No more waiting

Now that I am free of what ifs...of hope that you will return,

I am at peace.

You were never going to come back to me in this lifetime.

Trust was broken, feelings hurt and words...words...words.

So many words, in so may ways but no true direction.

Tell me what you feel...you finally did but in so many words.

You are a turtle in everything you do.

Infuriating.

You just should have come back to me dammit!

Fuck the trust issues! Fuck our history. I told you I wanted you back... you loved me...

and yet....

you stayed away.

That is your fault not mine.

You waited too long. I can't wait anymore.

I'm not in Love

Finally I am free from the past...

Free within myself...confident...

I am not chained anymore to love...

Fucking for release.... fun...fucking from my naked self, for my freedom.


No one will make me feel guilty for wanting no attachments.

No one will have my heart for awhile...

My heart only belonged to her and now.....

It's mine again.

“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.”
― Robert Browning Hamilton
John Bauer (1882-1918) - Flora 1915

The first Date

I went on my firs date after 7 years of not being out there.

She was lovely...smart...grounded....had a great job...money and she is truly happy with herself and....she wasn't you.

went to her place on a second date and she tried to get close to me... I flinched...she knew it was a mistake.

I ran inside myself.

She reached out today and told me she knew what happened....that she knew she had moved on me too fast.

She's patient. ..caring...and she's not you.

she lives in our old neighborhood.

Shops in the places we shopped.

It was weird going to her place...it was one street over from ours.

Our memories...

She was what I wanted.

I threw it out to the universe and it granted my request and I feel nothing for her.

I only felt you.

I am poisoned.