What an odd place to be in.
I am moving forward but not in a direction I thought I would. I am in love with a woman, whom I've been in a tumultous relationship for three years and it has ended. It was a rollercoaster ride that never seemed to find its roots.
I know now why and I also know that if we tried yet again, the same problems would continue.

We just see things differently and come at relationships from different perspectives.
Something Trish said to me the other day has haunted me and caused me to stop and really look at myself and my interaction with her and with other people in my life.

I am an island onto me. I am so self efficient and controlling I appear not to need anyone! The loner. Unable to freely give of myself and think of someone else first.


I've thought about that for days now. I do know that when I am in love and feel I am the center of the universe in that persons life that I will be more emotionally available than anywhere else in my life. In this relationship, I never trusted it from the beginning. As much as I wanted to put the past away and clear our slate as a couple and do a " Do Over", I never trusted. The damage was in an area of my heart and mind that not only had been damaged so badly in my youth but the wounds were revisted and reopened on an on going bases. The pain, rejection, abandoment was as real today as it was as a young child. I felt and tasted the fear and anxiety. Everytime Trish broke up with me, I revisted that cold sweat.

I also set Trish off. Putting her threw a variety of hoops to see if she was worthy of me and my love. Of course, like every other woman in my life including my mother, it was always a let down. No one was going to be able to live up to the expectations and judgements i had in place. They were destined to fail.

I created an enviroment of control and manipulation and pushed Trish down.

to be continued....

A Poem of sorrow to Trish

I have become ugly from all that has happened.
Anger fuels my words and cruelty and I speak in daggers and pain.
I wanted you. I wanted the promise of you. The dreams shared...
I only feel bitterness and anger like I have never felt before.

It has gone horribly wrong and what should have been my love of a lifetime,
is now, terrible heartache and shattered kisses.

How we have hurt each other. How we have killed off our love, The dream of Trish and Pauline will now be like many others before us...dead from disallusionment and disappointment.

We have given back the things that we put in each others homes. House keys exchanged, bitter words hang in the air and what words said in love... of passion... a great tenderness of heart and souls so intense and gentle love making will now become memories.
sorrow,regret fills the air....
The dream replaced by shame....my shame of what I allowed to happen and who I became...the worst of myself.

To inflict such pain on the person I loved, that I professed such devotion..given so much of myself and opened my heart too...all that we shared in our private moments and now....I can't share a kind word for my heart it is filled with blackness...
I am down a deep well.
There will never be enough sorries to wash away my sins. I will never hurt you, us again....my love, my Trish.

Loneliness

As she walks closer looking for the one she lost,
The pond appears clear and tepid.
Enclosed by lush trees,the sun filters
through the branches as separate beams of God...

She squats down, her reflection mirrored in the still water
sad...searching, wanting behind her eyes.
Her fingers touch the water ever so lightly and
ripples expand outward slowly...away from her.
Her tears falling from her eyes into the pond add to the rippling and a continual dance begins.

Her loneliness is paletable to her...she feels it all around
as she wraps her arms around herself.
Nothing has changed...she is alone...still.