Stayed to long

I loved you so much yet,I stayed to long.
I didn't know when enough was enough,
Words of blame thrown around like Small daggers, small cuts that
eventually become open wounds and never healed.
I stayed to long..... I wanted the dream of us no matter what the consequences to
my heart, my soul, my sanity and your happiness.
You were a drug that stopped the loneliness, that made me feel whole...full.

I stayed to long, even when I knew you couldn't give me what I wanted
I was drawn to your eyes, your lips and the promise of love ever after
The love making.....was......a place of dreams and rainbows and sweet fairies...
of peace and calm.....
I lived for those times but

I stayed to long...
Those moments never had legs that could walk
in this world, the real world.
I was devastated, I am devastated by that knowledge.
Why couldn't it have been...?

I stayed to long...waiting for something to change...waiting for that connection
to become stronger maybe? Each of us wanting the other to what?
Give in, give up....give?

I stayed to long and now.....we no longer connect.
We no longer can talk to each other without pain and hurt and disappointment.
I stayed to long and now.....

the love is replaced by bitterness of a dream lost.

The Line

To be in a position where you finally realize that you do have a line that can be crossed is a bittersweet moment.I don't care about appearances or the Jones. I don't gossip and I do try to strive to be a better person.There have been amazing experiences in recent years that have taught me how to come out of myself and give to others like no other time in my life but I have also allowed myself to be used and emotionally stepped upon because I am a very giving, caring and forgiving person. I have always tried to see the best in people and the people I love, get even further slack. No matter what the manipulation, or how selfish that person is I give them the benefit of the doubt. I figure I am the queen of manipulation and guilt tactics so who am I to judge?

But there is a line. There is a point where you realize that the balance of negative energy out weights the positive. Where someone in your life is dragging you into their depression, their angst and their unhappiness. There are very few happy moments between you. That neither one of you is being heard and you do try over and over again to capture the best between you, to change the way things are, to have a voice in your destiny, to have balance of positive space and you fill up on those fleeting moments because you know, sadly, they don't stay long but you keep plugging on hoping....hoping for things to get better.

Each time something happens, a word, a phrase, a perceived slight, a selfish moment etc.... you both step away, hoping that when you get back together, something has changed for the better.That some how you can be happy together. After all, look at everything you've been through as a couple? Are we not warriors in love? Have we not battled the ghosts of the past, the present?

Then something happens that brings the full reality into your face.You get kicked in the emotional balls and your heart and your mind finally agree. It's enough. That nothing will change. That you will never have the kind of future you have been hoping for.That happiness with that person is fleeting. That it doesn't matter what she says or does, it can't be fixed this time. No words of love or anger is going to bring you back into that loving place because for whatever the reason, the line was finally crossed and there is no going back.

For now....I am alone and I think it's going to stay that way. I will find work, do my mentoring, love my friends and family the best way I can and remember if it wasn't for this relationship, I don't think I could have done this without her. She awoke in me a wonderful sleeping giant and I am so grateful for that. Now......I continue to move forward and let life lead me to wherever.I am becoming a full person again. The bitter irony, is she will not there to enjoy the fruits of all the hard work that got me here.

In Her Way

She simply can't let go of her past. I can't compete with Mike and I realize now it's never been his doing. I don't think he has ever really stood in my way except that he is still in love with Trish and will do whatever she asks of him and that has always made me feel uncomfortable but I don't blame him.She is a bright, funny sensual woman, whats not to love?
Trish just won't let go of the security that Mike offers her. She has never trusted me and our relationship and because of that, it has never rooted and I doubt it ever will.

Whom ever she involves herself with will have to accept she will never be 100% involved in a relationship with them. The pull of family is too strong because she never had one she could trust as a child until Mike...and he gives her all that she craves. How can you compete with that? She may want sex and passion from you but Mike has given her the meat and potatoes....you are just desert so why would she want to build a life with you?. It doesn't matter that you have given 2 years of your life to her. It doesnt matter that you want to create an extended family with her or that after all the shit we had put each other through, that your still here.

I have always seen a future that included a family. Not in a traditional sense but where friends and family would come over for special events. That it would be a mix of Gay, straight...whatever....people that we loved and cared about, sharing a holiday. Creating our own traditions.

Last night...she absolutely shattered my dreams. After all the work, pain and triumphs, she still puts me second. I will never have with her what I deserve and what she longs for. Her insensitivity is due to her not getting past...her past and not being able to see her future with me or someone else. She will not, can not create a life with me as long as she sees Mike as her prime caregiver and protector. I see the truth now and no matter how I wish it, it's not going to happen and unfold as it should.

It's time to take my toys and go home. I don't want or deserve this kind of pain and rejection. I want a future and if it's not with her, then with no one.If I am destined to be alone,.....so be it.