The Lesbian Shuffle 101

So....she admits she's in a relationship.

Even though she said she only communicated with her by text for a few months before it moved further, it was a few months while she was with me.

Her needs weren't being met and she found someone to replace me.



Then....when we were officially broken up...around New years...they had sex.
Must have been good as she kept going back.




And now?
We messed around. Realized we still had that "Thing" for each other but she's in a relationship and it cant go any further as this woman meets her needs. Safe and passionless but nether the less, away from passion and upheaval and true love.


I doubt we will ever revisit us. Once the lesbian shuffle begins, there is no going back.

Feeling sad and disillusioned.

For You

So many things going through my head right now. Replay... replay of last night in my mind.
If nothing else, I got too taste your lips again...feel her heat for me and touch your heart.

There were no promises of being reunited from her....she is safe where she is.
I'm not safe.... I hold her heart...her sex......her passion...our story..
her underbelly is exposed when she is with me as mine is with her.
This has been the way its been from the very beginning.
Nothing has changed between us.

I'm healthier now but is it too late for us?
Will she run from me?
I don't blame her....our history is a tumultuous one.
but...she is mine and I am hers.
My heart has always been promised to her.

I have a powerful gift that she has always wanted.
I am finally able to offer myself to her.
I feel whole...alive

I licked her nipples and pushed into her wet cunt....
really...isn't this what I live and breath for with this wonderful creature?

The knowledge that the universe was kind enough to let me have your heart even for the briefest of moments brings a smile to my face. I thank you for that no matter what happens.

The Ache

I dreamed about you last night.
The touch of your hand....the closeness we shared...
it was an intimate dream of once was.
I reached out to you yesterday because of it.
Wishing oh so much that you were at the other end...wanting me..wishing for me.

I live the cliche...
there is a hole in my heart where you once resided.
Even now..I hope for you.

Life moves ever forward...I have friends...I have a life..
my heart has stopped because of you. Like a snapshot..
It doesn't move backward or forward..just still.

My thoughts are always pulled to you at some point of my day.
I like to think you must have been thinking of me recently..
as I feel you oh so close.

That need for you is an ever present ache.

How will I go on.

Ode to my Love

I remember your beautiful deep eyes of mystery and depth,
your sultry sweet voice whispering in my ears,
It will be hard to kiss anothers lips as yours brought me to Ecstasy time after time.
I know there will be comparisons... even though my mind says its over,
my heart does not.

I remember your smell, your taste, your heart...
I smile when I think about those special moments that were Trish and Pauline.
They were our secrets...
Venezuela....
Michelle....
Pauline land....
Imeem...

Its hard to let go of your presence in my heart...my mind...

I still feel you with me as if you never left...strange that....

sigh.........I loved you.....I love you........there is nothing else

Changes

So...how am I doing? I am actually okay!Its far better than miserable and even though I cant say I'm happy as of yet, Okay is a very positive place for me. I am truly single now. After my last interaction with Trish, I've realized that it is an end and I am ready for a new beginning.

I am and forever will have great memories of her. Even though there was plenty of heartache and pain, most of the experience was my choice. I chose to stick it out because I did love her and to be very honest, didn't want to fail at another relationship. In saying that, I have come to the realization that it is time to move on and alter my destiny.

I need to have a good time! Been a very long while. Secondly...believe that I am worthy and loved and thirdly, find someone who truly suits me. I am not saying anything negative about Trish but the relationship didn't need to be so difficult and painful but because as individuals,we communicated our hearts differently, that we were not grounded in ourselves and unable to find a common ground of peace, played a role in our eventual separation.

When Trish said she just couldn't be there for me, that she wanted her freedom and in truth didn't trust me anymore. Not only did I understand but I truly let it go. No more anxiety, pain and doubt. I felt relief for the first time because I knew it wasnt meant to be. Finally I understood what the universe has in store for me and it wasn't this.

If I want true love I have to find it within me. Then....find someone that is connected to me not only through passion but through all that brings you to your real love that mirrors your love, then....I will be where I should be.

In the meantime, keep working towards love and compassion. I do still love you Trish but its over and its time to say goodbye to the past. xxoo

More thoughts and questions...

Self worth is a place I'm not familiar with. I have been so use to not getting my needs met it feels relatively normal until the anxiety steps in. It's much easier to focus elsewhere than on grounding myself.

I was in Chapters last week and was flipping through an astrology book. Of course I looked at the Pisces/Gemini relationship to see if anyone had written anything new and interesting. I read many times that this union wasn't a match for a variety of reasons but not something that truly made sense to me. I mean people have many challenges in a relationship but you would think with that much love between us it would be a breeze and it has not been. We have dissected it over the years trying to find the answers and then... I read something that made so much sense to me, I was surprised I didn't figure it out myself!

I was watching Bladze and Deb last night interact. I had come upstairs to watch a movie with Deb as she had opted out of going to a party that they were invited too but Bladze was still going. It was so easy for them to accept each other. I asked them. I asked them what makes it easy for them to be so grounded and sure and peaceful with each other? I think I surprised them with the question. lol but Bladze in all her glory quickly answered that loving each other meant trusting each other and accepting the differences. They spend lots of quality time together and that keeps the relationship grounded.

Grounded. Then I put it together. What I had read in that Astrology book had said that the reason that the Pisces/Gemini union didn't work was neither sign was grounded. Both signs needed to be with someone with a strong sense of self and was grounded in this world.

It made perfect sense but then a big question came up for me. What the hell was the universe thinking when it put Trish and I together? Why such a painful,passionate filled, emotional challenging union?? Was it suppose to teach us about something?? If we are too weak together what was the point? Choices? Why? Far too many unanswered questions for me.

Now...we have another shot at it. Of course I want to rush in and she wants to turtle.Neither of us have changed that much. We are who we are. Maybe a little wiser about ourselves but I still want her all the time and she is still running away from ...everything! lol

I think I am so much braver than her when it comes to jumping in but when I do, then what? Most of the time I don't know what to do when I have it! and Trish? Thinks it through constantly, steps slowly as if everything in life is a minefield and even then her decisions of the heart are one foot in, one foot out.


Despite our eccentricities and fears, despite our dysfunctions, depressions,lack of grounding and every other crazy behaviour that makes us uniquely us, we constantly crave each other. Want to be in bed with each other, want to be together always. Crazy shit!

I need to find in myself that place where I can ground me. Where fear isn't a daily routine pushed by my insecurities and abandonment issues. It is a choice. I found out through a conversation with Bladze that she and I were very much alike when It came to not being committed to any relationship. She decided that she didn't want to be alone anymore and made a choice to change her behaviour and then she bravely let Deb know her feelings for her. It was that simple and that hard for her.

It is choice after all and being brave within yourself. It is to not let your fears dictate your life.Its that simple and that hard.