I miss

There are times I miss you and then I remember the drama....
I see pictures pop up on Facebook of you and I and I remember the happy times
but they were infrequent and I had to be careful of what I said so I didn't burst the bubble.
I do miss you but I miss more of what could have been
I know I'm not easy...God I know!.... but neither were you.
I have been down a rabbit hole since I left you.
But I've always been there, it's just gotten deeper.
I don't know where I went?

I've stopped being me.
I was asked recently if I had any hobbies and realized, I've dropped them one by one over time.

I miss me....where did I go?
It isn't just about lack of money...
Not being able to have the relationships I want...
I was told recently that I don't think I'm worthy and this is why I am not fulfilled
I've been told this before and it is a truth but I've done nothing about it.

What is wrong with me that I don't want more for myself?
I've seen so many counsellors over the years and I hear what they sell but my fear keeps me
cemented where I am.
Was I always this way?
Drugs and alcohol masked it for years.
I miss my moments of happiness....
I miss my need for adventure...
I miss my friends and connections
I miss life.