Mutual Abuse

"Passive aggressive behavior takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behavior, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall. It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).

A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive".

Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behavior that can be seen as a form of emotional abuse in relationships that bites away at trust between people. It is a creation of negative energy in the ether which is clear to those involved and can create immense hurt and pain to all parties.

It happens when negative emotions and feelings build up and are then held in on a self-imposed need for either acceptance by another, dependence on others or to avoid even further arguments or conflict.

If some of this is sounding familiar don’t worry – we all do some of the above from time to time. It doesn’t make us passive aggressive necessarily nor does it mean your partner is.

Passive aggression is when the behavior is more persistent and repeats periodically, where there are ongoing patterns of negative attitudes and passive resistance in personal relationships or work situations."

By, ANDREA HARRN MA MBACP (Accred) UKRCP, UKRF, DCH



I read Trish's blog. and I reread it. and then I thought.Then I became reflective. Then I got upset, then I wasn't anymore.


I guess the above definition is in response to Trish's blog recently. I was accused publicly, of being an emotional abuser. The world in blog land now knows all about our dark abusive lives!!


There is a point when you have to truly look at yourself and the person your involved with and ask those really hard questions. The question that stands out for me, the one I think about often is...how much of it was mutual abuse??
How much of what when on between us was defensive sensitive communication and how much of it was two damaged people touching each others sore spots?

What I am trying to say is if we were not the people we were in this relationship, would there have been all this drama, angst and pain? Would I have been as angry? Would she have been as passive aggressive?

Of course not. We both brought baggage and Baggage is baggage. Abuse of any kind is abuse and we sure as hell beat the shit out of each other to the point of exhaustion. I feel like a boxer who has had the fight of his life. Sweaty,bloody,bleeding and bruised. The referee has sent us to our corners of the ring...leaning on the ropes...exhausted.

So my take on all this?....We are both guilty of emotional abuse and drama and everything else in between. In no way does what I say in this blog negate my behavior and guilt because I am nasty when angry. Always have been and I've had enough of it! So yes..I am responsible for my behavior. We have choices and always do when it comes down to how we negotiate our feelings and reactions.What really disturbs and I guess upsets me is what responsibility and steps does Trish take??Why is it everything she writes about when it comes to this relationship is one sided?


Some perspective should be in place when it comes to throwing the word "Abuse" around. In some relationships, it is truly a shared responsibility and breakdown between two people. Does she even accept that at all or is all the fault/abuse mine?


Short of her admitting we are where we are because we both didn't behave well and seeking help for her passive aggressive ways, I have to hope that someday she sees her own behavior as abusive. For her at this point in her life, making me out to be the one that failed in this relationship or should I say failed HER in this relationship, that I and ONLY I am abuser, is her reality.

So I have said my peace. Do I feel better for it? A little but in all honesty, I do wish that neither of us were here. That we weren't writing in our blogs about how badly we've treated each other over the last 4 years and 3 months and if I could make a wish and have it come true? I'd wish we had been healthy and happy together from the beginning. There is great love here still. Too bad we abused it.



Trish...when you read this, do me a favor and block me from seeing your blog any longer. It's hurtful reading your stuff and you were right to question my even having access in the first place.I don't want to feel this way anymore. This will be my last writing on this blog. I needed to say what Ive said today but I don't want to feel I have to defend myself any longer.


Thx

P

Road forward

I think I'm finally learning to let stuff go. It's different than just losing your temper and moving on. I cant control anything! I feel the loss of my relationship with Trish and hoping that something new and vibrant rises from the ashes.

I lost myself over the last 4 years and before her, I was unhappy. My self esteem needs a rejuvenation and I'm working towards happy. I know it's going to be a bit of a process and I also know it will be one step in front of the other but I feel optimistic.

Not sure yet as to what will become of Trish and Pauline but I'm not going to think to far into the future. I am just hopeful for myself and that is a refreshing outlook from how I have been feeling for awhile.

Welcome back Pauline

Today is a new day. Still don't know what is going on with my eyes and neither does my Dr. So I'll be seeing an ophthalmologist next. I am also going to be going to a sleep clinic and an eating disorder clinic and getting blood work done. Feel like I'm getting an overhaul!


I guess its about time I got some concrete answers to some of my health issues. Ive asked Trish to stay and work things out. I've had a few conversations with a therapist, my Dr. and a very close friend. All good advice and I would like to find a better way for Trish and I to communicate. We do bicker like children and push each others buttons. Never on purpose and never in malice but the truth is we both carry inner children that so want to be loved for you we are and to be very much heard. ALL the time!!

I woke her up this morning simply because I haven't been able to tell her whats going on or have a real conversation for she has made herself unavailable. I believe that some of it is due to her need to focus on school but I also believe she is avoiding.

I have so many questions to ask her and want to be close to her but I'm not sure if she is even interested. I am preparing myself for further rejection and if it happens I will truly let it go.

Hopefully, there is still hope!

The Darkness

So it seems Alice's dark hole has followed me everywhere.
I've been in denial for a long time.
For the first time I am addressing a life long battle with darkness.
It has influenced my every decision since I was probably 30. My restlessness, Loneliness, desperation, sadness and lack of interest in life has magnified to the point that I cant ignore it anymore.

I have no idea how any of this will pan out but I do know that I have to be finally truthful and honest with myself and others.

I am not brave....I am scared.

The Sweeten Pot

I love and adore you....I miss the essence of you.
You seemed to have walked away...
I am unable to fulfill your needs and the attacks are relentless...your distance...constant. You cant help yourself.

The romance and the passion you crave from me is strangled.
I am here....I am always here. I don't need to write about how I feel...you know.
I don't need your constant attention...

I do need soft words of love....your love should be ever present no matter what I am lacking
Your respect...should be in your eyes even when I don't always step up.

Your a tough task master. Maybe I deserve your sharp words and criticism. Maybe I do drive you to the brink of insanity and maybe...
I don't fulfill the one desire you crave most.

Soft words of love and desire would sweeten the pot if you only choose another root to achieve the very thing you desire most from me but maybe....
It's just too late, too much work and just to much...

My heart cry's for you.

Is The Party Over

When Trish and I decided to finally make it official and move in together, I did look at it as a new beginning. A chance for us to open some doors up that were closed, to heal some wounds and put away insecurities and needs not being met and honestly this last half of the sentence was very important to me.
As a Boi, I wanted to have more lovemaking on the table ( not literally...well maybe...) I was hoping that she would create more romance etc...that we would be more together.
I am an Idealist. I do live in my head and at times, that's a very big problem and that dream feel flat.

I had no illusions that we wouldn't argue and fight, all couples do but sadly the same problems are coming up as before but now...there's no where to hide...no where to breath and come back and resolve it or to just let it go.

Maybe she has been right all along. There is no fixing us.

My emotions of frustration and yes..unhappiness are affecting me so profoundly that I am out of control when it comes to my health. She must be feeling the same anger and frustration and a sense of not knowing where to go from here. Hence, she is pulling away even further than before. She doesn't look at me, doesn't want or need my touch...just doesn't. My continual weight gain is affecting our sex life and most likely her physical attraction to me. A big part of us and our "togetherness" has been our sexual energy. It is what has brought us together time and time again but now....that is showing signs of weakness and fragility. Without that bond what do we have left?

Ironically, we are starting to have a little cash around the house and instead of enjoying it and getting out, we buy groceries and sit at home on the weekends. That wouldn't be so bad if we were still dancing in the kitchen and enjoying each others company but we aren't.
She is a creature dictated by her moods. When she is unhappy and dissatisfied there is no oasis in our home. It is tense and feels like a war zone. What I say or do is wrong. End of story. She cringes when I approach her to be affectionate. What does that do to me? EVERYTHING!

I just eat my unhappiness. As I haven't been on top of my needs for the last decade. adding an emotionally charged and unhappy love life is just fuel to an ever growing problem for me and I continue to eat myself to death. Is it a separate issue?

That is a whole other topic of conversation and probably another year of therapy.


This is what I do know. I am still in love with Trish and we are not happy together.

Fuck

The Lie

Is it all lies? How can someone continual want to breakup with you and in the same breath, want to be with you? I've seen you put on that face for others when you are unhappy and sad. You put on that mask that says I'm okay...and your not going to see the turmoil I'm in. Do you do that with me as well? Am I just another obligation, another lie....another Mike.

Why,...why cant you just be happy knowing that you are loved and cherished? I flourish love on you like a blanket. Instead of feeling warm and safe, you feel caged and controlled. I am your biggest supporter no matter what you take on. I might question your motives and need to understand why but I will always be there. At times I feel like I am your enemy. The tension is always around even when I turn a blind eye to it.

Did you ever truly love me like I do you? You have written so many poems, texts and story's about me and most of them are about how I don't treat you the way you would like, how I have hurt you and how cheated you have felt. The only place I make you happy is when we make love. Is that true? Is that all you see in me? Do you only dwell on my failings? What I don't bring to the table?


Do you not know how I want to make love to you all the time? I want to take you places but even then....there is a barrier. It's my fault, I know that I scarred you...that you are not open anymore to new experiences. You just lie there with no passion or expectations. I wish ..I wish I hadn't made that horrible mistake oh so long ago.


Maybe the lie is that I am lying to myself. That all the wishing and optimism is just my way of hanging on. Hoping that you will just love me and be happy.
I don't know anymore.

Plastecine

It gets more and more difficult to get close to her. There is an intimacy wall that she puts up out of frustration and anger due to our conflicting personality traits. There is nothing I can do about that. I tread on egg shells as it is. Sleeping together is a chore for her. I snore...I want to cuddle...I don't give her enough space. Even when we are awake....I want it up, she wants it down. She wants to sleep in and I want to be up and about. I want to spend my weekends outside she wants to be inside. If its black its white. You get the drift.

We are frustrated with each other to the point that having sex has become a mind field. There is so much difficulty reaching that place where we actually agree on something!! Who wants to have sex when the art of making love has become frought with conflict and it is now. I'm tired of trying to unruffle her feathers. It seems I am always irritating her, hurting her and just planely ( it feels like this) never doing it to her satisfaction. Crazily, she feels exactly the same way! How do you change this??


Sigh....I guess.....I will do what I want to do to make myself happy and she will do the same. If those things come together that' great! If not....time will tell, won't it.

Stop

I have been trying all day to figure out how to speak how I'm feeling with some kind of clarity. Some kind of inner understanding as to what I am feeling and what is coming out of me with out placing blame and being objective about what I want to say.

I have acted terribly. My challenge...difficulty... is understanding why someone like Trish wants to be with someone like me! What I mean is, is I am the type of person that is impatient, controlling and have a certain vision in my head due to my experiences in life as most of us do, which is defined by my past relationships, wants and desires that dictate to me to some extent expectations for my life.

Never in my widest dreams did I think I would end up in a place with someone yet again, where the cohesion that we both desire and crave has failed.

I haven't learned yet how to just be and let others be. I am not in a defeatist place but a place of reflection. Trying very hard to understand why the universe won't allow a certain amount of peace in my life. I know that choices have to be made for me to be happy.

Are my experiences and her's so dramatically opposite? What would happen if I just leave everything alone? I mean....don't push, don't pull...don't struggle..just breath.

Maybe it's an experiment I should take on.

Ice Cream

I was texting a friend this morning who was envious of us because she missed living with a partner. I spoke of the challenges Trish and I faced and how we were oil and water but ice cream in the middle. My friend laughed and liked the reference.

That metaphor is perfect to describe how we are with each other and how we interact.
Sometimes its like nails scratching down a chalkboard and at other times it is pure silk brushing against your skin.

I accept this dynamic. It is what it is. What worries me, is that now that we live together, I believe she believes domestic life will kill our passion and our romance. I agree that for over a month ( the move took precedence)and there hasn't been much of either. What romance and passion that has transpired, I initiated.

I think, if I cant change her mind about domestic life just being an extension of our love for each other and not a death trap...it will be the end of us. Why is it up to me? To be honest....she does not take the lead very often when it comes to romance. Part of that is my fault due to some major fumbles in the past but mostly, she is not an outy...she is an inny. Everything for Trish is internal. All emotion, every thought is written and not exposed to the outside world. Its what makes her an amazing writer. She even texts when shes angry and upset instead of confronting the issue. She is who she is and I love her but these challenges do cause frustration and many times I feel like I'm on the outside of her...unable to reach that soft ice cream of her heart.

I do have to find a way though. I will not lose her to some idea she has in her head about what domestic life is. It should be a place of balance and love and of course passion.

The Horse whisperer

So...I freaked out yesterday. Every fear and anxiety I had about my move in with Trish finallly came together. She must have thought I was a bit loopy as I spilled out like a baby girl. She did have a knowing smile on her face the whole time I was ranting about what if this and what if that as if she was expecting the breakdown completely!

I think Trish is a kind of horse whisperer only her skill seems to work with baby's, dogs and me! She has an abiliity to pass a type of energy on that is almost like a tranquilizer.

I have come to the conclusion that my beautiful wonderful trishy is very special, warm and soft. I don't think everyone gets to see all these great qualities but my friends have and embrace her because of that. What wonderful gifts she has and I'm all the better for being a part of her life.

P for Passion Lost

I've lost my passion I think.
Not sure when it happened but always tired now. Constantly busy and no time for me. When I do get some time to do what I want, I am slapped on the wrists and told it seems I want to do fun things with other people and not with her.

I am always thinking about her. I include her in all aspects of my life and I'm finding that I am depleted. The cronic complaints that I don't do fun things with her wear on me.

I actually got a weekend to myself a few weeks ago. Trish went to Ottawa for a week to visit her sister. For the first time in a I dont know how long, I had a week to do what I wanted, when I wanted and whenever I wanted.

I must admit, It was wonderful! Just being by myself without being told...ANYTHING...was a freeing time. When did being me become such a burden? When did I start feeling choked?

And that is how I feel.Choked! This must be my fault because if this was happening to me, I should have put a stop to it but I didnt.

I cant blame Trish. The circumstances of living separately has created a dynamic that I've never experienced before. Whatever free time I do get, I want to spend with her because there isnt alot of us if I don't!

That same dynamic has also created a very tired and lackluster Pauline. 2 more weeks before we move in together. Finally, 4 years later it's happening. I want more time just for me. For what I want to do.

Don't get me wrong...I love my Trishy with all my heart. The times we have spent together especial the good, feed my soul but the constant trying to balance my life and our life has taken its toll and I am so very hopeful that is coming to an end.

I want to find my passion again. I need it to be happy. I need to find me again.

Reality...S

I still see the beautiful young girl when you smile
and find peace when I sit close to you and hold your hand.

We are developing a stronger bond but at times the reality of the outside world is just to much...to complicated and shatters my dreams of you and I.

I want barbwire fences put up to keep them out, I want the ideal in my head to be the true reality.

No more dealings with past loves, past relationships and old history. I want new stories...new events.... like kissing a newborns bottom for the first time or the first sunrise you witness.

Is that possible now at this point in life? Is there always going to be wounds, history and baggage?

I know the answer even as I ask the question. I do wish though...

Fear and Love

Fears float around me, through me.
How can I trust a universe so fickle.
I understand that I have to take it on faith and put fear and anxiety aside to live.

I feel so deeply and hurt so hard.
If I settle into a nice cozy cocoon and allow love to warm me to envelope me...
experience has taught me, rugs do get pulled out from under you.

No one is forever, no one really tells the truth..
You say you love me till something better, newer comes along?

but....

You are always here, no matter what I throw at you...
You have always seen me...seen through my fears and doubts...
I am amazed at your fortitude...stubborness?
Your strength of love...yes....you love me...despite my anxiety...difficulty


What is it you see...that brings you back everytime?
Only you can reach into me...
you change me a littel more...and more...fearing less...trusting as my love deepens, settles.


I stand on a staircase and step on each rung one slow step at a time.
because of you....
There will always be a nagging voice saying ya...but when you get too comfortable, she will leave you.

Maybe...but what if she doesnt?

What if she really really wants you? What if there is happy in love?

When all is said and done and I question to death, love, trust, fear...you are always in front of me..
loving me, your eyes see me and express how deeply you feel for me.

You are the one and that I do trust.

Water on Glass

Your kisses are like water on glass
I fall into you..like Alice down the rabbit hole.
you take me away from here as my hands caress your skin and your dancing eyes watch my every move.
Wet....my lips touch yours...like water on glass...

Breathe you in deeply, listen to your sighs as my fingers reach in

wet....

the heat...

I feel your heart pound, your lips thicken...wet..water on glass


I found you again...it has always been you....

water...slippery smooth water....warm, gentle

in my ears,the rush ...my heart pounds for you


Only You.

Insecure

Everybody feels a little insecure sometime.

Everybody battles the fear inside

of failing,of not being loved

of the pain of the past.

I guess your suppose to learn something about yourself and find your inner strength but
I feel so weak sometimes and unsure.


A few words here and there could make all the difference but you cant write the script
for the ones you love.

You cant tell them what to say to make the demons go away.

That feeling I get in the pit of my stomach when I get scared or when my fearful emotions

are not feed..... my anxiety, my unhappiness is a starvation of my soul, my damaged heart.

I have to find a way to leave myself and breathe it away.



ya...breathe it away.

Ode to P

My time is spent between what I want and what I need. Daydreams of love and what I desire are conflicted with reality and need. My dreams are filled with soft lips and smooth skin but my heart oh my weary heart.... tired and beaten by months and years of expectations, perfection and control. I am tired of my quest for perfection. It is time to allow life to be flawed, uncontrolled and needs, not expectations to be met. Long walks on the beach....slow kisses that go on forever...conversations of life, laughter and intimate desires should come to the front and breathed in very deeply. Always breath...say I love you everyday in my mirror...tell my little girl she is beautiful. She is.

The beginning.

The fog is lifting. warms winds stir my soul.
Sweet taste of life on my lips.
I smell sweetness again.

There is so much more than this...take a deep breathe
and let it out slowly...extasy

The mirror is me..I am listening again.

I remember her, that sweet child that was buried under hell

The mess she has spent a lifetime digging through, sorting through...fighting through.

I am told it is time for forgiveness, love and happiness.

A new journey has begun.

Planning and containment

I have given it my all.
Thickness around my heart...didnt plan for this!
Trying to keep it together and contain myself.

I'm walking through my life and not seeing clearly
whats around.
Everything is foggy.

Push forward....forget..ya...that's what I'll do.
It's not my fault she says.

Then why has this happened?

Move forward...plan, contain, don't think too much.
Don't feel....live in a bubble. I do that well!
So many questions, so few answers, i am falling away.

Will it be such a messy life..always?