Every Single Day

Exhaustion flows through me,
perpetually tired...annoyed...
I feel my mother inside me...oozing
unhappiness...
I try so hard to pull out of the depth of it.
everyday its a struggle to live..
Lack of interest...lack of energy...

Being pulled down by an invisible cord and every single day
I pull up just enough...to see over the edge
Every single day that demon, that ugly putrid blackness entices me.

Stay here in the black...stay here with us and let us swallow you up whole.
Melt into the bleak, swim in the ocean of monsters and grey skies.
Why try anymore? Isn't it better with us? No more worry or doubt.
No more struggle.......
No more broken hearts and dreams.

Let go, it would be so much easier.

And.................Every Single day I find a reason not too.

58

Today is my birthday.

No fanfare....no one to share it with.

As I get older my circle of people has changed.

Today will be spent doing errands and maybe a matinee film.

I'm not sure if it is me that has chosen this life of solitude more out of disillusionment with the

human race in general or:

That I don't want to be disappointed anymore.
That I don't want my heart to be broken anymore
or that people just don't see me as a priority in their lives because I don't make them mine?

Or its just to much work and I don't care about the work.

Everyone is busy. Everyone has no time. What happen too time?

When did friendships become about not enough time?

It's to costly or I have other priorities and I can't just drop them to spend time with you.

or now you are reaching out because its your birthday!

Yes....I'm not good at maintaining. It doesn't mean I don't love my extended family.

It's the exact opposite but....I guess I'm not good at the reaching out part but when my Friends want to see me,

I usually make the time unless it's just to unreasonable or not doable at that time.

I will never be the maintainer. I need my friends to reach out...I need their contact.

I just do things....differently and I love them all deeply.

So as another year clicks into place and my 58th year on this planet unfolds, I wonder about my life,

my changing needs, desires and fulfillment's. Should I say I need them more? Maybe I just simply don't ask for what I need

and that...has to change as well.

weight of Depression

When was the last time I saw beauty around me?
When I wasn't so punishing to myself...or shut off from the world?

I fear I am my mothers daughter.
I wallow in fear and have lost my sense of adventure.

It's brutal trying to motivate myself to engage with the world.
It's one small step at a time...


Cramped inside this mortal shell,
dark and warm and safe...
I keep the world out....my friends at a distance...
always discussing, negotiating in my head, day after day....what I will do next.
Tomorrow will be a better day....tomorrow...I will wipe the slate clean...
Tomorrow I start over from scratch...all good intentions ...
Be kinder to myself...don't stuff food in those empty places...find my happy..
and every day I feel I have failed....every day...is just as hard as the last.

I sometimes wonder how much longer will I continue this?

When will I finally say its enough!?

Hamster in a wheel....every day I say tomorrow is a new day...I can create the change I seek.

Everyday....I fail.

No one sees this daily struggle. Would anyone truly miss me if I choose to leave?

Would I have left an impression on this world...on the people around me?

Did I make any fucking difference?