I am sorry

I havnt written here for awhile.

 I write when you write.

 That hasnt changed....you have always been my muse.

 I an sorry I hurt you.

 I am sorry that my internal darkness, anger and dissatisfaction with life, hurt you. 

I am sorry I couldn't love you the way you wanted...the way I should have.

 I am sorry I picked on you, belittled you.....bulled you. There are no excuses.

 I saw this ugliness...this THING in my brother, my mother, father.... I don't know why we love this way. I don't know why we were so broken... I am not proud of it. It makes me ashamed. With all the therapy I've been through, I still cant seem to.... Get it right!

 No matter what you may think, no matter how I treated you, no matter what I DID'NT say, or what I should have said and done.... I did love you....deeply...with everything I had but.... I guess.... there are some traumas, there are some events, there are some memories, there are some scars that never lessen.... that define you. 

I apologize for how I treated you even when I thought my needs weren't being met, when I felt small and weak. 

I should have talked more, lashed out less.

 It's good your moving on. It's good you have someone in your life that is....kind.

 I've always aspired to that and fell short.... 

 I will still think about you now and again because you were, even in my darkest place, the woman who reached me.

 Touched my tortured heart.... kissed the damage ...never gave up... who gave so much.

 If I had one request for you.....Please write your book! Such a great writer! I've told you that from the very beginning...write....and if you have it in your heart, Please let me peak into your mind every now and again....leave coming out crooked open?

 I may not have what it takes to be what you need but to be perfectly honest, you have been my voice, my mirror... To do better....to be better... and you were what I needed even If I didn't know it.

  I am Sorry