There is no consolation

I can't talk to you anymore. The words are not coming.
When you spread your legs for another, I was done.
You said it was just sex and she didn't have your heart.
There is no consolation in those words.
Just confirmation as to how far apart we are in what we believe, in our characters.

Your safety, your comfort is to be obtained by any prostitution.
So terrified of being your own savior,of being your own strength you will rationalize and sacrifice your integrity.
and this is a truth..... I can't deal with.

You want to be my friend, you want me to answer your call as you miss me.
I know I will be cruel to you yet again, for I cannot accept who you are.
Do you truly want this in your life?

These may be harsh words and I do not say them to yet again pass judgment or hurt you... but to explain what I feel, why we cannot speak.
I am not your judge and only the universe will decide...

I am not strong enough or able enough to accept this part of you, so instead I keep my distance as to not hurt you any further.

I still daydream of you, think of you on a daily bases. There is no consolation in this for me.
Even though I cant see or speak to you, my heart remembers that sweet spot...that passion...the real you under all the brokenness....

and I weep.

So....

Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night with a line of poetry in my head.
It's usually about you.
Even now, I am still trying to understand why I had to leave.
Even now, the frustration of it all sometimes angers, frustrates and makes me want to scream.
I know what I wanted, I know what I want but I also know that it can't be.

I am grounded in my convictions. I am sure of my intentions. I know what will make me happy.

It truly is a dichotomy. If you take away language, thoughts and history and look at just the energy,....
then the love....the kindred spirits, were right for each other. Our souls connected and we were strong.

Put back in the pot, emotional scars, insecurities and life history and it all falls like a house of cards.

There is nothing holding us together. No solid footing.

We don't share the same vision of morality, integrity and truth but our hearts urn and ache every day.

What kind of God puts this burden on love? What possible reason was this put in front of us in such a way

that the carrot just dangles out of reach? You are a cruel God. Not to happy with you today.

The Thunder Whispers

Lush and vibrate is a memory of my youth,

of rivers white and blue of unknown adventures that made my heart beat a little...
life coursed threw my veins... the thumping of my pulse reminded me I was awake.
Pretend that the warmth of you is hidden away..
Pretend that it is almost at an end and there are no more wonders to be seen
Pretend that now you are at peace with the right now
for it is a camouflage of false safety..of false intent..the dream is unfulfilled
don't forget who you really are...the pretender, the realist, the dreamer and the lover.

keep to the road and the horses will thunder by and whisper the lullaby of life..
breath in the dusty foot prints left behind and find anew your true heart.
there is no one like you in the mirror. you are seeing it for real now. The true image that stares back.
There is no demon, no betrayer, no hater...there is only you facing what comes next.


I am cautiously alive.

Relationship Status....

Single white female. Older lesbian seeking....not a dam thing!

I am self contained...content...breathing deeply from my cocoon of self love.
I am happy in my bubble for now. Scars are fine lines of a healed heart.
When I speak to my God, I don't ask for someone with a list of requirements anymore.
I ask my God...what do YOU think? Who do you think would suite me....put that person into my life.

I don't ask anymore for what I want.For all I know, I'm on the edge of a new adventure and I will allow in whatever happens to me and
welcome it with open arms.

Moving on

As much as making love was/is our connection and for 2 days we were us again, in our private world, our bubble, there was also finality.
You asked me if I thought badly of you because of things you said about Kate, about our little affair about you following your dreams in Barrie.

No is my answer. I feel...

It is what it is.
Do I agree to how you you pursue your life, that at times you settle because its safe, because you rationalize that what you are doing
with Kate is okay, that you are both getting something from the relationship? That she is an ends to a means but its okay because even though your not in love with her, you care about her, that maybe love her a little?

This is your life not mine. If you can live with yourself and be okay with your choices, then it is what it is.

It is not what I would have done. I find your convictions and character to be questionable...weak at times.
In saying that, I also know who you are. I know what you have done to survive a life full of violence, upheaval and no real family to ground you. That changes a person. That makes you a survivor no matter what the cost. When you had Deja, she came first and that was all that mattered.
I know what your life took from you, what your life taught you.....

So no....I do not think badly of you. Sad that the choices you make are choices a skewed by history and survival. Choices that are manipulated and rationalized in your mind and heart to achieve a means.... an independent life. Choices that stab at your heart and add more guilt. Choices that put a little more of yourself in that place that says, that its okay what I am doing, it's an end to a means.

I know the real you and if your life had been just a little more...settled? happy?,your choices would have been so much different. I guess, even I would have made different choices if my life had it been different.

So in the end, we cant change our past and the truth is the world is not as black and white as I would like to believe it is.

I believe because I know you so well and you know me, that understanding and compassion goes a lot further than being judgmental. It is the only way to accept someone and life.

Dear Trish

Maybe I did have intimacy issues and was unhappy inside and maybe I was restless and unsure and maybe I just didn't know how to love you the way you wanted, needed and deserved but....
Isn't that what life is all about? Rooting out your weakness...exposing yourself to see the truth?

Did it matter that I loved you so much that I did put my needs aside to the point of misery? That hearing your voice looking into your eyes, talking with you was what really mattered to me. That I wanted you so close to me that it hurt to let you go?
That I wanted to make love to you, to the point of mad lust?

You seemed to be always saying good bye to me right from the start. That set the tone of our 5 years together....I felt rejected. My past played out again.
My heart hurt to be open...to trust love such as ours. I wanted that tenderness, I wanted you inside my intensity, in how I felt for you.
Were you always afraid of me? Of how I was?

It was a dichotomy. At the same time that I wanted you, I pushed you away out of reflex, out of history out of woundedness.

I wanted the ability to draw you in and not hurt or reject you.
I wanted to say I won your heart and then not throw it away because I was afraid to fail, that I Pauline Levesque, was worthy of this love.
I wanted to be able to accept another human being as they are without the smoke and mirrors of my dreamy mind that
dictated an unearthly reality.

I loved your smell., your sex...your essence. I loved how you were home to me. Restlessness and an unsettled nature took you away from me and now....
I am alone in my lose of someone that did truly love me and I loved in return.

I am sorry

Most of the time I'm happy.

I am glued to my goals and find solace in my own company.

When I am feeling most grounded, you enter my thoughts and I feel that familiar ache.

I want you so bad, I can taste, feel, smell you to distraction.

I want to yell out," Can't we forget the past? Cant you just come back to me...to Venezuela...to Paris?

It could be different...couldn't it?

I miss your sex..your eyes that pierce my soul....your touch.
Do you remember the laughter, the fucking in the kitchen..the making love to Mechelle.

Did I romanticize you, did I make you up in my head...were you ever mine?

Was it all a dream....an attempt at true love that slipped through my fingers.

I miss even the crazy just because that would mean we would still be together.

So many beautiful moments destroyed by needs and wants.

I loved you so much.

I just wanted to say this to myself.

It’s amazing how the transition and weight loss of my body has affected me both physically and mentally.
When I first started this program, I have to admit the first 3 weeks were hell. Everything from the sugar and carb withdrawals, to my food budget doubling, eating very differently and my Sundays being taken over as a prep day.
After almost 3 months of being on this diet, I’ve become accustomed to this eating lifestyle. I still get massive cravings especially with the changing weather to cold but instead of reaching for potatoes and gravy, I reach for mashed cauliflower and kale chips and because I’m not addicted to sugar any more, I am satisfied. I also notice that my knees don’t hurt as much, my sinuses are better and my energy is fantastic!
I have a birthday to go to this weekend and I’m not worried about eating at a restaurant anymore as I know what to do and how to eat but the real surprise last night, was I fit in clothes I haven’t been able to fit in for years and that I can wear to this event.
I know my friends and family are very proud of me and I love you them all for their support but finally, I can say I’m proud of me and that…well…that’s just fuck‎ing‬ fabulous!

Remember

Sometimes its unbearable...
I awake and its palatable,
Your lips on my lips,
Your eyes seek out my eyes,
I

remember every curve, every crevice, every scar,
I soak in your scent, your touch,
I lick your pussy and remember your taste,

Its unimaginable that you are not lying next to me...
sucking my nipples and fucking me...
Then I open my eyes and you are gone and that emptiness returns.

Sexual Obsession

Nipples on my tongue,
sweat drips slowly...
eyes that search every inch of you,
soft places only i can find,

mesmerized by your lips as you speak..sigh..breath
obsessed with your scent as you cum,
legs spread, fluid moves freely..heart beat pounds..
my hands find your pulse.

move with me as I fuck you slowly...
our sweat slides me so easily inside you
rhythmic dance between lovers

look at me when I fuck you!
Feel me in your soul...
ache for what I can do to you...
anticipate.......release.

Memories Rise

My anger and hurt eventually subsides, it always does.

Things unfold as they do but memories haunt me.

I'm notorious for living in the past and everyday is a struggle but...

not a day goes by when you don't enter my mind and thoughts unexpectedly.

I can be doing my work, or riding my bike, or sending an email and my thoughts drift to you.

I am still hurt and probably a little angry that you lost faith.

I know i left..it was my choice. Arent you happier now?

You have what you wanted...someone that loves you with out challenge...that accepts you for you..

That looks after you...supports you...your a wife again.

It's funny how that anger, sarcasm rises. I feel cheated too. I wanted a partner that wanted what I wanted.

That wasn't always doubtful and scared and moody...you wanted someone I wasn't. I wanted happy too.

But these things are not what I remember most. There are things that broke us and there are events that shaped us.

I remember your touch at the oddest of moments...your lips...your eyes still haunt me and at night when I lay down to sleep,

you invade me.

A toast

It would have been Trish and I's 6th anniversary this past weekend.

We spoke before she went away for the weekend with her new girlfriend.

At times it is darkly surreal and inconceivable, that a year ago we were together and now the absurdity of where we are does make me smile in a dark sarcastic way.

We are different people now.

More practical than romantic. More realistic than passionate. We have goals for our lives now. More rooted in our own selves.

Happier that there is no more angst and pain. Happier now there is no more rejection, wanting or disappointments.

Maybe it's just safer, quieter to either be with someone who is gentler or to be alone?

I miss the very passion that drove both of us too insanity and to the most amazing heights.

I miss her laugh, her 12 year old smile, her sexy energy that she was oblivious too.

We really had so much going for us but......... it wasn't meant to be.

So I raise my imaginary drink in the air and toast to an anniversary that is sad and at the same time,

full of possibilities.

Happy anniversary baby. xxoo

Bucket list

I'm happier now...
Not so anxious..not so unsure....grounded in me...what I want...what I need.
I want a healthier you...less anxious...less unsure...grounded in yourself..
No more toxic people..drinking...over indulging in things that make me feel...
disconnected to my younger self...my healthier self.
I want to be with someone like that. I want to share my mirror with you...
a healthier...loving you.
My bucket list of love
Grounded in your own love and share with me
healthy mind ..soul...life...
breath your essence in and believe...
Let fear take a back seat..LIVE!
Structure, health, discipline....me.

It's not the same as sugar,
not as sweet....darker
The first bite is always the best,,juicy..dripping from my lips
Breath deeply the virgin air...I am and still are living...
placing my hands on your breasts...I hear oceans in my ears...waves touch ..
I've missed your sweet smells and your blossoms..
love me for I have missed loving you.

Mirror

Have I tricked myself in feeling justified..
Pacifying the inner critic for the moment.
Heard her most of Friday evening ..chattering away about how I failed...
What I could have, should have done. Why I wasn't good enough...same rhetoric
Told her to shut up but she had already done her damage. I heard her.

Why cant I see the truth? Why cant I just accept?
Move forward, one step back...punishing myself for what cant be taken back.

My beauty tries to emerge through the mirror...so close...so ...so...close.

Pushing through..my heart bleeds..then mends a little...I see the tears of blood fall gently to the ground..
A flower pushes through with each tear..eyes in the mirror...I see myself.

The Waring Self

Pacify your inner dreams with sweets and promises but in the end
you have to look in to the mirror and see the truth.
I look towards the horizon with hope and promise,
syrupy drool comes from my lips.
She is the ugly cruel one...she keeps your sweet girl under her thumb.
Held for ransom from

what you truly want.

Life was simpler when you were high and drunk.
Immediate needs meet...living with my back turned...angry and happy all at once.
Fucking...and fucking...dancing for hours in my bubble of now.

Age and reality eventually seep in.
You cant live forever in a world of mirrors and glass.... can you?
I love life...I love breathing in and out but...
on those days when the ooze drips into my mouth and into my thoughts...
the old ugliness is there and pulls back my heart...
stepping backwards one step...it is a nuisance.

Self

Place your heart in my hand, I am there for you.
All the therapy in the world hasn't been able to reconnect you.
Breath in and out....centre yourself.
I am wise yet young...
I am old but youthful....
My heart is open to all this world has to offer..
It is as simple or as difficult as I make it.
I am there, standing behind you, beside you, I am there to protect and guide you.
I am love. I am your soul...trust that I will always catch you.


Prepare for bravery of the heart, prepare for the road you have not travelled,prepare for love
breath in and out....


If you let go, your life will be a happy one.

Slide down the slide then up again.
The roller coaster really hasn't stopped till now.
Sometimes I move forward, then back again.
Tired, angry hurt and more...
This is my one life...why can't I get the love of my life to understand?
It is so simple really but baggage, the past and the future complicate the spirit and direction.
Time to breath and meditate. Clarity will come.

Rebirth

A breath of fresh air has blown in and revived,rejuvenated me.
I kissed her lips and moved into her warmth,
I am home.
Her eyes dance when she looks into mine..she's looking for the hazel light
I am free...allowing myself to be...
Wanting her in every cell of my body and yet, renewed with a new calm and patience that
I've never felt before.
I am alive...she gentle smells me in and remembers... and I?

Love her.

Closure

My heart physically hurts...

I didn't think I'd be rejected...I believed with such confidence that she would pick me.

Acceptance was her key issue.

It didn't matter what I said.....the truth was too late as she had moved on already

and I wasn't aware.

She gave me the closure I wanted but not the closure I expected.

She saw the changes in me...she knew I was there for her but she just couldn't trust it.

Acceptance? she was right. In the past I wanted to change her, control her...the last six months...

I realized what a waste of my energy and how hurtful this was to her.

I am free of that burden. That lovely creature who turned my world upside down and taught me

so much...I ache for her.

I now have to move pass this lose. Move pass the regret and forgive myself for the hurt I inflicted on her and myself.

I am a wonderful complex passionate person that has just come into her own.

It is now time for the next chapter of my life.

I will so miss you baby. xxoo

The Lesbian Shuffle 101

So....she admits she's in a relationship.

Even though she said she only communicated with her by text for a few months before it moved further, it was a few months while she was with me.

Her needs weren't being met and she found someone to replace me.



Then....when we were officially broken up...around New years...they had sex.
Must have been good as she kept going back.




And now?
We messed around. Realized we still had that "Thing" for each other but she's in a relationship and it cant go any further as this woman meets her needs. Safe and passionless but nether the less, away from passion and upheaval and true love.


I doubt we will ever revisit us. Once the lesbian shuffle begins, there is no going back.

Feeling sad and disillusioned.

For You

So many things going through my head right now. Replay... replay of last night in my mind.
If nothing else, I got too taste your lips again...feel her heat for me and touch your heart.

There were no promises of being reunited from her....she is safe where she is.
I'm not safe.... I hold her heart...her sex......her passion...our story..
her underbelly is exposed when she is with me as mine is with her.
This has been the way its been from the very beginning.
Nothing has changed between us.

I'm healthier now but is it too late for us?
Will she run from me?
I don't blame her....our history is a tumultuous one.
but...she is mine and I am hers.
My heart has always been promised to her.

I have a powerful gift that she has always wanted.
I am finally able to offer myself to her.
I feel whole...alive

I licked her nipples and pushed into her wet cunt....
really...isn't this what I live and breath for with this wonderful creature?

The knowledge that the universe was kind enough to let me have your heart even for the briefest of moments brings a smile to my face. I thank you for that no matter what happens.

The Ache

I dreamed about you last night.
The touch of your hand....the closeness we shared...
it was an intimate dream of once was.
I reached out to you yesterday because of it.
Wishing oh so much that you were at the other end...wanting me..wishing for me.

I live the cliche...
there is a hole in my heart where you once resided.
Even now..I hope for you.

Life moves ever forward...I have friends...I have a life..
my heart has stopped because of you. Like a snapshot..
It doesn't move backward or forward..just still.

My thoughts are always pulled to you at some point of my day.
I like to think you must have been thinking of me recently..
as I feel you oh so close.

That need for you is an ever present ache.

How will I go on.

Ode to my Love

I remember your beautiful deep eyes of mystery and depth,
your sultry sweet voice whispering in my ears,
It will be hard to kiss anothers lips as yours brought me to Ecstasy time after time.
I know there will be comparisons... even though my mind says its over,
my heart does not.

I remember your smell, your taste, your heart...
I smile when I think about those special moments that were Trish and Pauline.
They were our secrets...
Venezuela....
Michelle....
Pauline land....
Imeem...

Its hard to let go of your presence in my heart...my mind...

I still feel you with me as if you never left...strange that....

sigh.........I loved you.....I love you........there is nothing else

Changes

So...how am I doing? I am actually okay!Its far better than miserable and even though I cant say I'm happy as of yet, Okay is a very positive place for me. I am truly single now. After my last interaction with Trish, I've realized that it is an end and I am ready for a new beginning.

I am and forever will have great memories of her. Even though there was plenty of heartache and pain, most of the experience was my choice. I chose to stick it out because I did love her and to be very honest, didn't want to fail at another relationship. In saying that, I have come to the realization that it is time to move on and alter my destiny.

I need to have a good time! Been a very long while. Secondly...believe that I am worthy and loved and thirdly, find someone who truly suits me. I am not saying anything negative about Trish but the relationship didn't need to be so difficult and painful but because as individuals,we communicated our hearts differently, that we were not grounded in ourselves and unable to find a common ground of peace, played a role in our eventual separation.

When Trish said she just couldn't be there for me, that she wanted her freedom and in truth didn't trust me anymore. Not only did I understand but I truly let it go. No more anxiety, pain and doubt. I felt relief for the first time because I knew it wasnt meant to be. Finally I understood what the universe has in store for me and it wasn't this.

If I want true love I have to find it within me. Then....find someone that is connected to me not only through passion but through all that brings you to your real love that mirrors your love, then....I will be where I should be.

In the meantime, keep working towards love and compassion. I do still love you Trish but its over and its time to say goodbye to the past. xxoo

More thoughts and questions...

Self worth is a place I'm not familiar with. I have been so use to not getting my needs met it feels relatively normal until the anxiety steps in. It's much easier to focus elsewhere than on grounding myself.

I was in Chapters last week and was flipping through an astrology book. Of course I looked at the Pisces/Gemini relationship to see if anyone had written anything new and interesting. I read many times that this union wasn't a match for a variety of reasons but not something that truly made sense to me. I mean people have many challenges in a relationship but you would think with that much love between us it would be a breeze and it has not been. We have dissected it over the years trying to find the answers and then... I read something that made so much sense to me, I was surprised I didn't figure it out myself!

I was watching Bladze and Deb last night interact. I had come upstairs to watch a movie with Deb as she had opted out of going to a party that they were invited too but Bladze was still going. It was so easy for them to accept each other. I asked them. I asked them what makes it easy for them to be so grounded and sure and peaceful with each other? I think I surprised them with the question. lol but Bladze in all her glory quickly answered that loving each other meant trusting each other and accepting the differences. They spend lots of quality time together and that keeps the relationship grounded.

Grounded. Then I put it together. What I had read in that Astrology book had said that the reason that the Pisces/Gemini union didn't work was neither sign was grounded. Both signs needed to be with someone with a strong sense of self and was grounded in this world.

It made perfect sense but then a big question came up for me. What the hell was the universe thinking when it put Trish and I together? Why such a painful,passionate filled, emotional challenging union?? Was it suppose to teach us about something?? If we are too weak together what was the point? Choices? Why? Far too many unanswered questions for me.

Now...we have another shot at it. Of course I want to rush in and she wants to turtle.Neither of us have changed that much. We are who we are. Maybe a little wiser about ourselves but I still want her all the time and she is still running away from ...everything! lol

I think I am so much braver than her when it comes to jumping in but when I do, then what? Most of the time I don't know what to do when I have it! and Trish? Thinks it through constantly, steps slowly as if everything in life is a minefield and even then her decisions of the heart are one foot in, one foot out.


Despite our eccentricities and fears, despite our dysfunctions, depressions,lack of grounding and every other crazy behaviour that makes us uniquely us, we constantly crave each other. Want to be in bed with each other, want to be together always. Crazy shit!

I need to find in myself that place where I can ground me. Where fear isn't a daily routine pushed by my insecurities and abandonment issues. It is a choice. I found out through a conversation with Bladze that she and I were very much alike when It came to not being committed to any relationship. She decided that she didn't want to be alone anymore and made a choice to change her behaviour and then she bravely let Deb know her feelings for her. It was that simple and that hard for her.

It is choice after all and being brave within yourself. It is to not let your fears dictate your life.Its that simple and that hard.

Thoughts

I am trying to sort out my thoughts. We told each other we are not ready to be in a relationship as of yet. To much to sort out personally. As I was walking around today a terrible thought came into my mind and I don't want to talk to her about it because I really don't want to know...yet.

If Trish is still in love with me and I truly believe she is, is she still having sex with Kate? And what do I do with that? If you are in love with someone, should you not be intimate with them even if at the moment you both need your space? Wrapping my mind around Trish having sex with another woman is bad enough as I truly feel like a violation of the heart and spirit has occurred but for her to continue fucking her and being fucked by her after such an open genuine omission of love, seems wrong to me. It's just not a healthy place to start.Are Trish and I so different when it comes to how we perceive what should be done to create strength between us or is it simply as Trish put it, I am braver than her? Or that again, she is with someone safe who doesn't push her out of her safe zone?

She has asked me on numerous occasions, what is it that I want from her? I have answered that question with evasion and most of the time with confusion as I have never truly known what I wanted in any aspect of my life.
I want loyalty, love and respect from myself and from her and to achieve that is a struggle.I so want her to be brave and embrace me. I miss her just loving me and only me. If that is selfish then it's the right kind of selfish for me. I deserve her love and she deserves mine. I was NEVER worthy of love and never selfish enough to deserve love.
I deserve love. I deserve respect and a safe place to express it. Her fucking someone else is not safe or healthy for me.I do want to work on a friendship but the reality is that by being in love with each other, adds a dynamic to the relationship that will be a pretty large challenge. I don't need to cramp her style or space and I don't want to pressure her into anything but I do need her loyalty. Now that I have that all sorted out, I will have to talk to her now. Dam! :)

Forward

Its been over a week. No communication. Not sure how I'm feeling about it.
Maybe one part relief, one part sadness and one part confusion.
I am finally moving forward. Not stuck anymore but still think about Trish every single day.
I think it will take me a long time to see someone else without seeing her first in my mind.
I do feel less anguish and pain but miss her so much.
Socializing again and enjoying it. Feeling calmer and a little bit happier and...
still missing her.
I know that eventually, my loss of her will lessen and it has already.
Going out next weekend to a theatre production for my birthday. I know I will have a great time but...
I will miss her.

So one foot in front of the other. Moving forward into the unknown. Submitting papers for a new passport next Friday.
Have to decide where I want to go and have already started saving for it. Truly feeling excited about the possibilities!

Sent a text to her last night. Had had a little to much to drink and then regretted it. I wasn't sure if I really wanted contact...what would I say? I was able to delete it. Old habits die hard. Stepped over a line with her and myself last week. Don't want that to happen again so I'm glad I was able to pull back.

Moving forward...

How can you not know?

Do you not know how you feel about me?
In your gut and in your heart?

When you anticipate seeing me, talking with me,look into my eyes,
do you not catch your breath a little and your pulse race?

Do you not have imaginings of me whispering in your ear, " Tell me "
My hands sweeping over you and touching your very essence?

How can you not know that your blood pulsates with life when my fingers
enter you, when my cock fucks you.

Do you wish to deny yourself the very thing you crave?

Maybe it's just too much. Maybe safe is better, quieter, surer.

But ...

I want you.

My blood boils for you. I am intense in my love for you. There is nothing less.

This scares you. I am unpredictable at times volatile but when we stare into each others eyes,

there is such love, passion and I am home. You are my oasis, my grounding.

How can you not know?

The Twilight Zone

I seemed to have stood still.
I still see her eyes, her naked body over me...sucking my nipples... fucking me
I am still trapped by her scent, her voice...my cock between her legs and she...

It was only yesterday that we kissed so passionately, knowingly...
we were so in love...

she has moved on...

I wait here for her as if she is just moments away.
I can't let her go. I'm trapped by my memories
stuck in hopes and dreams...what if's...plans...

she is busy, distracted engaged with another...

fucking her as we are no more than a wisp of time...
her memories of us are in the recesses of what once was,
I am just her past now...it's safer..

she is fucking another woman...

I am caught in The Twilight Zone..
I see her being fucked..my imagination plays tricks on me
I believe...I see her naked with someone else..the heartache is unbearable.
My mind warps time,
I am so weak..

Was it only yesterday that she was mine?

I am driving myself mad.

The Black Dog

It is nipping at my heals.
Images of my death in various ways play out in front of my eyes.
One scenario is from pills and my lifeless body lying in bed for a few days before anyone comes to investigate.
Would I be missed?
All I ever talk about these days is what I am not, what I don't have and so self absorbed, I cant hear anyone elses life.
Would I be missed?

Maybe everyone would be relieved.
Friends and family at my funeral speaking in hushed whispers. "She never seemed really happy". "Always in the background, always looking for the worse". So much self pity.

"Hopefully she has finally found peace."

Is there peace in death? Maybe it's a lie. Maybe as a good catholic girl, I do believe suicide brings your mortal soul to purgatory and maybe my purgatory is to live this life over again!? Replaying all my anguish, shame and pain.

Maybe that belief stops me from finally following the black dog to hell. My heart pain is so close to the edge that I can see the abyss. I feel no hope, no happiness. A broken heart, a broken soul is what the black dog salivates over.
Just waiting from the sidelines, patiently waiting

for me to truly give up.

Will I be missed?

I don't know

A love note

“I don’t pretend to dance in the rain

For in my heart water flows

I am and forever more

A broken glass

A fragile wisp of once was

I can’t remember a time

When the scent of you

Wasn’t in the very air

That I breathe”


I saw this on your blog and I decided I want it. I forget the beauty of my writting most of the time.

Thanks for reminding me.

I have forgotten

I forget sometimes I use to be in love.

I forget sometimes that you use to love me.

You slept with someone else and fell out of love with me.

Heartbroken doesn't even cover how that makes me feel.

It doesn't matter anymore my reasons for leaving you because all you feel and see

is I did.

I know how that is. I've spent a lifetime abandoning myself.

I miss everything about you. It drives me mad.

I want to write beautiful poetry again about your lips, your breasts, your voice....

your cunt...

I cant anymore...

My life as I know it is unravelling and maybe that is what is suppose to happen.

I need to shed this box I'm in...peel back the controller, the critic...and see who's really in here.

I'm afraid.

I've forgotten who I use to be, who I wanted to be. I'm afraid to find out.I'm scared of everything and don't think I

have the courage.


Poetry is no good if you can't live your dreams. Love is not a gift if you don't know how to receive it.

I'm full of cliches.

I want you back. I've never wanted something so much as you. You do fulfill me. I was scared of that too. I admit I'm

a coward but please don't hold that against me.

I never meant to be one. I was very brave once but it got beat out of me. That is my excuse. Not a good one but a real

one.

Come back to me and read me one of your stories. Come back to me and share your heart. Come back to me as I feel I am

too weak to go on without you.


or...just come back to me that no matter what I have done, you know in your soul, I am the one. I am Venezuela...I am

the one you want in your bed. No matter how many woman you sleep with...I am her.



I've said to much...shared too much...want to much...but after it's all said and done, it always comes back to you.


I have forgotten my love for you.

2014

Its a new day. Life must move forward or I die.

My heart is broken still but I will mend and with that mending, a place of joy will emerge.

This will be my new and inspiring truth.

The critic must move over.

Making arrangements to finally get my passport and this next year, I will travel somewhere.

I promise myself that.

Familiar

I touched her skin and she let me.
Mapping her small flaws and imperfections with my finger tips..
She asked if I came back because she was familiar
and I breathed in her scent... my tongue gently tasted her,

Oh yes...I loved her familiarity.

The weight is tough. I feel like most days that I am carrying a second person around and I get exhausted by it.
I am trying to get out more, walk more and get to the gym at least 3 times a week and I'm finally cutting back on pop and junk food.

Some days are good days and some days are really bad.Last night I went to a bowling event through the meet up groups. Had a good time, a few beers and when I got dropped off, went looking for junk food. Lucky for me, the one place I looked wasn't open and I was lazy and cold to check around but that pull felt like I was a smoker again.

I woke up this morning thinking, than God I didn't eat Doritos at 11 O'clock last night or I would have felt like shit today. Maybe this stuff should be banned.Or at least extremely over priced. I know my reason for cutting back on pop is cost. A case of 12 cans use to be not so long ago, $2.99. Now I'm seeing prices at $6 bucks! I just cant bring myself to pay it!

So my will power has a cost! Funny in a dark way.

War Weary Lovers

When I look at the picture that I used for creating this blog I remember. The nipple clamps, the hand holding her in the middle of the chest and I remember why I chose it. The significance of sexual submission spoke to me. You were mine and I could do with you as a will when we made love. Complete trust.

The war between us has been on going for so long, I forgot the power we had. Strong, passionate and yes loving when I would allow it. The scars of life eventually chipped away at that love, that power. I brought to it intimacy and insecurity issues and you brought your inability to stand up to me and retain yourself because you wanted to please me so much and keep the peace which created moods and shutdowns. The war was ever so evident right from the beginning but we were so in love and both optimistic that we could get past these things...

We couldn't.Unhappiness was the result. Disappointment a constant. Lacklustre lovemaking was a result, animosity, mistrust and anger were a result.

We felt we lost our love for each other. That thing that binds, was lost.

When I finally left, I spent the next few months trying to sort myself out. Trying to find happy and joy. Maybe I did idealize us. So what? I am an idealist. Its part of who I am. I wanted to love you from that place and I did!

Real life caused me great havoc and distress and unhappiness. All I ever wanted to do was pack us up, move out of the city and live a life of happy and love with you. Its always been about you.

And that is what I do know. It's always been about you even when I sabotaged things between us.

As I worked with my counsellor, the realization that my critic controlled my life to the point that I didn't have one was a revelation.

Here I was alone again cause that critic dictated to me.

Through a strange and painful array of events, we have found that spark between us again. Both questioning it, mistrusting it and wondering what to do with it. Maybe it never left. Just hidden from the war. I'd like to think you can never really destroy true love. It just takes a hiatus from all the turmoil and pain and comes out again when we have learned to truly embrace it. You really cant destroy love. It's a gift. You either accept it or you don't.

I'd like to think that is true.

I hate you

She texted me. She texted me and said she's sorry for how I feel but took no responsibility for lying to me. For falling out of love with me....for fucking up my holiday. No remorse really. Just felt bad that I was hurting. Sweet of her don't you think? I don't know why I'm so surprised or why she still hurts me so badly.

At first my heart jumped at seeing my phone light up and I knew it was her!
I could see the long text from a distance as my phone was charging and I almost ran to it in my excitement. My first thought was, " She's texting to tell me its all been a mistake. That I still love you..that I want you between my legs again and then...

Fuck...she's commenting on my pain from my blog. Telling me how sorry she is that I feel the way I do. She peeked into my hell and made a commentary about it. She says I don't know her heart.I don't. I thought I did but I don't know this woman anymore. Shes been all over my memories the last couple of days. Everywhere I go I feel her. Fucking hate this. I hate her.

Going to get a drink. Then have another. Maybe another...

I was out shopping today like I usually do on a pay day and I ended up at Pape and Danforth. It took everything in me to not look for her or to go to apartment and scream at her. "Look what you've done to me!?" I miss you so badly it hurts all the time. I want you in my bed....I want Venezuela back!! I want your mouth on mine and your cunt in my face. I want your laughter in my ear and your soft voice to sooth my soul. I want your hands on me and your eyes staring at me the way you do with such intensity that I always had to ask what your thinking.I want to hear you talk about you! There is so much more I want and I want and I want.

Ironically...I think the day will come when we do pass each other on the street and say hi in passing as I wrote so long ago.

I had hoped that writing all this down would be cathartic but as I was writing, you texted me. Then everything changed.Then it became pain and anger. Then wanting, then love. I hate you. I was trying so hard to change things between us. To bring the magic back, the love and you turned around and said..."I don't think It's there for me anymore". Absolute devastation. The way you did it was humiliating. Your way of payback I guess. You have always been a vindictive woman. You might want to look at that one day. I never did anything out of spit. Just immaturity and insecurity.
If you decide to continue reading my blog, the truth is, I have always loved you. I feel in love with you on our first date and I still feel you as if it was the first day.


I guess that's enough vomiting for one night.I sure as hell hope I get over you soon. Fuck!

So it was a lie. A manipulation to see if that "thing" was still between us. It wasn't to connect and have great sex it was a rouse a test for her. She had ulterior motives to wanting to get together. The end result? It feel flat for her. That thing between us was gone and she didn't want to see me again.

I screamed inside and out. The last fucking humiliation in a long line of humiliations. Oil and water doesn't even describe what happened between us. All I know, feel now? Surprisingly...relief that its finally done.

Ya...crazy realization.

A New Year is upon me. With that comes a clean slate for another shot at happiness. For self fulfilment. I am a young soul. The challenges with that is repeating the same mistakes. That being young at heart keeps me curious and vibrate but also immature and prone to terrible insecurities and making the wrong choices when it comes to my heart.

A few things I definitely have to let go off.
Control- A tool that protected me from pain but also shut me off from living healthily
Intimacy- Stop running from it
Self defeat- The critic in my head needs to leave or at least be quieter!
THE PAST- What a waste of time that is!

These aren't resolutions as much as goals for the year.


Things I need to know about Love?

Stop trying so hard. Enjoy myself and love will flow. Simple statement but so difficult to navigate.
It begins with acceptance
Again...let go of shit! A waste of my time.
Enjoy life and that someone will show up when I least expect it.

Goals- That don't necessarily have to be followed through like a grocery list. Just let things flow. My new motto.