Mutual Abuse

"Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behavior, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).

A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive".

Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behavior that can be seen as a form of emotional abuse in relationships that bites away at trust between people. It is a creation of negative energy in the ether which is clear to those involved and can create immense hurt and pain to all parties.

It happens when negative emotions and feelings build up and are then held in on a self-imposed need for either acceptance by another, dependence on others or to avoid even further arguments or conflict.

If some of this is sounding familiar don’t worry – we all do some of the above from time to time. It doesn’t make us passive aggressive necessarily nor does it mean your partner is.

Passive aggression is when the behavior is more persistent and repeats periodically, where there are ongoing patterns of negative attitudes and passive resistance in personal relationships or work situations."

By, ANDREA HARRN MA MBACP (Accred) UKRCP, UKRF, DCH



I read Trish's blog. and I reread it. and then I thought.Then I became reflective. Then I got upset, then I wasn't anymore.


I guess the above definition is in response to Trish's blog recently. I was accused publicly, of being an emotional abuser. The world in blog land now knows all about our dark abusive lives!!


There is a point when you have to truly look at yourself and the person your involved with and ask those really hard questions. The question that stands out for me, the one I think about often is...how much of it was mutual abuse??
How much of what when on between us was defensive sensitive communication and how much of it was two damaged people touching each others sore spots?

What I am trying to say is if we were not the people we were in this relationship, would there have been all this drama, angst and pain? Would I have been as angry? Would she have been as passive aggressive?

Of course not. We both brought baggage and Baggage is baggage. Abuse of any kind is abuse and we sure as hell beat the shit out of each other to the point of exhaustion. I feel like a boxer who has had the fight of his life. Sweaty,bloody,bleeding and bruised. The referee has sent us to our corners of the ring...leaning on the ropes...exhausted.

So my take on all this?....We are both guilty of emotional abuse and drama and everything else in between. In no way does what I say in this blog negate my behavior and guilt because I am nasty when angry. Always have been and I've had enough of it! So yes..I am responsible for my behavior. We have choices and always do when it comes down to how we negotiate our feelings and reactions.What really disturbs and I guess upsets me is what responsibility and steps does Trish take??Why is it everything she writes about when it comes to this relationship is one sided?


Some perspective should be in place when it comes to throwing the word "Abuse" around. In some relationships, it is truly a shared responsibility and breakdown between two people. Does she even accept that at all or is all the fault/abuse mine?


Short of her admitting we are where we are because we both didn't behave well and seeking help for her passive aggressive ways, I have to hope that someday she sees her own behavior as abusive. For her at this point in her life, making me out to be the one that failed in this relationship or should I say failed HER in this relationship, that I and ONLY I am abuser, is her reality.

So I have said my peace. Do I feel better for it? A little but in all honesty, I do wish that neither of us were here. That we weren't writing in our blogs about how badly we've treated each other over the last 4 years and 3 months and if I could make a wish and have it come true? I'd wish we had been healthy and happy together from the beginning. There is great love here still. Too bad we abused it.



Trish...when you read this, do me a favor and block me from seeing your blog any longer. It's hurtful reading your stuff and you were right to question my even having access in the first place.I don't want to feel this way anymore. This will be my last writing on this blog. I needed to say what Ive said today but I don't want to feel I have to defend myself any longer.


Thx

P

Road forward

I think I'm finally learning to let stuff go. It's different than just losing your temper and moving on. I cant control anything! I feel the loss of my relationship with Trish and hoping that something new and vibrant rises from the ashes.

I lost myself over the last 4 years and before her, I was unhappy. My self esteem needs a rejuvenation and I'm working towards happy. I know it's going to be a bit of a process and I also know it will be one step in front of the other but I feel optimistic.

Not sure yet as to what will become of Trish and Pauline but I'm not going to think to far into the future. I am just hopeful for myself and that is a refreshing outlook from how I have been feeling for awhile.

Welcome back Pauline

Today is a new day. Still don't know what is going on with my eyes and neither does my Dr. So I'll be seeing an ophthalmologist next. I am also going to be going to a sleep clinic and an eating disorder clinic and getting blood work done. Feel like I'm getting an overhaul!


I guess its about time I got some concrete answers to some of my health issues. Ive asked Trish to stay and work things out. I've had a few conversations with a therapist, my Dr. and a very close friend. All good advice and I would like to find a better way for Trish and I to communicate. We do bicker like children and push each others buttons. Never on purpose and never in malice but the truth is we both carry inner children that so want to be loved for you we are and to be very much heard. ALL the time!!

I woke her up this morning simply because I haven't been able to tell her whats going on or have a real conversation for she has made herself unavailable. I believe that some of it is due to her need to focus on school but I also believe she is avoiding.

I have so many questions to ask her and want to be close to her but I'm not sure if she is even interested. I am preparing myself for further rejection and if it happens I will truly let it go.

Hopefully, there is still hope!

The Darkness

So it seems Alice's dark hole has followed me everywhere.
I've been in denial for a long time.
For the first time I am addressing a life long battle with darkness.
It has influenced my every decision since I was probably 30. My restlessness, Loneliness, desperation, sadness and lack of interest in life has magnified to the point that I cant ignore it anymore.

I have no idea how any of this will pan out but I do know that I have to be finally truthful and honest with myself and others.

I am not brave....I am scared.

The Sweeten Pot

I love and adore you....I miss the essence of you.
You seemed to have walked away...
I am unable to fulfill your needs and the attacks are relentless...your distance...constant. You cant help yourself.

The romance and the passion you crave from me is strangled.
I am here....I am always here. I don't need to write about how I feel...you know.
I don't need your constant attention...

I do need soft words of love....your love should be ever present no matter what I am lacking
Your respect...should be in your eyes even when I don't always step up.

Your a tough task master. Maybe I deserve your sharp words and criticism. Maybe I do drive you to the brink of insanity and maybe...
I don't fulfill the one desire you crave most.

Soft words of love and desire would sweeten the pot if you only choose another root to achieve the very thing you desire most from me but maybe....
It's just too late, too much work and just to much...

My heart cry's for you.