The Black Dog

It is nipping at my heals.
Images of my death in various ways play out in front of my eyes.
One scenario is from pills and my lifeless body lying in bed for a few days before anyone comes to investigate.
Would I be missed?
All I ever talk about these days is what I am not, what I don't have and so self absorbed, I cant hear anyone elses life.
Would I be missed?

Maybe everyone would be relieved.
Friends and family at my funeral speaking in hushed whispers. "She never seemed really happy". "Always in the background, always looking for the worse". So much self pity.

"Hopefully she has finally found peace."

Is there peace in death? Maybe it's a lie. Maybe as a good catholic girl, I do believe suicide brings your mortal soul to purgatory and maybe my purgatory is to live this life over again!? Replaying all my anguish, shame and pain.

Maybe that belief stops me from finally following the black dog to hell. My heart pain is so close to the edge that I can see the abyss. I feel no hope, no happiness. A broken heart, a broken soul is what the black dog salivates over.
Just waiting from the sidelines, patiently waiting

for me to truly give up.

Will I be missed?

I don't know

A love note

“I don’t pretend to dance in the rain

For in my heart water flows

I am and forever more

A broken glass

A fragile wisp of once was

I can’t remember a time

When the scent of you

Wasn’t in the very air

That I breathe”


I saw this on your blog and I decided I want it. I forget the beauty of my writting most of the time.

Thanks for reminding me.

I have forgotten

I forget sometimes I use to be in love.

I forget sometimes that you use to love me.

You slept with someone else and fell out of love with me.

Heartbroken doesn't even cover how that makes me feel.

It doesn't matter anymore my reasons for leaving you because all you feel and see

is I did.

I know how that is. I've spent a lifetime abandoning myself.

I miss everything about you. It drives me mad.

I want to write beautiful poetry again about your lips, your breasts, your voice....

your cunt...

I cant anymore...

My life as I know it is unravelling and maybe that is what is suppose to happen.

I need to shed this box I'm in...peel back the controller, the critic...and see who's really in here.

I'm afraid.

I've forgotten who I use to be, who I wanted to be. I'm afraid to find out.I'm scared of everything and don't think I

have the courage.


Poetry is no good if you can't live your dreams. Love is not a gift if you don't know how to receive it.

I'm full of cliches.

I want you back. I've never wanted something so much as you. You do fulfill me. I was scared of that too. I admit I'm

a coward but please don't hold that against me.

I never meant to be one. I was very brave once but it got beat out of me. That is my excuse. Not a good one but a real

one.

Come back to me and read me one of your stories. Come back to me and share your heart. Come back to me as I feel I am

too weak to go on without you.


or...just come back to me that no matter what I have done, you know in your soul, I am the one. I am Venezuela...I am

the one you want in your bed. No matter how many woman you sleep with...I am her.



I've said to much...shared too much...want to much...but after it's all said and done, it always comes back to you.


I have forgotten my love for you.

2014

Its a new day. Life must move forward or I die.

My heart is broken still but I will mend and with that mending, a place of joy will emerge.

This will be my new and inspiring truth.

The critic must move over.

Making arrangements to finally get my passport and this next year, I will travel somewhere.

I promise myself that.

Familiar

I touched her skin and she let me.
Mapping her small flaws and imperfections with my finger tips..
She asked if I came back because she was familiar
and I breathed in her scent... my tongue gently tasted her,

Oh yes...I loved her familiarity.

The weight is tough. I feel like most days that I am carrying a second person around and I get exhausted by it.
I am trying to get out more, walk more and get to the gym at least 3 times a week and I'm finally cutting back on pop and junk food.

Some days are good days and some days are really bad.Last night I went to a bowling event through the meet up groups. Had a good time, a few beers and when I got dropped off, went looking for junk food. Lucky for me, the one place I looked wasn't open and I was lazy and cold to check around but that pull felt like I was a smoker again.

I woke up this morning thinking, than God I didn't eat Doritos at 11 O'clock last night or I would have felt like shit today. Maybe this stuff should be banned.Or at least extremely over priced. I know my reason for cutting back on pop is cost. A case of 12 cans use to be not so long ago, $2.99. Now I'm seeing prices at $6 bucks! I just cant bring myself to pay it!

So my will power has a cost! Funny in a dark way.

War Weary Lovers

When I look at the picture that I used for creating this blog I remember. The nipple clamps, the hand holding her in the middle of the chest and I remember why I chose it. The significance of sexual submission spoke to me. You were mine and I could do with you as a will when we made love. Complete trust.

The war between us has been on going for so long, I forgot the power we had. Strong, passionate and yes loving when I would allow it. The scars of life eventually chipped away at that love, that power. I brought to it intimacy and insecurity issues and you brought your inability to stand up to me and retain yourself because you wanted to please me so much and keep the peace which created moods and shutdowns. The war was ever so evident right from the beginning but we were so in love and both optimistic that we could get past these things...

We couldn't.Unhappiness was the result. Disappointment a constant. Lacklustre lovemaking was a result, animosity, mistrust and anger were a result.

We felt we lost our love for each other. That thing that binds, was lost.

When I finally left, I spent the next few months trying to sort myself out. Trying to find happy and joy. Maybe I did idealize us. So what? I am an idealist. Its part of who I am. I wanted to love you from that place and I did!

Real life caused me great havoc and distress and unhappiness. All I ever wanted to do was pack us up, move out of the city and live a life of happy and love with you. Its always been about you.

And that is what I do know. It's always been about you even when I sabotaged things between us.

As I worked with my counsellor, the realization that my critic controlled my life to the point that I didn't have one was a revelation.

Here I was alone again cause that critic dictated to me.

Through a strange and painful array of events, we have found that spark between us again. Both questioning it, mistrusting it and wondering what to do with it. Maybe it never left. Just hidden from the war. I'd like to think you can never really destroy true love. It just takes a hiatus from all the turmoil and pain and comes out again when we have learned to truly embrace it. You really cant destroy love. It's a gift. You either accept it or you don't.

I'd like to think that is true.

I hate you

She texted me. She texted me and said she's sorry for how I feel but took no responsibility for lying to me. For falling out of love with me....for fucking up my holiday. No remorse really. Just felt bad that I was hurting. Sweet of her don't you think? I don't know why I'm so surprised or why she still hurts me so badly.

At first my heart jumped at seeing my phone light up and I knew it was her!
I could see the long text from a distance as my phone was charging and I almost ran to it in my excitement. My first thought was, " She's texting to tell me its all been a mistake. That I still love you..that I want you between my legs again and then...

Fuck...she's commenting on my pain from my blog. Telling me how sorry she is that I feel the way I do. She peeked into my hell and made a commentary about it. She says I don't know her heart.I don't. I thought I did but I don't know this woman anymore. Shes been all over my memories the last couple of days. Everywhere I go I feel her. Fucking hate this. I hate her.

Going to get a drink. Then have another. Maybe another...

I was out shopping today like I usually do on a pay day and I ended up at Pape and Danforth. It took everything in me to not look for her or to go to apartment and scream at her. "Look what you've done to me!?" I miss you so badly it hurts all the time. I want you in my bed....I want Venezuela back!! I want your mouth on mine and your cunt in my face. I want your laughter in my ear and your soft voice to sooth my soul. I want your hands on me and your eyes staring at me the way you do with such intensity that I always had to ask what your thinking.I want to hear you talk about you! There is so much more I want and I want and I want.

Ironically...I think the day will come when we do pass each other on the street and say hi in passing as I wrote so long ago.

I had hoped that writing all this down would be cathartic but as I was writing, you texted me. Then everything changed.Then it became pain and anger. Then wanting, then love. I hate you. I was trying so hard to change things between us. To bring the magic back, the love and you turned around and said..."I don't think It's there for me anymore". Absolute devastation. The way you did it was humiliating. Your way of payback I guess. You have always been a vindictive woman. You might want to look at that one day. I never did anything out of spit. Just immaturity and insecurity.
If you decide to continue reading my blog, the truth is, I have always loved you. I feel in love with you on our first date and I still feel you as if it was the first day.


I guess that's enough vomiting for one night.I sure as hell hope I get over you soon. Fuck!

So it was a lie. A manipulation to see if that "thing" was still between us. It wasn't to connect and have great sex it was a rouse a test for her. She had ulterior motives to wanting to get together. The end result? It feel flat for her. That thing between us was gone and she didn't want to see me again.

I screamed inside and out. The last fucking humiliation in a long line of humiliations. Oil and water doesn't even describe what happened between us. All I know, feel now? Surprisingly...relief that its finally done.

Ya...crazy realization.

A New Year is upon me. With that comes a clean slate for another shot at happiness. For self fulfilment. I am a young soul. The challenges with that is repeating the same mistakes. That being young at heart keeps me curious and vibrate but also immature and prone to terrible insecurities and making the wrong choices when it comes to my heart.

A few things I definitely have to let go off.
Control- A tool that protected me from pain but also shut me off from living healthily
Intimacy- Stop running from it
Self defeat- The critic in my head needs to leave or at least be quieter!
THE PAST- What a waste of time that is!

These aren't resolutions as much as goals for the year.


Things I need to know about Love?

Stop trying so hard. Enjoy myself and love will flow. Simple statement but so difficult to navigate.
It begins with acceptance
Again...let go of shit! A waste of my time.
Enjoy life and that someone will show up when I least expect it.

Goals- That don't necessarily have to be followed through like a grocery list. Just let things flow. My new motto.