More thoughts and questions...

Self worth is a place I'm not familiar with. I have been so use to not getting my needs met it feels relatively normal until the anxiety steps in. It's much easier to focus elsewhere than on grounding myself.

I was in Chapters last week and was flipping through an astrology book. Of course I looked at the Pisces/Gemini relationship to see if anyone had written anything new and interesting. I read many times that this union wasn't a match for a variety of reasons but not something that truly made sense to me. I mean people have many challenges in a relationship but you would think with that much love between us it would be a breeze and it has not been. We have dissected it over the years trying to find the answers and then... I read something that made so much sense to me, I was surprised I didn't figure it out myself!

I was watching Bladze and Deb last night interact. I had come upstairs to watch a movie with Deb as she had opted out of going to a party that they were invited too but Bladze was still going. It was so easy for them to accept each other. I asked them. I asked them what makes it easy for them to be so grounded and sure and peaceful with each other? I think I surprised them with the question. lol but Bladze in all her glory quickly answered that loving each other meant trusting each other and accepting the differences. They spend lots of quality time together and that keeps the relationship grounded.

Grounded. Then I put it together. What I had read in that Astrology book had said that the reason that the Pisces/Gemini union didn't work was neither sign was grounded. Both signs needed to be with someone with a strong sense of self and was grounded in this world.

It made perfect sense but then a big question came up for me. What the hell was the universe thinking when it put Trish and I together? Why such a painful,passionate filled, emotional challenging union?? Was it suppose to teach us about something?? If we are too weak together what was the point? Choices? Why? Far too many unanswered questions for me.

Now...we have another shot at it. Of course I want to rush in and she wants to turtle.Neither of us have changed that much. We are who we are. Maybe a little wiser about ourselves but I still want her all the time and she is still running away from ...everything! lol

I think I am so much braver than her when it comes to jumping in but when I do, then what? Most of the time I don't know what to do when I have it! and Trish? Thinks it through constantly, steps slowly as if everything in life is a minefield and even then her decisions of the heart are one foot in, one foot out.


Despite our eccentricities and fears, despite our dysfunctions, depressions,lack of grounding and every other crazy behaviour that makes us uniquely us, we constantly crave each other. Want to be in bed with each other, want to be together always. Crazy shit!

I need to find in myself that place where I can ground me. Where fear isn't a daily routine pushed by my insecurities and abandonment issues. It is a choice. I found out through a conversation with Bladze that she and I were very much alike when It came to not being committed to any relationship. She decided that she didn't want to be alone anymore and made a choice to change her behaviour and then she bravely let Deb know her feelings for her. It was that simple and that hard for her.

It is choice after all and being brave within yourself. It is to not let your fears dictate your life.Its that simple and that hard.