therapy, this is what I would like us to get help with. We need someone to hear our dialogue and help us sort out this maze or the second dream could be a reality I never want to experience.

I love you baby. I would like the first dream to be our lives.

xxoo

How To Get Along – Gemini and Pisces

How To Get Along – Gemini and Pisces

The Twin and The Fish

This series on AstroCompatibility will cover all of the potential matchups in the Zodiac. We will continue this series thinking about and commenting on Gemini and Pisces. You can get an EBOOK with all 12 sun signs matched, for each sun sign, including of couse, Gemini or Pisces at the new website: http://www.astrologygetalong.com by Christofer.

Pisces is a Mutable Water Sign. Gemini is Mutable Air. Then think about the fact that both of you have this “two ness”. Pisces is a fish going in two different directions. Gemini is at least two people waking up each morning. It should give you a sense of comfort, while you whistle in the dark. Plainly, the biggest difference is that one of these abides in the stratosphere, and the other can be comfy in the deepest oceanic depths. Willingness becomes then, the key word. How much do they care for each other? Their oppositional elements can definitely go together, but they both have to be willing to get an “E Ticket” to the others’ territory. If Gemini demands selfishly to insist on not entering emotional quandaries, Neptunian insights, psychic discussions and topics about the subconscious, then maybe the Twin is not ready for the Fish. Conversely, the Fish would have to let the water stream from its gills and agree to go on an all-things-are possible trip soaring through the clouds. If the Fish is too reluctant to entertain this possibly uncomfortable aspect to the fast moving Gemini, then maybe it’s not for the best.

Piscean mystery has to do with the fact that they are both super wise, and somewhat out of it. It’s as if they are given a motion picture insight into everyone they meet, but self-understanding sometimes eludes them. Like a camera man who forgets he is a camera man and over identifies with the film, the Fish can forget. And sometimes, it’s a deep forgetfulness. There is potential beauty here though. If Gemini finds this Pisces, they can help lift, identify and classify the fishes’ soulfulness, give it a name, scrub it up and write a no nonsense story of resurrection for the one it loves.

Positive Postulate:

Framed positively, both the Fish and the Twin have to look at their harmonics. The Pisces can add humor and wisdom to an individual who can often be accused of being way too cool and easily disengaged. Gemini can lift the Fish from introspective moodiness and make it not so hard to figure.

Romance Recommendation:

Gemini and Pisces should appreciate each others’ differences. Gemini might have to patiently bring a Fish out of a “Gloomy Gus” day every once in awhile. Gemini having to slow down and care, is not such a bad thing. Pisces might have to stop moping and gear itself for the magician of communication, just to stay with the program and enjoy a partner who can spread some joy.

Conflict Quotient:

Pisces would want to avoid conflict. If they are forced into conflict, or to defend themselves, they can present a strongly felt, oceanic kind of suasion. They can get as nasty as they need to be, but what Gemini needs to watch out for is the fight that Pisces might keep waging, day after day after day, in other more quiet, but painful ways. The Twin is a debater extraordinaire, sarcasm personified. They are still always afraid that they might hurt too deeply. They often go too far and win the battle, but lose the war. This could be a very negative scenario.

Peace Parlay:

Life in the end is repetitive and mundane, and so is Romance itself. This factor asks the question: "Can we be bored together over the long term?" This is a very heartening factor. Pisces boring lazy evenings could be quite appealing to the emotionally overwrought Gemini. The tired Fish, the hassled Gemini, could be quite happy seeking out the quietude of a “boring” scene.

Keep Up The Interest Graph:

Gemini hates staleness. The Fish can be SO internal, that it lives on the inside and becomes a reluctant participant. Gemini can help with this deficit, and then actually end up benefitting from the Fish’s imagination. They can keep up the interest and also develop adaptability for each other.

Seven Year Itchiness:

There are some signs that by their nature are more stable in their love interests and family concerns, as time goes on. Others are not. A Fish can lose touch with itself sometimes, and then swim into the murky depths of a night club. It might be in the 7th year, or not. Gemini is very fluid and easily contemplates any possibility. The care that they have shown each other would be their protection.

RATING:

ASTROCOMPATIBILITY POSSIBILITY RATING: 70% Positive Long Term - 70% Short Term. Mutual attraction can definitely happen right off the bat. If these two do not implode with a lack of tolerance, patience and the miasma of emotionalism, they could be a sweet couple.

The Deconstruction of Trish and Pauline

This has to be one of the most difficult times in my life. My emotions run from compassion for what Trish is going through to impatience to anger to love, to depression and so forth. I feel like Jeckle and Hyde! I can't seem to stay in one place. I want to stay in contact with her and I don't. If you break up with some one, no matter what the reasons, you should lick your wounds and move on, right?

It doesn't help that I'm not working. What I wouldn't do for the bliss and curse of routine right now. Work fills a sense of purpose and doing. I have to much time on my hands to mope and brood over my breakup and as much as I would dread getting up at an ungodly hour in the morning or an afternoon shift, I wish for a day filled with distractions and tasks.

I miss her so much, I ache inside. I realized this morning that what I miss about her is her love. When Trish is happy, there is an aura of light about her that is contagious. That light was what first drew me to her and when it's around, it still does.
I have come to the conclusion that I have participated in the deconstruction of Trish and Pauline.

The Irony was that that light I was attracted to, I helped snuff out. Due to my own insecurities and demons, due to the circumstances of how are relationship began and due to how we individually responded to stressors, emotional challenges and our own wounded children and growth as adults all came together to create a combustible, passionate union, that was in reality destined to fail. It lasted as long as it did because despite all our dysfunctional behavior towards each other, deep in the pit of the demon, a seed of love emerged that was so powerful, it kept bringing us together, time after time after time again.

We are now in a place of limbo. Trish said it best, " She can't move back and can't move forward, she is stuck". I do understand as I feel the same way. We want the same things from each other. Love, respect and most of all balance and a comfortable peace between us. As usual we both have different views as to how to achieve these goals. :) I do smile because this is indicative of how we are together, how we process and resolve personal issues and of course argue about who is right. lol

I believe we need outside help from a therapist. An impartial observer into our lives that can help us navigate and teach us new skills to communicate and resolve our issues. I have been very lucky in my life when it comes to therapy. I totally detested the idea when I was young because my mother was a firm believer in it due to the fact she was a social worker and believed that if you cant sort it out, get help! I was young and rebellious and my mother was always using her phycobabble on me when we spoke and it infuriated me that she didn't speak to me as my mother and not some amature phycologist! Sound familiar Trish? It's funny that Trish accuses me of doing the very same thing my mother did and I have to smile at that irony. I did turn into the poster child for promoting therapy after all. Luckily, certain events unfolded in my life that steered me to seek help and to a good therapist. I was able to work through some major issues in my life at that time and move forward. As always life is a never ending series of challenges and this definitely is one of those times where I feel, we could benefit as a couple, from someone that has the expertise in these types of unresolved conflicts.


I can't speak for Trish but from what she has told me, she does not believe she would benefit from therapy. I know she has had some experience with a therapist and she has never said what had happened to turn her off of the process, just that it wasn't for her. She says things like we shouldn't be going through all this stuff as a young couple starting out and in my mind it's like, who says? There is no statute of limitations on when a person should or shouldn't go into therapy! My belief is if we love each other so much, wouldn't you do whatever needs to be done to make it healthy? To continue loving each other the way we really want to?

Or maybe the truth is so much simpler.There have been personal challenges between us and individually but Trish never got to break up with her husband and go it alone. She has never been able to sort through her feelings about herself. She doesn't know who she is...alone.

And that.....is it isn't it? So because Trish need to journey to Trish, I am secondary and I feel wounded all the time because I am not first. I lash out at her, say terrible thinks to her, try to possess her all because I have always been secondary to what she needs to do for herself. Until she is able to know and understand who she is in all this and develop a happy and balanced life for herself, we won't work.

Fuck...that sucks for me!

I guess this is where I stop as I have no end for what I have just written. We are broken up because we can't move from this place. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to move forward without her. She is my soul mate,my kindred and I can't seem to be the bigger person and let her go. So I stay here in this limbo of personal hell.I guess eventually like all things, I will move from here because it's not a healthy place to be but for now, this is where I am.

So Trish and Pauline end here? Maybe a new story will emerge? As I said, I have no end to what I have written and maybe that is the best place to be for now....

My Pathetic Moment

I just came in from a walk with Tina and while we were out a drizzle rain started and I realize, I feel like the weather. Dark, Damp depressing.
I am sinking into a place I haven't seen for awhile. I am so frustrated by what hurts me and I can't control it! The pain is deep and I have to find a way to cut that cord. How can this have happened? How can the universe be so cruel?

2 Years ago, I put a request out to the energy's of this world, to God, to the Holy Ghost and whoever, whatever would listen, to please bring a woman into my life that I could love and she would love me back. I remember that feeling that night, lying on my air mattress. I think I made that prayer a few times that first year back from Calgary but there was one night, I felt so focused on my wish.

I did meet her and it's been a roller coaster ever since. I'm not going to rehash all of this but I don't know where to go, how to feel...I just want to yell the pain in my gut out so I don't hurt anymore.

I put out there today, that I want some form of communication with her because no contact would kill me and she responded that she would like that very much as well but would have to figure out a way we could without any expectations. She wants us to be friends. Man.....that will be so hard for she is the love of my life and to see her and not touch,....would be a lesson in masochism.

I know she loves me as much as I love her but I don't know what is wrong with us??

There is so much blame thrown around by both of us, it should be an Olympic sport!

All I know and have always known, is I want to live and breath her. To kiss those lips everyday and see love in her eyes everyday and even do the normal mundane things everyday...with her.

So here is my pathetic plea to the universe,

Please help us find our way to each other. Let Trish be happy and embrace this flawed, funny, passionate woman,( ME ) and help me to accept all of her,( TRISH ) beauty, passion and flaws as well. No more drama, no more confrontations about our relationship but a beautiful relaxed flow of love between us. Am I being to vague? To romantic? Not realistic? Whatever! I hope your up there God because I'm not happy with you right now and you better be listening.

So please...I'll even get on my knees, please help us.

Thats it.
No Amen because you God...messed up my dream ..my wish...my happiness.
later

Mirrors

I said what you wanted to hear.
I do have a nasty temper and I agree that I had work to do when it came to manipulation and controlling behavior but because I recognized it,that I loved you and I had always know this was a problem, I wanted to change and I did. As I worked on this area of my life, it was wonderful how the changes affected others that I cared for and how I was not hurting as much and how happiness started to move through me but you didn't see that because the truth was, you weren't happy.

You have stayed in the past and have never moved from there. I used an amputee as a metaphor in a poem I wrote and I feel it's pretty accurate. You can't let go and it is crippling you and ending us.

I love you very much but I will not be coming back this time when you get depressed and suicidal. I am not the enemy and I am tired of you making me feel like that how I am and love you is not enough. That how I speak is not good enough.

Here is the truth. You are the dominate one. You are the alpha and there is no room for another in your life. You need to be right and on top and rarely do you look in the mirror. You hate that I call you on your stuff and hopefully you meet and fall in love with someone that doesn't challenge your dominance. The only time you relinquish control is in bed and then..... you are sweet and beautiful.

When I say things like , look at "who is calling the kettle black" it is very hard to take criticism from you when you do the same things. Who are you to tell me I am controlling and critical and judgemental?.....do look in a mirror. You are unhappy, moody and negative. You will blame me because that is what you do.It is someone else's fault and you have to be right.

I know we are the only ones in control of our own happiness and I am not responsible for taking yours. I have apologized for the past many times and have finally forgiven myself. You claim that you have moved past it but you haven't and till you do, this cycle will continue.

I am in love with you and those feelings make it very difficult to leave you. I have tried so many times to pull away from you because the woman I love,( when she is present), is full of life, happiness and love. When you question me on my happiness levels, I know it's you you are talking to, not me for I am happy and getting happier,it is you that is not happy!!. I'm not as insecure as I use to be and I feel stronger and more in power of my life. I still have a long way to go but I do see light and that is a wonderful thing. Yes...I accept I can be critical and judgemental and sometimes when I say things I don't realize the tone I am setting but I am NOT my brother.

When you compared me to my brother and family, that is a knife in my heart and you know that would hurt me because you knew I'd take that very personally. Then I thought about it and realized I am NOT my brother or my mother. When my brother speaks to his wife on a regular basis, he yells, belittles, screams profanities and basically treats her with little or no dignity or respect for her person. She is a bug to be squashed and he NEVER relinquishes control. I think if you ever sat in his house for a minute you would look at me and be ashamed of making that comparison. He doesn't see his behavior as wrong and I do.

Yes...I do. I am not him. Even though I have take responsibility for what I have said to you and others in the past out of anger and frustration, I will never be like him because I am self aware....that I am wrong ...and I am overcoming and changing. If you ever compare me to him again, I will leave you for good.

So yes...I am making the assumption that you will eventually contact me again because deep down, past the Diva and past the alpha female that always need to be right, you love me and know the truth. That I truly love you and am not trying to make you unhappy, manipulate you or control you.

Only this time, I will not be coming back to you. If you want me for real, you need to make the next move. I am done trying. I am a good and gentle person that deserves your love and respect. Forgive me and yourself Trish.

I love you

P
xxoo

Let it go

I have done the work
I have opened my eyes
and i know what I want and where I love.

Shame on you for making me second guess
for making me feel like I haven't learned by my mistakes
that the progress I have made has made me....more not less.
For hurting me again with your drama

You confuse complacency with peace and harmony
You only want more conflict

You will cry wolf one to many times
What will happen if this time it's real baby?
What if you can't bring me back to your heart?
What if I walk away and never return to you.

You hang onto the past like an amputee. You know your arm is cut off and you know
it will never come back and over time,
You still feel the pain but it's a phantom...it's in your memory
of once was, having an arm..... but you always feel the pain
and never move past....
You never let it go.

Tranquility

Thoughts of self float softly
Through shades of blue and white.
Heart beating…..
Testing the waters of new innocents.

Smiling through full lips
Drink cool waters of purity
Placing my essence within the circle of life.
My life!

Travel To Coney Island

Travel my heart
See what is waiting for you
Gingerbread men meet Godzilla on the playing field
Lusting,fighting,crying,loving….Passion for you
Tinker bell smiles at me…
Knowing all my secret places

Travel to my mind
Walk the maze of intellect and emotion
Einstein playing chess with Linda lovelace
Tiger stepping into Pooh

Travel to me
Ride the cosmic roller coaster
Watch my past go by like a carnival
Throw your head back ….
Laugh and cry as hard as you can
You have reached Coney Island.

Storm of my Heart

Winds blow through me as I push against her force.
I feel her strength, determination as her breezes swirls around, into my heart.
Every breath I take...I can hear the violent rustle of the trees around me,
creaking, swaying at her power. That sound.....
I feel a thrill run through me...anticipation, excitement....
I am awed and inspired. She is truly now..real...powerful in her simplicity.

I feel blessed that I understand on a level that transcends description, words.

I am freed of my earthly confines for a few moments.
Understanding what is true...real and it is not what I have been taught.
What has been drilled into me since I was a baby.

I get glimpses of who I could be...become...I am so close, I can taste the peace...the tranquility within. All I need to do is surrender to it and I will know what bliss is.

I have no control and her beauty and power tells me so.

My hair is pushed away from my face by her strong winds and I feel no restraints, confines that I have placed on myself....I am.....


Free.