Dear Trish

Maybe I did have intimacy issues and was unhappy inside and maybe I was restless and unsure and maybe I just didn't know how to love you the way you wanted, needed and deserved but....
Isn't that what life is all about? Rooting out your weakness...exposing yourself to see the truth?

Did it matter that I loved you so much that I did put my needs aside to the point of misery? That hearing your voice looking into your eyes, talking with you was what really mattered to me. That I wanted you so close to me that it hurt to let you go?
That I wanted to make love to you, to the point of mad lust?

You seemed to be always saying good bye to me right from the start. That set the tone of our 5 years together....I felt rejected. My past played out again.
My heart hurt to be open...to trust love such as ours. I wanted that tenderness, I wanted you inside my intensity, in how I felt for you.
Were you always afraid of me? Of how I was?

It was a dichotomy. At the same time that I wanted you, I pushed you away out of reflex, out of history out of woundedness.

I wanted the ability to draw you in and not hurt or reject you.
I wanted to say I won your heart and then not throw it away because I was afraid to fail, that I Pauline Levesque, was worthy of this love.
I wanted to be able to accept another human being as they are without the smoke and mirrors of my dreamy mind that
dictated an unearthly reality.

I loved your smell., your sex...your essence. I loved how you were home to me. Restlessness and an unsettled nature took you away from me and now....
I am alone in my lose of someone that did truly love me and I loved in return.

I am sorry

Most of the time I'm happy.

I am glued to my goals and find solace in my own company.

When I am feeling most grounded, you enter my thoughts and I feel that familiar ache.

I want you so bad, I can taste, feel, smell you to distraction.

I want to yell out," Can't we forget the past? Cant you just come back to me...to Venezuela...to Paris?

It could be different...couldn't it?

I miss your sex..your eyes that pierce my soul....your touch.
Do you remember the laughter, the fucking in the kitchen..the making love to Mechelle.

Did I romanticize you, did I make you up in my head...were you ever mine?

Was it all a dream....an attempt at true love that slipped through my fingers.

I miss even the crazy just because that would mean we would still be together.

So many beautiful moments destroyed by needs and wants.

I loved you so much.

I just wanted to say this to myself.

It’s amazing how the transition and weight loss of my body has affected me both physically and mentally.
When I first started this program, I have to admit the first 3 weeks were hell. Everything from the sugar and carb withdrawals, to my food budget doubling, eating very differently and my Sundays being taken over as a prep day.
After almost 3 months of being on this diet, I’ve become accustomed to this eating lifestyle. I still get massive cravings especially with the changing weather to cold but instead of reaching for potatoes and gravy, I reach for mashed cauliflower and kale chips and because I’m not addicted to sugar any more, I am satisfied. I also notice that my knees don’t hurt as much, my sinuses are better and my energy is fantastic!
I have a birthday to go to this weekend and I’m not worried about eating at a restaurant anymore as I know what to do and how to eat but the real surprise last night, was I fit in clothes I haven’t been able to fit in for years and that I can wear to this event.
I know my friends and family are very proud of me and I love you them all for their support but finally, I can say I’m proud of me and that…well…that’s just fuck‎ing‬ fabulous!

Remember

Sometimes its unbearable...
I awake and its palatable,
Your lips on my lips,
Your eyes seek out my eyes,
I

remember every curve, every crevice, every scar,
I soak in your scent, your touch,
I lick your pussy and remember your taste,

Its unimaginable that you are not lying next to me...
sucking my nipples and fucking me...
Then I open my eyes and you are gone and that emptiness returns.

Sexual Obsession

Nipples on my tongue,
sweat drips slowly...
eyes that search every inch of you,
soft places only i can find,

mesmerized by your lips as you speak..sigh..breath
obsessed with your scent as you cum,
legs spread, fluid moves freely..heart beat pounds..
my hands find your pulse.

move with me as I fuck you slowly...
our sweat slides me so easily inside you
rhythmic dance between lovers

look at me when I fuck you!
Feel me in your soul...
ache for what I can do to you...
anticipate.......release.