The Ghost

Cleaning my house and you are on my mind,
Listening to music and you are on my mind....
Doesn't matter what I do, you are here...like a ghost.

What the Fuck!
I am over you, yet,...you are following me around...
I feel you....
I am being haunted by your energy....
It's the good things that move through me today...
Your body swaying to the music of Maysa...
Your piercing eyes....
your touch...your lips....
your incessant need to fill a room...


I have a random playlist playing in the background as I write
and Maysa comes on but not just any Maysa song....it's our song....
Inseparable...
I am possessed by you today and as I'm writing this, you send an email and text out of the blue...
You miss me and again I say..what the fuck??

I miss

There are times I miss you and then I remember the drama....
I see pictures pop up on Facebook of you and I and I remember the happy times
but they were infrequent and I had to be careful of what I said so I didn't burst the bubble.
I do miss you but I miss more of what could have been
I know I'm not easy...God I know!.... but neither were you.
I have been down a rabbit hole since I left you.
But I've always been there, it's just gotten deeper.
I don't know where I went?

I've stopped being me.
I was asked recently if I had any hobbies and realized, I've dropped them one by one over time.

I miss me....where did I go?
It isn't just about lack of money...
Not being able to have the relationships I want...
I was told recently that I don't think I'm worthy and this is why I am not fulfilled
I've been told this before and it is a truth but I've done nothing about it.

What is wrong with me that I don't want more for myself?
I've seen so many counsellors over the years and I hear what they sell but my fear keeps me
cemented where I am.
Was I always this way?
Drugs and alcohol masked it for years.
I miss my moments of happiness....
I miss my need for adventure...
I miss my friends and connections
I miss life.

I Regret

I regret I lost you too when our mother Died....Lost you long before then I think...just another nail in the coffin,
Don't you love the irony?


Remember the hours we spent together as children?
Playing, laughing talking and yes....fighting but we always found a way to come back to each other.

We became strangers at some point.Language sharp cruel Mean....

Crashed through a pane of glass in a drunken haze one night, blood everywhere...I remember your face when you were called to pick up the pieces of me.
You sat by my bed all night at the hospital...worried....angry...oh so angry.... was it then the disappointment was cemented?

I did it again didn't I? Made it all about me.Scared little girl, trapped in her torment, instead of being responsible and committed to your protection.
I feared your judgment that look in your eyes...
Disappointment one after another.....


I know why..you resented me.....
Your hatred was palatable and why not?
What did the woman in your life ever teach you?
We tortured your soul and crippled your love...always a let down...all alone
warped how you saw woman...

It's been so long now...

Can't turn back time...only can ask for forgiveness...

Midnight Special

Remember wolfman Jack and the Midnight special?
Tom Jones Gyrating on your TV screen....watched him dance...learned his moves
So young, always moving....learning
only remember memories loosely..feelings stay with me like shadows
Why don't I remember more of my past?
I remember photo clips of my life ...
click of the shutter, I remember her skin....his tongue
click....rough hands...boundary's crossed...couldn't say no....
click.....a moment of overwhelming shame...guilt...only did what I wanted
fuck the consequences....who I hurt
Click of the shutter button and 30 years later, my world is now a box
of same old, routines...excuses to not live...to not soar.
Is this what happens when you feel your life never had a purpose?
Click...clubs...dancing all night...such joy, freedom!
Click....eating junk food on weekends and watching movies...stuck in self pity and fatigue.
Click...Oh the kisses....the deep for hour kisses even before a hand cupped a breast..
I loved to feel their breath on my breath....my hands moving, feeling their soft skin...
making them ache to be touched where they are so wet...
Click....looking in the mirror...don't know who it is looking back at me now,
a shadow of that girl, that cocky boi....
I've lost her along the way to the couch,to the job, to the killer of dreams, routine.
I do remember this wasn't what I thought my life would be.
I thought it would have been more of a Midnight Special.