Thoughts

I am trying to sort out my thoughts. We told each other we are not ready to be in a relationship as of yet. To much to sort out personally. As I was walking around today a terrible thought came into my mind and I don't want to talk to her about it because I really don't want to know...yet.

If Trish is still in love with me and I truly believe she is, is she still having sex with Kate? And what do I do with that? If you are in love with someone, should you not be intimate with them even if at the moment you both need your space? Wrapping my mind around Trish having sex with another woman is bad enough as I truly feel like a violation of the heart and spirit has occurred but for her to continue fucking her and being fucked by her after such an open genuine omission of love, seems wrong to me. It's just not a healthy place to start.Are Trish and I so different when it comes to how we perceive what should be done to create strength between us or is it simply as Trish put it, I am braver than her? Or that again, she is with someone safe who doesn't push her out of her safe zone?

She has asked me on numerous occasions, what is it that I want from her? I have answered that question with evasion and most of the time with confusion as I have never truly known what I wanted in any aspect of my life.
I want loyalty, love and respect from myself and from her and to achieve that is a struggle.I so want her to be brave and embrace me. I miss her just loving me and only me. If that is selfish then it's the right kind of selfish for me. I deserve her love and she deserves mine. I was NEVER worthy of love and never selfish enough to deserve love.
I deserve love. I deserve respect and a safe place to express it. Her fucking someone else is not safe or healthy for me.I do want to work on a friendship but the reality is that by being in love with each other, adds a dynamic to the relationship that will be a pretty large challenge. I don't need to cramp her style or space and I don't want to pressure her into anything but I do need her loyalty. Now that I have that all sorted out, I will have to talk to her now. Dam! :)

Forward

Its been over a week. No communication. Not sure how I'm feeling about it.
Maybe one part relief, one part sadness and one part confusion.
I am finally moving forward. Not stuck anymore but still think about Trish every single day.
I think it will take me a long time to see someone else without seeing her first in my mind.
I do feel less anguish and pain but miss her so much.
Socializing again and enjoying it. Feeling calmer and a little bit happier and...
still missing her.
I know that eventually, my loss of her will lessen and it has already.
Going out next weekend to a theatre production for my birthday. I know I will have a great time but...
I will miss her.

So one foot in front of the other. Moving forward into the unknown. Submitting papers for a new passport next Friday.
Have to decide where I want to go and have already started saving for it. Truly feeling excited about the possibilities!

Sent a text to her last night. Had had a little to much to drink and then regretted it. I wasn't sure if I really wanted contact...what would I say? I was able to delete it. Old habits die hard. Stepped over a line with her and myself last week. Don't want that to happen again so I'm glad I was able to pull back.

Moving forward...

How can you not know?

Do you not know how you feel about me?
In your gut and in your heart?

When you anticipate seeing me, talking with me,look into my eyes,
do you not catch your breath a little and your pulse race?

Do you not have imaginings of me whispering in your ear, " Tell me "
My hands sweeping over you and touching your very essence?

How can you not know that your blood pulsates with life when my fingers
enter you, when my cock fucks you.

Do you wish to deny yourself the very thing you crave?

Maybe it's just too much. Maybe safe is better, quieter, surer.

But ...

I want you.

My blood boils for you. I am intense in my love for you. There is nothing less.

This scares you. I am unpredictable at times volatile but when we stare into each others eyes,

there is such love, passion and I am home. You are my oasis, my grounding.

How can you not know?

The Twilight Zone

I seemed to have stood still.
I still see her eyes, her naked body over me...sucking my nipples... fucking me
I am still trapped by her scent, her voice...my cock between her legs and she...

It was only yesterday that we kissed so passionately, knowingly...
we were so in love...

she has moved on...

I wait here for her as if she is just moments away.
I can't let her go. I'm trapped by my memories
stuck in hopes and dreams...what if's...plans...

she is busy, distracted engaged with another...

fucking her as we are no more than a wisp of time...
her memories of us are in the recesses of what once was,
I am just her past now...it's safer..

she is fucking another woman...

I am caught in The Twilight Zone..
I see her being fucked..my imagination plays tricks on me
I believe...I see her naked with someone else..the heartache is unbearable.
My mind warps time,
I am so weak..

Was it only yesterday that she was mine?

I am driving myself mad.