Is The Party Over

When Trish and I decided to finally make it official and move in together, I did look at it as a new beginning. A chance for us to open some doors up that were closed, to heal some wounds and put away insecurities and needs not being met and honestly this last half of the sentence was very important to me.
As a Boi, I wanted to have more lovemaking on the table ( not literally...well maybe...) I was hoping that she would create more romance etc...that we would be more together.
I am an Idealist. I do live in my head and at times, that's a very big problem and that dream feel flat.

I had no illusions that we wouldn't argue and fight, all couples do but sadly the same problems are coming up as before but now...there's no where to hide...no where to breath and come back and resolve it or to just let it go.

Maybe she has been right all along. There is no fixing us.

My emotions of frustration and yes..unhappiness are affecting me so profoundly that I am out of control when it comes to my health. She must be feeling the same anger and frustration and a sense of not knowing where to go from here. Hence, she is pulling away even further than before. She doesn't look at me, doesn't want or need my touch...just doesn't. My continual weight gain is affecting our sex life and most likely her physical attraction to me. A big part of us and our "togetherness" has been our sexual energy. It is what has brought us together time and time again but now....that is showing signs of weakness and fragility. Without that bond what do we have left?

Ironically, we are starting to have a little cash around the house and instead of enjoying it and getting out, we buy groceries and sit at home on the weekends. That wouldn't be so bad if we were still dancing in the kitchen and enjoying each others company but we aren't.
She is a creature dictated by her moods. When she is unhappy and dissatisfied there is no oasis in our home. It is tense and feels like a war zone. What I say or do is wrong. End of story. She cringes when I approach her to be affectionate. What does that do to me? EVERYTHING!

I just eat my unhappiness. As I haven't been on top of my needs for the last decade. adding an emotionally charged and unhappy love life is just fuel to an ever growing problem for me and I continue to eat myself to death. Is it a separate issue?

That is a whole other topic of conversation and probably another year of therapy.


This is what I do know. I am still in love with Trish and we are not happy together.

Fuck

The Lie

Is it all lies? How can someone continual want to breakup with you and in the same breath, want to be with you? I've seen you put on that face for others when you are unhappy and sad. You put on that mask that says I'm okay...and your not going to see the turmoil I'm in. Do you do that with me as well? Am I just another obligation, another lie....another Mike.

Why,...why cant you just be happy knowing that you are loved and cherished? I flourish love on you like a blanket. Instead of feeling warm and safe, you feel caged and controlled. I am your biggest supporter no matter what you take on. I might question your motives and need to understand why but I will always be there. At times I feel like I am your enemy. The tension is always around even when I turn a blind eye to it.

Did you ever truly love me like I do you? You have written so many poems, texts and story's about me and most of them are about how I don't treat you the way you would like, how I have hurt you and how cheated you have felt. The only place I make you happy is when we make love. Is that true? Is that all you see in me? Do you only dwell on my failings? What I don't bring to the table?


Do you not know how I want to make love to you all the time? I want to take you places but even then....there is a barrier. It's my fault, I know that I scarred you...that you are not open anymore to new experiences. You just lie there with no passion or expectations. I wish ..I wish I hadn't made that horrible mistake oh so long ago.


Maybe the lie is that I am lying to myself. That all the wishing and optimism is just my way of hanging on. Hoping that you will just love me and be happy.
I don't know anymore.