So it was a lie. A manipulation to see if that "thing" was still between us. It wasn't to connect and have great sex it was a rouse a test for her. She had ulterior motives to wanting to get together. The end result? It feel flat for her. That thing between us was gone and she didn't want to see me again.

I screamed inside and out. The last fucking humiliation in a long line of humiliations. Oil and water doesn't even describe what happened between us. All I know, feel now? Surprisingly...relief that its finally done.

Ya...crazy realization.

A New Year is upon me. With that comes a clean slate for another shot at happiness. For self fulfilment. I am a young soul. The challenges with that is repeating the same mistakes. That being young at heart keeps me curious and vibrate but also immature and prone to terrible insecurities and making the wrong choices when it comes to my heart.

A few things I definitely have to let go off.
Control- A tool that protected me from pain but also shut me off from living healthily
Intimacy- Stop running from it
Self defeat- The critic in my head needs to leave or at least be quieter!
THE PAST- What a waste of time that is!

These aren't resolutions as much as goals for the year.


Things I need to know about Love?

Stop trying so hard. Enjoy myself and love will flow. Simple statement but so difficult to navigate.
It begins with acceptance
Again...let go of shit! A waste of my time.
Enjoy life and that someone will show up when I least expect it.

Goals- That don't necessarily have to be followed through like a grocery list. Just let things flow. My new motto.