No expectations

So,,, Trish emails me this:
*The sharpness of the truth has made the realist step up and usurped the romantic. So now, all I want is to have sex with you cuz I miss your kisses and I miss you fucking me and I miss hearing you groan when I make you cum. Simple. It's primal, it's unemotional. It's just sex. I finally get it. I'm okay with that now. Are you? Or do you see having sex with me a baby step towards getting back together? I just want you to be clear on what I'm offering so there will be no unmet expectations. I have none. And I don't want you to either. If we could just enjoy each other physically that would be awesome. Just sayin ;)*

I've been thinking about it and as much as a part of me is going,"Hell Ya!" Theirs another part of me going, "but what about the romance?"

If its just come over and fuck me sex, I'm not sure that will work between us. What connected us sexually was the emotion, the passion and yes romance. What if that is taken out of the equation and all that is left is the carnal lust? Will it all just fall flat?

A friend of mine said recently if I let go of expectations I will rarely be disappointed and I do understand the truth behind those words but does it relate to making love? I do have an expectation based on my sexual history with Trish and after the email was sent to me, texts followed that were almost business like in the setting up of time and day, what to bring and food etc...doesn't this take away from the spontaneity of the moment?

I guess I'll find out Sunday and if it all goes to hell in a hand basket, so be it! No expectations, therefor no disappointment. Right?

A work in progress....

Over the years I have slowly extracted myself from living. I will never know when it started to fall away. Maybe a series of events and social venues I cancelled or my level of judgment about others became more pronounced around me or I just got lazy.
Maybe my unhappiness with myself was a virus.Slowly over time grew and infiltrated my very essence of self and extracted every ounce of joy from my life. As that virus consumed my cells, my life, I began to eat and never stopped. Weight gain was armour from unhappiness and fulfillment. Weight gain made me lethargic and I began to give up little by little. Weight gain allowed my immaturity to defeat the adult. IT WAS JUST TO MUCH WORK! because....I'm not worth it.

That misery...strangely...is a comfortable friend. Unhappiness is a virus that infiltrates your joy.it's slow and patient you never realize what has happened to you until your sitting at home on a Friday Night, eating a bag of chips and watching your life become minutes of insignificant moments. Moments that you will never get back. Moments of non essential seconds of an insignificant life. How depressing is that?! If it was someone else's life, I would have no pity. I'd be saying, "GET UP you miserable pathetic excuses for a human being!" No compassion or Love for another person suffering.I'd think to myself, so pathetic...not worth paying attention too as its their own doing.


Cruel and cold, no support whats so ever and that.....
is what I say to myself everyday.



Now what?

Threads

I love you as hard as I fight you.
Strong, passionate woman with eyes of deep earth and mysterious depths
Warmth, strength, secretive waters.
I smell your sex and taste your cum.
aaah....

My hands try to touch you but only go through you.
Frustrated by the lack of same mindedness..
We don't share the same sensibilities...
I want you close to me and far away from me....
I am always overwhelmed by my feelings for you.
Be mine...all mine....breath you in...live...you...want you...
love me....love me....
go away


Fear...
such a small word with large consequences.

Can you fight years of conditioning??


I sometimes just like watching you when your eyes are closed and you are peaceful
The little girl you once were...on your face.

When you open your eyes, I see the seductress you are...sucking me in then
spitting me out....

I feel like your puppet...you cant control me! I fight back...

I would die for you...lie for you...cry for you.

succulent lips...so tasteable...bit-able...every part of you ...

I fear you...love you...love you...

I am and always will be yours , held by your finger tips...emotionally clinging by a thread....

Turmoil

I'm a mess.
Not sure if starting meditation again and ramping up my exercise routine is stirring my emotions but I am definitely a little out of control.
I have no idea how to explain how I feel.
One minute I'm happy and on course and the next feeling outside everyone,myself and oh so sensitive.
Words from Trish triggered me yet again. Felt rejected by a friend. Fear and anxiety motivated me to anger and meanness.
I know those qualities are apart of me. I also know that I'm not the only one in the world that grapples with their dark side but lately....
I feel like Hyde is taking over.

The more I meditate the more I'm feeling at war. Maybe that is what is going on.
Fear of becoming peaceful and happy? That's just insane!

For the life of me, I don't know why Trish stays. I am in constant contradiction and turmoil.
A friend of mine suggested that maybe I am going through a metamorphosis. Stripping away at who and what I have been.
and becoming....what?


Don't know ...all I know is I feel crazy and I'm definitely all over the place.


On top of everything...all I want to do is fuck!! I need to be close...to touch...to feel ...to smell to taste your sex.

My primal needs are bubbling to the surface to the point of madness. Extremely aggressive and consuming.

So yes...I'm losing my mind.

Jesus!

Finally

So the finally decision has been made. June 1st is our move out date and there is no indecision. I feel the resolve from both of us and a sense of relief. The hurt, pain regret will probably come later once we have moved away from each other but we both know that no matter what, its the right decision. Too much history, disappointment and just plain enough...I need a life. Not sure at this point what that means but it has to better than this misery and stress we are both feeling.My unhappiness has made me even fatter. I need to get control of myself...my life. No more excuses. Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping to get through the next couple of months with as little angst and discomfort as possible.Neither one of us ever intend to hurt the other but it happens and often.

I know now that all my optimism, all my love and all my passion was never going to change anything. I'm not going to over think or over feel this. I feel pretty resolved at the moment and I know Trish is feeling the same way. We tried really hard to make it work. For once, there will be no more blame for why...its pointless. We loved each other. We fought for that love and hopefully, we can salvage something but first, we need to move away from each other for awhile.

Simple

There are words that are said/written that for lack of a clearer definition, are delivered with such cruel intent that I have to ask myself, what have we done to each other to be at this point in time?

"You're not that complicated. Your needs and wants are fairly basic and simple. Like you." I am not normally a super defensive person. It's truly not in my nature but due to the heightened state of disintegration of my relationship with Trish, Such words carry sooo much weight that they cut...they hurt and they were meant to because I'm not delivering the goods.

I am not stepping up to the plate and I am not the lover she wants or requires and I guess that statement works both ways. I am tired and have been for awhile. From the very beginning of this relationship there was a tug of war. Not only were needs not being met but our individual visions of what we wanted from life and relationships has been on such different levels and different realities that no amount of perseverance has been able to bring us to a place of cohesion and peace .

I am a lesbian. What that means to me is so varied and layered. Complicated, emotional and as dramatic as it may be, that is who I am. I am also damaged. I admit that. Who isn't though? What I am trying to get at is maybe Trish and I should never had taken this journey together? We were/are so different in those base, fundamental needs and requirements to create a happy life together.

Trish has been right about one thing in particular and I will admit it now. I was trying to create her. I was trying to mold her into what I believed was the ideal Lesbian. That I didn't appreciate who she was and what her essence brought to the table, would be a lie. I loved her for who she was but I wanted to help her find her voice and mix who she was with what I wanted.

Was that my place my responsibility? No...I should have allowed her to find her own way but my insecurities and my history as a lesbian woman had no patience for her journey. I was not prepared for the long process of Trish's coming out. I wanted it all together in a nice neat package.When I first made love to a woman,I found my voice and my home but for Trish, it was a long complicated process and it was made more complicated, anxiety ridden and painful because I made it that way.I should have never been her first! I should have been her next.Trish should have flowered, found herself and her place as a lesbian. All I cared about is that I loved her and wanted her in my bed. I wanted what I wanted at all costs. I didn't think logically or about her needs. I didn't listen to my warning bells or to her. I threw caution to the wind and only followed my heart and now?




Now...we are here. In this place of pain, hurt, anger and resentment. We don't truly speak to each other. Its been a very long time since we trusted each other and after so many battles, words of pain and anger, I am the selfish, self absorbed bully and she is the manipulative, cruel bitch. Underlining all of this is deep hostility and it will not end well.


I wrote a while back (that seems like an eternity now)about how we had broken up and not seen each other in years and by chance, ran into each other at a street corner. We exchanged pleasantries and I was thinking how strange it was that the person I shared all of myself with, made love to in so many ways that I lived with and breathed in everyday was now standing with me on a street corner exchanging niceties with me and that dream was just a sweet memory and nothing more. You could see the sadness of what was and what could have been in our eyes for only a second, that neither one of us actually recognized it. Maybe later in the day, maybe over dinner with our new partners or just hanging with friends, the memories might flood back with such clarity that your breath gets stuck and then.....its gone. Just like that. Maybe.


I've droned on for awhile now, trying to be as honest as I can with myself. Right now all Trish sees is unhappiness with me and all I see is unhappiness with her.

We once loved each other even through all the storms....that's over now and that, is how simple it is.

The Price of my temper

I have a temper. A pretty mean one actually. In the past I've been known to throw things, slapped a lover for cheating on me....once, said things that are abusive and scared the hell out of many woman in my life. I grew up with this behavior as part of my "normal" upbringing.

I'm a great person that doesn't believe they are a great person. I pick woman that push my buttons and I let them. I have very little self confidence and very little respect for myself. If I was much surer and less damaged, I do believe I would receive what I need and should have. The disrespect and bulling I seem to entice is nothing that I haven't put out there myself. As the Buddhists saying goes, you get what you put out into this universe and that mantra is my emotional life.

I am now in a place where I could make some choices of bravery. I am a coward when it comes to what I need. There's two kinds of selfish behavior in my opinion. There's the kind that rarely gives out to others unless they get something back in return and then there is the more damaging....selfish to ones self. Selfish to the point that you wont give to your heart what it truly needs because your scared and a coward. Selfish to live a life unfulfilled because its safe. So you stay unhappy in your relationships and with the world around you. I am selfish to myself for not living a better life.

The price for temper? Is the same price for an unhappy life. People who love you, stop trusting you. They are cruel in return and keep you at a distance as you are toxic for them.

What I want, I am not getting. I chose a road most traveled over the right one. I always make that choice.

So ...what can I do for myself? What changes can I make that wont scare the shit out of me but allow me some small bits of happiness?

Trish doesn't like it when I ask questions but for me, my fear demands answers. My demons require it.


There is a price for everything you don't allow yourself to be.

Selfish

For so long I've been accused of being selfish. My needs come first, that I am self centred and its all about me. I've heard this all before and know the reteric soooo well. I grew up with it.

When I think about it though, am I truly selfish or easily manipulated?? I have had money taken (stolen) and never returned, I have given up my happiness to fullfill someone elses and have taken care of the people I love.

My weakness and irony? I am a manipulator of love. All I want in return is your undying love, loyalty and a feeling of safety. I will kanive, manipulate and use all the drama in my arsenol to get it. Another question....why do I have to do this?? Simple....I'm picking woman that don't give it freely. I am a Freudian child. Edipus complex personified!! Picking my mother over and over again. Still wanting, craving a love that I will never get. I am not being feed by myself or by the person I am involved with.


Guess I answered my own questions.

Weird

Does she still love me, does she want to leave me for good? There seems to be a misery about her since I came home from house sitting. A tension... I feel so uncomfortable and stressed as it seems that no matter what I say or do...it's off. I'm acting weird as well. Talking about my physical ailments as if it's conversation. Trivial stuff, nattering to fill the gaps of uncomfortable silences and my body hurts and I'm starting to hide in my room for comfort and trying to obtain some sort of safety...is this part of the mental place I'm in?

Trying to find things to say as my voice goes up higher. I'm weird-ed. I asked her last night if she still wanted to move out in April. Got kind of a stare, then a I'm not sure, then "I don't want to talk about it. "

We are suppose to have a "play" night Saturday but her discomfort with me, may postpone it. Who wants to be intimate and playful, when things are so weird??

Almost every time she's around me or has to interact with me, there's very little eye contact or real desire to just be with me. A cat in a cage is not a happy cat!

I'm not sure what to do as shes not speaking to me about any of it. so I guess I'll give her space and see what happens. On the Levesque front, Trish is right that I have to get a handle on the junk food. Only had a kitkat bar last night and that satiated my junk food craving. Gotta stay focused. Trish did help in making me aware last night as I wanted to reach for chips out of reflex but because she's not happy right now...well... I just wish it came from a less critical place.

Sigh...life is not so good right now.

A time to write

I don't sleep anymore. Its elusive. I remember me. I remember a time when I was fit, happy, cocky and had a swagger to my life.
Somewhere between 1997 and now, I turned into ....whom?
I think I am going to start writing about who I was and who I want to be now. I feel like I've been in transition for a very long time.
I feel like I've been unhappy for a very long time and....
I feel like its time to find me again. Come out of this darkness of change.
My inability to sleep through the night may end up being a blessing for a short while. Its quiet in the apartment I share with my love. Its 4:30 am.
No one is stirring. Peace to write my thoughts.

Its time to get ready for work now...I have opened a dialogue with myself and as the insomnia lasts, I ill be writing as I think they are connected.
A time to write....