For Me

I have put myself in a relationship that doesnt feed my soul.
I have put myself in a relationship that is reminisent of how my family has treated
me my whole life.
Self rightous, arrogant, mean spirited people who have moments of generousity and light but it's all smoke and mirrors really.

I attracted selfishnes and meanness to me because I am selfish and mean too? I don't know the answer but I do know that I don't want to repeat this cycle yet again. I have to find a way to be happy for me, to attract light to me. If I am happy, it stands to reason I will attract happy! Its comfortable in a weird way, these type of relationships because they are what I know but they don't create and nurture real growth and lighten my soul. I feel inadequate and unfullfilled by my own decisions to be in this place. Instead of seeing this as a fault, I need to see my life and my experiences with my eyes wide open and truly change my course.

I am the master of my destiny and the health of my heart and soul. Love thy self Pauline and all will come to you.

The 99% Speaks: Occupy Camps Receives Eviction Threat

The 99% Speaks: Occupy Camps Receives Eviction Threat: The municpal officials have announced their plan to evict the demonstrators of the occupy camps that have not been legally permitted to set ...

Fuck it!

She did it to me again. I am a fool to think she wouldnt. I came back this time because ....
I still loved her I guess.Still wanting to try. She accuses me often of being selfish and a loner but all I have done, all the changes I have gone through and the little things I do...for her...are not the acts of someone that is selfish.

I am a bully sometimes, controlling, most assuredly but I have never not loved her, helped her and tried to keep her safe.She has slapped me in the face yet again.
Blames me for her unhappiness and her inability to get her life together. Maybe for her, leaving me is best. She blames, blames...blames.

She can't seem to function around me. If this is all my fault, then so be it.

No more girlfriends and relationships. If I am all that is negative according to her and not the type of personality that does well in a love relationship, then an island I will stay. Fuck this love shit!

What an odd place to be in.
I am moving forward but not in a direction I thought I would. I am in love with a woman, whom I've been in a tumultous relationship for three years and it has ended. It was a rollercoaster ride that never seemed to find its roots.
I know now why and I also know that if we tried yet again, the same problems would continue.

We just see things differently and come at relationships from different perspectives.
Something Trish said to me the other day has haunted me and caused me to stop and really look at myself and my interaction with her and with other people in my life.

I am an island onto me. I am so self efficient and controlling I appear not to need anyone! The loner. Unable to freely give of myself and think of someone else first.


I've thought about that for days now. I do know that when I am in love and feel I am the center of the universe in that persons life that I will be more emotionally available than anywhere else in my life. In this relationship, I never trusted it from the beginning. As much as I wanted to put the past away and clear our slate as a couple and do a " Do Over", I never trusted. The damage was in an area of my heart and mind that not only had been damaged so badly in my youth but the wounds were revisted and reopened on an on going bases. The pain, rejection, abandoment was as real today as it was as a young child. I felt and tasted the fear and anxiety. Everytime Trish broke up with me, I revisted that cold sweat.

I also set Trish off. Putting her threw a variety of hoops to see if she was worthy of me and my love. Of course, like every other woman in my life including my mother, it was always a let down. No one was going to be able to live up to the expectations and judgements i had in place. They were destined to fail.

I created an enviroment of control and manipulation and pushed Trish down.

to be continued....

A Poem of sorrow to Trish

I have become ugly from all that has happened.
Anger fuels my words and cruelty and I speak in daggers and pain.
I wanted you. I wanted the promise of you. The dreams shared...
I only feel bitterness and anger like I have never felt before.

It has gone horribly wrong and what should have been my love of a lifetime,
is now, terrible heartache and shattered kisses.

How we have hurt each other. How we have killed off our love, The dream of Trish and Pauline will now be like many others before us...dead from disallusionment and disappointment.

We have given back the things that we put in each others homes. House keys exchanged, bitter words hang in the air and what words said in love... of passion... a great tenderness of heart and souls so intense and gentle love making will now become memories.
sorrow,regret fills the air....
The dream replaced by shame....my shame of what I allowed to happen and who I became...the worst of myself.

To inflict such pain on the person I loved, that I professed such devotion..given so much of myself and opened my heart too...all that we shared in our private moments and now....I can't share a kind word for my heart it is filled with blackness...
I am down a deep well.
There will never be enough sorries to wash away my sins. I will never hurt you, us again....my love, my Trish.

Loneliness

As she walks closer looking for the one she lost,
The pond appears clear and tepid.
Enclosed by lush trees,the sun filters
through the branches as separate beams of God...

She squats down, her reflection mirrored in the still water
sad...searching, wanting behind her eyes.
Her fingers touch the water ever so lightly and
ripples expand outward slowly...away from her.
Her tears falling from her eyes into the pond add to the rippling and a continual dance begins.

Her loneliness is paletable to her...she feels it all around
as she wraps her arms around herself.
Nothing has changed...she is alone...still.

It's a dull thud in my heart now.
Finally disillusioned
All promise forgotten and swept under my memories
A love unattainable...a dream unfulfilled.

I don't understand the cruelty of the winds
to have been so close and yet....

Eventually the truth will be unveiled but for now..
I walk and breath in the shadow of what was promised
but not walked upon.

Bitterness and steel are in my heart now.
Protective shields for healing.
I lay a flower at the foot of our grave...
a dream lost...goodbye my love.

The Winds of Promise

Inside myself again....keep quiet...don't voice the swirl of emotions.
lips that once met with electricity,
bodies entwined in passion,
placed on a shelf....until?

The craving deep in my belly, yells at me for release.
control your urgings, your needs...your fantasy's.
Live in a glass house made of clear cellophane...
fill yourself with distractions....

I am not a single leaf...but am forced to float on winds coming from the south.

Remembrance of yearnings...passions...catch my breath with excitement..
obsession...asked to tame and control my very being.

I open my legs my heart ....wanting to go deeper...to catch my breath within

your eyes ...your touch...

put a lid on it you dreamy girl....you watery Pisces....no fluidity needy here!

Play in my yard you say for I no longer am apart of you....separate

single leaf floating all alone on winds that no longer swirl in promise and I am

waiting.....waiting....waiting....I am the sentry of winds that once promised

bliss.....waiting in hope of a renewed strong northerly breeze

of passion...of what bound us.

Believe Again

Perhaps fate has decreed a holiday from all the pain and striff.
Perhaps we are weary and no longer wish to continue a battle dance of wills
or perhaps....we have truly found each others bright lights of self and awareness.

I do know you are struggling again with a new challenge. A challenge that could end how you feel for me.
It is scary for me at times but I take comfort in the knowing I see in your eyes that is only for me. Even though you may feel you've lost something between us, your lips tell a different story.
Your hunger is still ever present even if it takes me a little longer to reach it.

When my hands find you, I feel that presents..that energy that is only mine. I smile at that knowledge and wait for you to believe again.

Bleeding

Exhausted by the ups and downs of my emotions.
Given plenty of advice as to what to do, what not to do but
I continually bleed.

She hates me now.
I hear it in her latest poem.
Bitterness and resentment seeps from her words...

I am all over the place and can't seem to stop
thinking about her...
It just has to get better, doesn't it?

I was at a dance tonight and watched woman slow dance
They looking into each others eyes,
hands of familiarity on each others waists, shoulders...so gentle and loving.
I sat watching and my heart ached and I almost burst into tears.

This is what I lost. This is what we lost.
I am blood soaked.

Half my life revolved around you.
When I speak to a woman who is attracted to me,
I compare her to you.

I text another woman as if it is you I am talking too....
missing those very texts I always complained about.
When I'm aroused I think I can sleep with someone else on a casual bases...
but then I become to pushy, to overly zealot, creepy and I feel like I'm going to implode.
The pressure inside is so..so..it's just not you.

My balls are cut off and even aroused, I can only think of you.

You permeated my very being.
I have to much time on my hands now...
No more weekends together or Wednesday nights at your apartment.
No more sleeping together even if it was hard...I loved you next to me.
No making you breakfast, kissing your lips...
I am torturing myself.

If the depression doesn't kill me, the loneliness will.
I can't even fuck someone else because of you!

I hate this place I am in.

Rough day

Having a rough day. Jagged and raw and no where to hide.
Remember the pipe cleaner rings I made? I found them while dusting...memories of that day flood my mind and heart. Almost threw them out but I couldn't.

Images of you making love to her flashed in my mind. torturing my every moment today.
Listening to Adele playing in the background of my life doesn't help right now
but I guess I want to hurt and bleed a little.
Isn't that what you do when your heart hurts? bleed a little? to get rid of it...get rid of the pain, the memories? To release and cleanse your heart so you can love again? Feel again..look at woman again? Fuck again?

Can't seem to sit in alone today...feel empty and painful.
Change the music...that's enough for one day.

Regret and pussy

I kissed those lips, sucked those nipples and touched your skin.I had my hands all over your body, licked your cunt as it dripped for me. You were my muse, my passion, my love.
I was your first.
Will you remember me when she kisses you? will you compare her to me when she fucks you? Will being with her break the spell of me and my smell, my touch, my eyes?

I too will have to do the same to get past you....
It will be someone else's touch I respond to. Someone else's lips I will enjoy and the sweet smell of someone else's skin will create new euphoria's and memories.

Will I get past you? I will.... but my heart will have an ache that only you had filled. A peace even in the midst of a tornado, I found with you. What an odd place to be...

It is time to dive back into new pussy's and new eyes. New smiles that make me smile and new touches that make me cum.

But you....you I will regret because you were mine and I lost.

Thousands to say just a thought beyond my scope,
A Moment to place a time captured in you.
Ramming my fist inside that cunt I have fucked.

You stab a place so deep and then,
Withdraw the knife and shove my heart, my face, my lust for you,
in a box away from you.

I paid for my sins infliction.
I rooted in a cellar damp and wet.
And find you hate me? Use me? Unplanned for me?

If this moment opened in your cunt and bleed for me,
I would weep red for my decision.
I planned for you, grew from you and now....

I am lost without the smell of wet pussy and soaps I don't know.
I am not away from you.
Speak in lavenders and extasy.

The Lesbian Dream

It hangs in the air....
She no longer wants to be apart of me..
It doesn't matter that she hangs on...
It's not the same anymore..
The cord has been broken.

I am still apart of her life due to circumstances but
Sooner than later ....those ties will be cut too

Then....it will only be me...just me

Visions of her in another s arms flood my imagination
My vision with her ended.

The lesbian dream destroyed.
That's what it was for me....a vision of a lesbian life.
How I saw our happiness unfold...maybe that was always the problem?

Straight girl wanting a straight life with a lesbian woman?

There are lesbians and then there are lesbians....I am born into this life.
I breath it....she is a new flower...creating her own version of loving a woman.

Maybe it is just that simple?

Two different visions of happiness?

I can't change any of it. It is what it is. I loved her madly..that I know.

The dream has come to an end.

A plea to the big U

I don't sleep anymore...
I get through my day in a haze...
I know you did the right thing..
There was no other choice....

I just want you out of my thoughts
I'm catching a cold because I am exhausted
Please..if there is a universe, give me some rest
Sleep would be a welcome relief.

The drinking doesn't help,
The working out doesn't help
The distractions don't help.

Please...Ms. Universe...cut me some slack..
and give me peace.

The Lesbian Shuffle - Part 2

The curve of your face as I gently kiss your lips falls into my hand.
I feel your body hum as I touch you in the places that send you into ecstasy and
then...I wake up from this dream and I am alone...

Your smell still so strong in my nostrils, the taste of your lips, the wetness of your pussy still lingers on my finger tips.....it is torture...I stare away...
tears well up...

remembering your laugh and the deep mysteries of your eyes haunt me...
I will go out tonight trolling the bars for young girls...I need to forget you....to forget you were the one I let go...that slipped between my fingers.

I need to fall between someone Else's thighs to erase your smell or I will go mad.

I'm not looking for a "love connection"....still feeling the fall out of you leaving me for good...the pain is fresh and inescapable.
It's the aloneness. that I want to escape from....the memories that haunt me.

Alcohol and woman...amusements and escapes from my past. I will feel nothing except the warmth of another human being...for a moment...get lost in the pretend..the sex...and try very hard to forget you and it will be a lie. I know
it is but....
As a young woman walks by me and gives a look of want, I will grab her hand and for a brief while....delve into painless illusion and breath for a moment.

Jagged Little Pill

Take your medicine with a smile, that jagged little pill of humility
the knowledge of knowing...
it's not all about me...it's not always personal
My Life moves through my veins running hot, clean...
understanding....


Do you love yourself?
first thought that comes to mind....
I don't hate myself...laughing at my negotiations..
trying to manipulate myself?!

Young in my maturity...so many mistakes
a waterfall of flowers surround my thoughts of you...
there is no poison....just stumbling......
I do know when it is right..the path always widens when its right.
I can see so clearly.....
No questioning...peace and knowing.

Are you happy?
I can see it ...

The final goodbye

A place inside hurts and screams at what has been lost
I wanted so much more than this for myself,
I have learned to climb but still have more to conquer.
The next leg of the journey is to speak my truth..to be myself, alone again... without the walls of manipulation to protect my fears.

My heart is in pain. I have no words to express how I have failed.
It will pass...I will heal...I will learn from my mistakes and move on. I wish I didn't have to without you.

I so wanted you with me and move forward together on this journey but now I see.... in this reality that that dream is impossible. It's so horribly sad that turmoil and bitterness has stripped away all that was good between us and now, the woman I love, speaks to me in disdain, disinterest and fear...
How I loved you....you will never know how deep that dream went but I never, ever expressed it well.

I know how much I hurt you, smothered you and abused you and that reflects on my heart, my soul and I am ashamed. You didn't deserve any of it...always wanting to be right....controlling....I don't know why it was so important to change you.

Now...it truly is the final goodbye. I will no longer be this person and find my
dream, my life...my truth as I know that once i've learned the lessons..only then...will I have love for myself and others.

Goodbye baby xxoo

I dreamed of you......

I dreamed of you sitting at a desk, writing, with sheer white curtains blowing gently
from Mediterranean breezes through your window.
You were wearing a light cotton see through dress that barely hung from your shoulders,
leaving little to the imagination.
I, lounging in a over sized comfy couch, reading the latest Stephen King book
and my mind wandering to erotic places I haven't yet been with you.

You say that I am lazy, not interested but you don't know what I dream, what my reality is. Your mind is in dark and murky places...in past hurts... questioning if we have enough to be together...your moods roll like the waves of the sea and I can't reach you.
Life....this reality we live, is not what I dream of when I look into your eyes.

I asked for you. I dreamed of you. I still dream of you but this reality...this dream....almost makes it impossible to visit Venezuela with you. So many mistakes, so many transgressions, so many words that only say, "look at what you did to me!?" "See the scares you have inflicted on my heart? " You stole my dream!

Terrible things were said and done out of fear, out of pain, out of disappointment.

But I do remember you and the dream that is you.

Do you still want it?
Are your thoughts so clouded by what I am not and have forgotten what I can give you?
I still do dream of you...in those most erotic places of my mind.
By the sea, at the desk...your legs open for me to enter.

I remember the dream.

The Player

Count your blessings that you are not me.
I am the player, the rogue,
the possibility of finding happiness ....
is questionable.

I strut, I swagger, I blatantly stare and lust and when I am close to your ear,
I whisper what could be possible.Always in Character, always controlled, always alone.

I am the player. Too lazy, too Grey, to distant for emotional entanglements only wanting the fantasy,
the immediate heart pounding seconds that thrill, the conquest.

A player with only one agenda. To feel a hot wet pussy,to fulfill a woman desires and needs....her begging for release....and you give none...
its not your way.It's the tease you are addicted too. Its the dance of passion you live for. You are a slave to your own fantasy.

I am the player. I know no other way to be, to exist.
You ask for more, to take away the fantasy I have created and replace it with
What?
A life, a chance at a relationship, a chance at being real, just a chance.

I am the player, that has played myself out of time, out of wanting more, of
feeling what I need to feel, to love.

The player that stands alone and has no place to go.

The Dream

I love you...
Don't forget that.
You are my heart and my soul
but now.....we have to be apart.

I want to breath you in like I have never been able to.
I want to dance with you in the kitchen and
feel that you want all of me...even the ugly.

I want to make love to you in free abandon..
no demons...no constraints...
when you hug, breath deeply and embrace, cocoon in that warm place
love full, love hard baby...there is only one life.


I need you to embrace all of it....no more obligations
or reasons not to do...
I want reasons to do.

I want to save our money and travel...
I want to be the guilt ridden Catholic that I am,the worrier, the poet
and I want you to be the best tortured writer you can be
and watch you dance in the rain.

I love you
that will not change
but everything else must.

It May be Time

Pressing my face against the window,
mist from my breath fogs the glass.
A tear falls down my cheek,
as I trace a heart with your name in it.


I am a child again, lost and confused,
why am alone, why is my heart broken?
I don't want us to hurt each other anymore...
You haven't spoken to me....silent.


Posted a sign the other day,
I know I am difficult, aren't we all?
It's either all of me, or none of me.


The wall of history has divided us,
neither forgotten or forgiven.
No words between us can heal the wounds.


No matter how I love or cherish you,
you only see what I am not.
It may be time to say goodbye.

The ghosts of the past haunts.....
like circling vultures,
waiting for another opportunity to attack,
To destroy what is left.

I can't deny what I have contributed and
I cannot be any other person than who I am.
I am defined by my experiences...by my life...
as you are.

I touch the glass with my breath on it,
cool to the touch...
Drawing a line to the future...
The unknown....
It may be time to say goodbye.