My Pathetic Moment

I just came in from a walk with Tina and while we were out a drizzle rain started and I realize, I feel like the weather. Dark, Damp depressing.
I am sinking into a place I haven't seen for awhile. I am so frustrated by what hurts me and I can't control it! The pain is deep and I have to find a way to cut that cord. How can this have happened? How can the universe be so cruel?

2 Years ago, I put a request out to the energy's of this world, to God, to the Holy Ghost and whoever, whatever would listen, to please bring a woman into my life that I could love and she would love me back. I remember that feeling that night, lying on my air mattress. I think I made that prayer a few times that first year back from Calgary but there was one night, I felt so focused on my wish.

I did meet her and it's been a roller coaster ever since. I'm not going to rehash all of this but I don't know where to go, how to feel...I just want to yell the pain in my gut out so I don't hurt anymore.

I put out there today, that I want some form of communication with her because no contact would kill me and she responded that she would like that very much as well but would have to figure out a way we could without any expectations. She wants us to be friends. Man.....that will be so hard for she is the love of my life and to see her and not touch,....would be a lesson in masochism.

I know she loves me as much as I love her but I don't know what is wrong with us??

There is so much blame thrown around by both of us, it should be an Olympic sport!

All I know and have always known, is I want to live and breath her. To kiss those lips everyday and see love in her eyes everyday and even do the normal mundane things everyday...with her.

So here is my pathetic plea to the universe,

Please help us find our way to each other. Let Trish be happy and embrace this flawed, funny, passionate woman,( ME ) and help me to accept all of her,( TRISH ) beauty, passion and flaws as well. No more drama, no more confrontations about our relationship but a beautiful relaxed flow of love between us. Am I being to vague? To romantic? Not realistic? Whatever! I hope your up there God because I'm not happy with you right now and you better be listening.

So please...I'll even get on my knees, please help us.

Thats it.
No Amen because you God...messed up my dream ..my wish...my happiness.
later