Mutual Abuse

"Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behavior, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).

A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive".

Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behavior that can be seen as a form of emotional abuse in relationships that bites away at trust between people. It is a creation of negative energy in the ether which is clear to those involved and can create immense hurt and pain to all parties.

It happens when negative emotions and feelings build up and are then held in on a self-imposed need for either acceptance by another, dependence on others or to avoid even further arguments or conflict.

If some of this is sounding familiar don’t worry – we all do some of the above from time to time. It doesn’t make us passive aggressive necessarily nor does it mean your partner is.

Passive aggression is when the behavior is more persistent and repeats periodically, where there are ongoing patterns of negative attitudes and passive resistance in personal relationships or work situations."

By, ANDREA HARRN MA MBACP (Accred) UKRCP, UKRF, DCH



I read Trish's blog. and I reread it. and then I thought.Then I became reflective. Then I got upset, then I wasn't anymore.


I guess the above definition is in response to Trish's blog recently. I was accused publicly, of being an emotional abuser. The world in blog land now knows all about our dark abusive lives!!


There is a point when you have to truly look at yourself and the person your involved with and ask those really hard questions. The question that stands out for me, the one I think about often is...how much of it was mutual abuse??
How much of what when on between us was defensive sensitive communication and how much of it was two damaged people touching each others sore spots?

What I am trying to say is if we were not the people we were in this relationship, would there have been all this drama, angst and pain? Would I have been as angry? Would she have been as passive aggressive?

Of course not. We both brought baggage and Baggage is baggage. Abuse of any kind is abuse and we sure as hell beat the shit out of each other to the point of exhaustion. I feel like a boxer who has had the fight of his life. Sweaty,bloody,bleeding and bruised. The referee has sent us to our corners of the ring...leaning on the ropes...exhausted.

So my take on all this?....We are both guilty of emotional abuse and drama and everything else in between. In no way does what I say in this blog negate my behavior and guilt because I am nasty when angry. Always have been and I've had enough of it! So yes..I am responsible for my behavior. We have choices and always do when it comes down to how we negotiate our feelings and reactions.What really disturbs and I guess upsets me is what responsibility and steps does Trish take??Why is it everything she writes about when it comes to this relationship is one sided?


Some perspective should be in place when it comes to throwing the word "Abuse" around. In some relationships, it is truly a shared responsibility and breakdown between two people. Does she even accept that at all or is all the fault/abuse mine?


Short of her admitting we are where we are because we both didn't behave well and seeking help for her passive aggressive ways, I have to hope that someday she sees her own behavior as abusive. For her at this point in her life, making me out to be the one that failed in this relationship or should I say failed HER in this relationship, that I and ONLY I am abuser, is her reality.

So I have said my peace. Do I feel better for it? A little but in all honesty, I do wish that neither of us were here. That we weren't writing in our blogs about how badly we've treated each other over the last 4 years and 3 months and if I could make a wish and have it come true? I'd wish we had been healthy and happy together from the beginning. There is great love here still. Too bad we abused it.



Trish...when you read this, do me a favor and block me from seeing your blog any longer. It's hurtful reading your stuff and you were right to question my even having access in the first place.I don't want to feel this way anymore. This will be my last writing on this blog. I needed to say what Ive said today but I don't want to feel I have to defend myself any longer.


Thx

P