The Lesbian Dream

It hangs in the air....
She no longer wants to be apart of me..
It doesn't matter that she hangs on...
It's not the same anymore..
The cord has been broken.

I am still apart of her life due to circumstances but
Sooner than later ....those ties will be cut too

Then....it will only be me...just me

Visions of her in another s arms flood my imagination
My vision with her ended.

The lesbian dream destroyed.
That's what it was for me....a vision of a lesbian life.
How I saw our happiness unfold...maybe that was always the problem?

Straight girl wanting a straight life with a lesbian woman?

There are lesbians and then there are lesbians....I am born into this life.
I breath it....she is a new flower...creating her own version of loving a woman.

Maybe it is just that simple?

Two different visions of happiness?

I can't change any of it. It is what it is. I loved her madly..that I know.

The dream has come to an end.

A plea to the big U

I don't sleep anymore...
I get through my day in a haze...
I know you did the right thing..
There was no other choice....

I just want you out of my thoughts
I'm catching a cold because I am exhausted
Please..if there is a universe, give me some rest
Sleep would be a welcome relief.

The drinking doesn't help,
The working out doesn't help
The distractions don't help.

Please...Ms. Universe...cut me some slack..
and give me peace.

The Lesbian Shuffle - Part 2

The curve of your face as I gently kiss your lips falls into my hand.
I feel your body hum as I touch you in the places that send you into ecstasy and
then...I wake up from this dream and I am alone...

Your smell still so strong in my nostrils, the taste of your lips, the wetness of your pussy still lingers on my finger tips.....it is torture...I stare away...
tears well up...

remembering your laugh and the deep mysteries of your eyes haunt me...
I will go out tonight trolling the bars for young girls...I need to forget you....to forget you were the one I let go...that slipped between my fingers.

I need to fall between someone Else's thighs to erase your smell or I will go mad.

I'm not looking for a "love connection"....still feeling the fall out of you leaving me for good...the pain is fresh and inescapable.
It's the aloneness. that I want to escape from....the memories that haunt me.

Alcohol and woman...amusements and escapes from my past. I will feel nothing except the warmth of another human being...for a moment...get lost in the pretend..the sex...and try very hard to forget you and it will be a lie. I know
it is but....
As a young woman walks by me and gives a look of want, I will grab her hand and for a brief while....delve into painless illusion and breath for a moment.

Jagged Little Pill

Take your medicine with a smile, that jagged little pill of humility
the knowledge of knowing...
it's not all about me...it's not always personal
My Life moves through my veins running hot, clean...
understanding....


Do you love yourself?
first thought that comes to mind....
I don't hate myself...laughing at my negotiations..
trying to manipulate myself?!

Young in my maturity...so many mistakes
a waterfall of flowers surround my thoughts of you...
there is no poison....just stumbling......
I do know when it is right..the path always widens when its right.
I can see so clearly.....
No questioning...peace and knowing.

Are you happy?
I can see it ...

The final goodbye

A place inside hurts and screams at what has been lost
I wanted so much more than this for myself,
I have learned to climb but still have more to conquer.
The next leg of the journey is to speak my truth..to be myself, alone again... without the walls of manipulation to protect my fears.

My heart is in pain. I have no words to express how I have failed.
It will pass...I will heal...I will learn from my mistakes and move on. I wish I didn't have to without you.

I so wanted you with me and move forward together on this journey but now I see.... in this reality that that dream is impossible. It's so horribly sad that turmoil and bitterness has stripped away all that was good between us and now, the woman I love, speaks to me in disdain, disinterest and fear...
How I loved you....you will never know how deep that dream went but I never, ever expressed it well.

I know how much I hurt you, smothered you and abused you and that reflects on my heart, my soul and I am ashamed. You didn't deserve any of it...always wanting to be right....controlling....I don't know why it was so important to change you.

Now...it truly is the final goodbye. I will no longer be this person and find my
dream, my life...my truth as I know that once i've learned the lessons..only then...will I have love for myself and others.

Goodbye baby xxoo

I dreamed of you......

I dreamed of you sitting at a desk, writing, with sheer white curtains blowing gently
from Mediterranean breezes through your window.
You were wearing a light cotton see through dress that barely hung from your shoulders,
leaving little to the imagination.
I, lounging in a over sized comfy couch, reading the latest Stephen King book
and my mind wandering to erotic places I haven't yet been with you.

You say that I am lazy, not interested but you don't know what I dream, what my reality is. Your mind is in dark and murky places...in past hurts... questioning if we have enough to be together...your moods roll like the waves of the sea and I can't reach you.
Life....this reality we live, is not what I dream of when I look into your eyes.

I asked for you. I dreamed of you. I still dream of you but this reality...this dream....almost makes it impossible to visit Venezuela with you. So many mistakes, so many transgressions, so many words that only say, "look at what you did to me!?" "See the scares you have inflicted on my heart? " You stole my dream!

Terrible things were said and done out of fear, out of pain, out of disappointment.

But I do remember you and the dream that is you.

Do you still want it?
Are your thoughts so clouded by what I am not and have forgotten what I can give you?
I still do dream of you...in those most erotic places of my mind.
By the sea, at the desk...your legs open for me to enter.

I remember the dream.