Dear Trish

Maybe I did have intimacy issues and was unhappy inside and maybe I was restless and unsure and maybe I just didn't know how to love you the way you wanted, needed and deserved but....
Isn't that what life is all about? Rooting out your weakness...exposing yourself to see the truth?

Did it matter that I loved you so much that I did put my needs aside to the point of misery? That hearing your voice looking into your eyes, talking with you was what really mattered to me. That I wanted you so close to me that it hurt to let you go?
That I wanted to make love to you, to the point of mad lust?

You seemed to be always saying good bye to me right from the start. That set the tone of our 5 years together....I felt rejected. My past played out again.
My heart hurt to be open...to trust love such as ours. I wanted that tenderness, I wanted you inside my intensity, in how I felt for you.
Were you always afraid of me? Of how I was?

It was a dichotomy. At the same time that I wanted you, I pushed you away out of reflex, out of history out of woundedness.

I wanted the ability to draw you in and not hurt or reject you.
I wanted to say I won your heart and then not throw it away because I was afraid to fail, that I Pauline Levesque, was worthy of this love.
I wanted to be able to accept another human being as they are without the smoke and mirrors of my dreamy mind that
dictated an unearthly reality.

I loved your smell., your sex...your essence. I loved how you were home to me. Restlessness and an unsettled nature took you away from me and now....
I am alone in my lose of someone that did truly love me and I loved in return.

I am sorry