What an odd place to be in.
I am moving forward but not in a direction I thought I would. I am in love with a woman, whom I've been in a tumultous relationship for three years and it has ended. It was a rollercoaster ride that never seemed to find its roots.
I know now why and I also know that if we tried yet again, the same problems would continue.

We just see things differently and come at relationships from different perspectives.
Something Trish said to me the other day has haunted me and caused me to stop and really look at myself and my interaction with her and with other people in my life.

I am an island onto me. I am so self efficient and controlling I appear not to need anyone! The loner. Unable to freely give of myself and think of someone else first.


I've thought about that for days now. I do know that when I am in love and feel I am the center of the universe in that persons life that I will be more emotionally available than anywhere else in my life. In this relationship, I never trusted it from the beginning. As much as I wanted to put the past away and clear our slate as a couple and do a " Do Over", I never trusted. The damage was in an area of my heart and mind that not only had been damaged so badly in my youth but the wounds were revisted and reopened on an on going bases. The pain, rejection, abandoment was as real today as it was as a young child. I felt and tasted the fear and anxiety. Everytime Trish broke up with me, I revisted that cold sweat.

I also set Trish off. Putting her threw a variety of hoops to see if she was worthy of me and my love. Of course, like every other woman in my life including my mother, it was always a let down. No one was going to be able to live up to the expectations and judgements i had in place. They were destined to fail.

I created an enviroment of control and manipulation and pushed Trish down.

to be continued....