Thoughts

I am trying to sort out my thoughts. We told each other we are not ready to be in a relationship as of yet. To much to sort out personally. As I was walking around today a terrible thought came into my mind and I don't want to talk to her about it because I really don't want to know...yet.

If Trish is still in love with me and I truly believe she is, is she still having sex with Kate? And what do I do with that? If you are in love with someone, should you not be intimate with them even if at the moment you both need your space? Wrapping my mind around Trish having sex with another woman is bad enough as I truly feel like a violation of the heart and spirit has occurred but for her to continue fucking her and being fucked by her after such an open genuine omission of love, seems wrong to me. It's just not a healthy place to start.Are Trish and I so different when it comes to how we perceive what should be done to create strength between us or is it simply as Trish put it, I am braver than her? Or that again, she is with someone safe who doesn't push her out of her safe zone?

She has asked me on numerous occasions, what is it that I want from her? I have answered that question with evasion and most of the time with confusion as I have never truly known what I wanted in any aspect of my life.
I want loyalty, love and respect from myself and from her and to achieve that is a struggle.I so want her to be brave and embrace me. I miss her just loving me and only me. If that is selfish then it's the right kind of selfish for me. I deserve her love and she deserves mine. I was NEVER worthy of love and never selfish enough to deserve love.
I deserve love. I deserve respect and a safe place to express it. Her fucking someone else is not safe or healthy for me.I do want to work on a friendship but the reality is that by being in love with each other, adds a dynamic to the relationship that will be a pretty large challenge. I don't need to cramp her style or space and I don't want to pressure her into anything but I do need her loyalty. Now that I have that all sorted out, I will have to talk to her now. Dam! :)