Plastecine

It gets more and more difficult to get close to her. There is an intimacy wall that she puts up out of frustration and anger due to our conflicting personality traits. There is nothing I can do about that. I tread on egg shells as it is. Sleeping together is a chore for her. I snore...I want to cuddle...I don't give her enough space. Even when we are awake....I want it up, she wants it down. She wants to sleep in and I want to be up and about. I want to spend my weekends outside she wants to be inside. If its black its white. You get the drift.

We are frustrated with each other to the point that having sex has become a mind field. There is so much difficulty reaching that place where we actually agree on something!! Who wants to have sex when the art of making love has become frought with conflict and it is now. I'm tired of trying to unruffle her feathers. It seems I am always irritating her, hurting her and just planely ( it feels like this) never doing it to her satisfaction. Crazily, she feels exactly the same way! How do you change this??


Sigh....I guess.....I will do what I want to do to make myself happy and she will do the same. If those things come together that' great! If not....time will tell, won't it.

Stop

I have been trying all day to figure out how to speak how I'm feeling with some kind of clarity. Some kind of inner understanding as to what I am feeling and what is coming out of me with out placing blame and being objective about what I want to say.

I have acted terribly. My challenge...difficulty... is understanding why someone like Trish wants to be with someone like me! What I mean is, is I am the type of person that is impatient, controlling and have a certain vision in my head due to my experiences in life as most of us do, which is defined by my past relationships, wants and desires that dictate to me to some extent expectations for my life.

Never in my widest dreams did I think I would end up in a place with someone yet again, where the cohesion that we both desire and crave has failed.

I haven't learned yet how to just be and let others be. I am not in a defeatist place but a place of reflection. Trying very hard to understand why the universe won't allow a certain amount of peace in my life. I know that choices have to be made for me to be happy.

Are my experiences and her's so dramatically opposite? What would happen if I just leave everything alone? I mean....don't push, don't pull...don't struggle..just breath.

Maybe it's an experiment I should take on.

Ice Cream

I was texting a friend this morning who was envious of us because she missed living with a partner. I spoke of the challenges Trish and I faced and how we were oil and water but ice cream in the middle. My friend laughed and liked the reference.

That metaphor is perfect to describe how we are with each other and how we interact.
Sometimes its like nails scratching down a chalkboard and at other times it is pure silk brushing against your skin.

I accept this dynamic. It is what it is. What worries me, is that now that we live together, I believe she believes domestic life will kill our passion and our romance. I agree that for over a month ( the move took precedence)and there hasn't been much of either. What romance and passion that has transpired, I initiated.

I think, if I cant change her mind about domestic life just being an extension of our love for each other and not a death trap...it will be the end of us. Why is it up to me? To be honest....she does not take the lead very often when it comes to romance. Part of that is my fault due to some major fumbles in the past but mostly, she is not an outy...she is an inny. Everything for Trish is internal. All emotion, every thought is written and not exposed to the outside world. Its what makes her an amazing writer. She even texts when shes angry and upset instead of confronting the issue. She is who she is and I love her but these challenges do cause frustration and many times I feel like I'm on the outside of her...unable to reach that soft ice cream of her heart.

I do have to find a way though. I will not lose her to some idea she has in her head about what domestic life is. It should be a place of balance and love and of course passion.