Mirrors

I said what you wanted to hear.
I do have a nasty temper and I agree that I had work to do when it came to manipulation and controlling behavior but because I recognized it,that I loved you and I had always know this was a problem, I wanted to change and I did. As I worked on this area of my life, it was wonderful how the changes affected others that I cared for and how I was not hurting as much and how happiness started to move through me but you didn't see that because the truth was, you weren't happy.

You have stayed in the past and have never moved from there. I used an amputee as a metaphor in a poem I wrote and I feel it's pretty accurate. You can't let go and it is crippling you and ending us.

I love you very much but I will not be coming back this time when you get depressed and suicidal. I am not the enemy and I am tired of you making me feel like that how I am and love you is not enough. That how I speak is not good enough.

Here is the truth. You are the dominate one. You are the alpha and there is no room for another in your life. You need to be right and on top and rarely do you look in the mirror. You hate that I call you on your stuff and hopefully you meet and fall in love with someone that doesn't challenge your dominance. The only time you relinquish control is in bed and then..... you are sweet and beautiful.

When I say things like , look at "who is calling the kettle black" it is very hard to take criticism from you when you do the same things. Who are you to tell me I am controlling and critical and judgemental?.....do look in a mirror. You are unhappy, moody and negative. You will blame me because that is what you do.It is someone else's fault and you have to be right.

I know we are the only ones in control of our own happiness and I am not responsible for taking yours. I have apologized for the past many times and have finally forgiven myself. You claim that you have moved past it but you haven't and till you do, this cycle will continue.

I am in love with you and those feelings make it very difficult to leave you. I have tried so many times to pull away from you because the woman I love,( when she is present), is full of life, happiness and love. When you question me on my happiness levels, I know it's you you are talking to, not me for I am happy and getting happier,it is you that is not happy!!. I'm not as insecure as I use to be and I feel stronger and more in power of my life. I still have a long way to go but I do see light and that is a wonderful thing. Yes...I accept I can be critical and judgemental and sometimes when I say things I don't realize the tone I am setting but I am NOT my brother.

When you compared me to my brother and family, that is a knife in my heart and you know that would hurt me because you knew I'd take that very personally. Then I thought about it and realized I am NOT my brother or my mother. When my brother speaks to his wife on a regular basis, he yells, belittles, screams profanities and basically treats her with little or no dignity or respect for her person. She is a bug to be squashed and he NEVER relinquishes control. I think if you ever sat in his house for a minute you would look at me and be ashamed of making that comparison. He doesn't see his behavior as wrong and I do.

Yes...I do. I am not him. Even though I have take responsibility for what I have said to you and others in the past out of anger and frustration, I will never be like him because I am self aware....that I am wrong ...and I am overcoming and changing. If you ever compare me to him again, I will leave you for good.

So yes...I am making the assumption that you will eventually contact me again because deep down, past the Diva and past the alpha female that always need to be right, you love me and know the truth. That I truly love you and am not trying to make you unhappy, manipulate you or control you.

Only this time, I will not be coming back to you. If you want me for real, you need to make the next move. I am done trying. I am a good and gentle person that deserves your love and respect. Forgive me and yourself Trish.

I love you

P
xxoo