Is The Party Over

When Trish and I decided to finally make it official and move in together, I did look at it as a new beginning. A chance for us to open some doors up that were closed, to heal some wounds and put away insecurities and needs not being met and honestly this last half of the sentence was very important to me.
As a Boi, I wanted to have more lovemaking on the table ( not literally...well maybe...) I was hoping that she would create more romance etc...that we would be more together.
I am an Idealist. I do live in my head and at times, that's a very big problem and that dream feel flat.

I had no illusions that we wouldn't argue and fight, all couples do but sadly the same problems are coming up as before but now...there's no where to hide...no where to breath and come back and resolve it or to just let it go.

Maybe she has been right all along. There is no fixing us.

My emotions of frustration and yes..unhappiness are affecting me so profoundly that I am out of control when it comes to my health. She must be feeling the same anger and frustration and a sense of not knowing where to go from here. Hence, she is pulling away even further than before. She doesn't look at me, doesn't want or need my touch...just doesn't. My continual weight gain is affecting our sex life and most likely her physical attraction to me. A big part of us and our "togetherness" has been our sexual energy. It is what has brought us together time and time again but now....that is showing signs of weakness and fragility. Without that bond what do we have left?

Ironically, we are starting to have a little cash around the house and instead of enjoying it and getting out, we buy groceries and sit at home on the weekends. That wouldn't be so bad if we were still dancing in the kitchen and enjoying each others company but we aren't.
She is a creature dictated by her moods. When she is unhappy and dissatisfied there is no oasis in our home. It is tense and feels like a war zone. What I say or do is wrong. End of story. She cringes when I approach her to be affectionate. What does that do to me? EVERYTHING!

I just eat my unhappiness. As I haven't been on top of my needs for the last decade. adding an emotionally charged and unhappy love life is just fuel to an ever growing problem for me and I continue to eat myself to death. Is it a separate issue?

That is a whole other topic of conversation and probably another year of therapy.


This is what I do know. I am still in love with Trish and we are not happy together.

Fuck