So...I freaked out yesterday. Every fear and anxiety I had about my move in with Trish finallly came together. She must have thought I was a bit loopy as I spilled out like a baby girl. She did have a knowing smile on her face the whole time I was ranting about what if this and what if that as if she was expecting the breakdown completely!
I think Trish is a kind of horse whisperer only her skill seems to work with baby's, dogs and me! She has an abiliity to pass a type of energy on that is almost like a tranquilizer.
I have come to the conclusion that my beautiful wonderful trishy is very special, warm and soft. I don't think everyone gets to see all these great qualities but my friends have and embrace her because of that. What wonderful gifts she has and I'm all the better for being a part of her life.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
P for Passion Lost
I've lost my passion I think.
Not sure when it happened but always tired now. Constantly busy and no time for me. When I do get some time to do what I want, I am slapped on the wrists and told it seems I want to do fun things with other people and not with her.
I am always thinking about her. I include her in all aspects of my life and I'm finding that I am depleted. The cronic complaints that I don't do fun things with her wear on me.
I actually got a weekend to myself a few weeks ago. Trish went to Ottawa for a week to visit her sister. For the first time in a I dont know how long, I had a week to do what I wanted, when I wanted and whenever I wanted.
I must admit, It was wonderful! Just being by myself without being told...ANYTHING...was a freeing time. When did being me become such a burden? When did I start feeling choked?
And that is how I feel.Choked! This must be my fault because if this was happening to me, I should have put a stop to it but I didnt.
I cant blame Trish. The circumstances of living separately has created a dynamic that I've never experienced before. Whatever free time I do get, I want to spend with her because there isnt alot of us if I don't!
That same dynamic has also created a very tired and lackluster Pauline. 2 more weeks before we move in together. Finally, 4 years later it's happening. I want more time just for me. For what I want to do.
Don't get me wrong...I love my Trishy with all my heart. The times we have spent together especial the good, feed my soul but the constant trying to balance my life and our life has taken its toll and I am so very hopeful that is coming to an end.
I want to find my passion again. I need it to be happy. I need to find me again.
Not sure when it happened but always tired now. Constantly busy and no time for me. When I do get some time to do what I want, I am slapped on the wrists and told it seems I want to do fun things with other people and not with her.
I am always thinking about her. I include her in all aspects of my life and I'm finding that I am depleted. The cronic complaints that I don't do fun things with her wear on me.
I actually got a weekend to myself a few weeks ago. Trish went to Ottawa for a week to visit her sister. For the first time in a I dont know how long, I had a week to do what I wanted, when I wanted and whenever I wanted.
I must admit, It was wonderful! Just being by myself without being told...ANYTHING...was a freeing time. When did being me become such a burden? When did I start feeling choked?
And that is how I feel.Choked! This must be my fault because if this was happening to me, I should have put a stop to it but I didnt.
I cant blame Trish. The circumstances of living separately has created a dynamic that I've never experienced before. Whatever free time I do get, I want to spend with her because there isnt alot of us if I don't!
That same dynamic has also created a very tired and lackluster Pauline. 2 more weeks before we move in together. Finally, 4 years later it's happening. I want more time just for me. For what I want to do.
Don't get me wrong...I love my Trishy with all my heart. The times we have spent together especial the good, feed my soul but the constant trying to balance my life and our life has taken its toll and I am so very hopeful that is coming to an end.
I want to find my passion again. I need it to be happy. I need to find me again.
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