The Rants of a mad woman.

I always have an underlying feeling of panic in my relationship with my girlfriend, Trish. I'm not sure what is wrong with us.It's like being on a high wire never knowing when you will misstep and fall. We are both talkers and talk things to death and that is problematic for the most obvious reason, some things shouldn't be analysed or dissected. I'm not sure what the hell this is about but one week were okay and then either she or I says something to the other that causes hurt feelings or feelings of disrespect or God knows what else! Then watch out! Our conflicts would make a drag queen shudder at the drama! Anger, anxiety, abandonment, insecurity etc...every possible negative emotion you can think off threatens our relationship almost to collapse.
Then we make love ( that is amazing by the way) and for a few days maybe a few weeks everything is kinda okay but after a year and a half of this, I feel like I'm shell shocked from an on going war. Whats the term? combat fatigue..lol

I think this time, I started it by asking her to move in with me. I knew by the look in her eye the first time I seriously proposed the move, she was like a deer in the headlights. Absolute fear! You may ask, why? Why would I put myself in this position? You must have know from your past experience in this relationship, it could cause a huge conflict?

To tell you the truth,my intent was love. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and no one else. How crazy is that? She calls me on all my shit and never accepts my bullshit manipulations and I want to live with her...go figure. Honestly, I like that! I am a strange bird but bare with me on this. No one in a very long time has ever really loved me enough to put in the effort, to put a mirror up to my face and say to me, "take a good look at yourself. Do you like what you see?"
Even though we are combative and struggle with each others baggage, I know what I have contributed to her has been life changing. She can speak for herself but we have walked together on that high wire and have opened up our secrets, our fears, desires, strengths and weaknesses. When you share the most vulnerable part of yourself with someone you would think it would bring them closer together? It does and it doesn't!
For two people to exchange so much between them there has to be great trust, loyalty and love. So you ask, what's the problem? I think I'm bringing up more questions than answers...lol "sigh"


But the confrontations....Man...everything from I don't listen, to judging her and never accepting who she is..I could go on. It doesn't matter she is right on most everything but the delivery of the message taxes me..... the drama and stress of these types of conversations cause such anxiety in me and then exhaustion. One of the side affects is no sex drive. Nadda!
I am a eunuch for a few days. A little of me drains from each battle and I'm guessing it's the same for her.

I want it to stop. I am tired. Don't get me wrong, I have had relationships that have been challenging before but never this combative since my first and then...well...I don't have to say much...it was my first. She was older and wanted me to be someone I wasn't ready to be. Enough said.

So what is wrong with us??

I want it my way and she wants it her way and never shall the twain meet? Is it just that simple? Or am I a complete control freak and need her to adhere to an ideal...an image of what I think a relationship should be...perfection?( her words)
Could it be her fear, doubts...her dark moods that consume her and cause me to lose my Trish to the devil each time? When she goes there I am fearful and so difficult to deal with.

At our best,we are love. We really are perfect! We are creative, imaginative children playing in a garden. There is such a flow of passion, love and compassion and best of all, when we are truly all grown up,.. for a few minutes...peace. My God, that in its self is worth some of the crap we throw at each other but it's getting harder and we both know it.

I am a resolution person. If something is wrong fix it. Do what needs to be done. If therapy is the answer, do it. If talking directly and coming to a compromise will fix it, then do it but fix it!!

She believes in tough love and she ain't kidding. As much as I manipulate her and I do, she manipulates words and she's very good at it. Not confrontational in person but look out when she writes. She'll cut you in half. Me? I'm an idiot..lol Meaning...I should just step away when she is in the darkness but no...I'm a glutton for punishment and worst yet...I stir the pot. Why you ask? Because it scares me and I panic. She shuts down and my anxiety levels go up and I turn into an insecure child and I push her buttons so she will talk to me even if it's anger and most of the time...get this...I'm the one who has put her there intentionally or unintentionally in the first place.

My biggest peeve....don't tell me what to do.I do have authority issues.... when she speaks to me in that, "Listen to what I am telling you, you are 12 and I'm the grown up tone," I could smack her silly!
I'm guessing here but I think her peeve with me is not taking responsibility for my actions and being immature when I need to step up to the plate. She will correct me if I'm wrong. :)

I do know her intent is out of love and she worries about me and I love that about her. I just wish....man...I am stupid! She says these things to me out of love and concern. Did you get that??

I am fat. Her and I both know it and I complain on a daily basis because I feel like a failure because I can't seem to get a handle on it.She is tired of hearing the negativity ( a note here...she never complains about anything! Drives me crazy) So she blew up at me..ranted on her blog which I should have never read and another war began. Another struggle of wills and the anxiety sets in.

Now...one more day to my birthday party. It's been a very rough week and I feel like my party is the gift at the end of a very long road..lol She organized all of it with some of my input but mostly, she took care of it. She has such a gift for giving of herself with out asking for anything in return, one of her many strengths. I know she needs me to be better and I do watch her and listen even if she thinks I don't. As much as she looks up to me as,"Super lesbian", because of my vast experience in love making and just all round lesbian icon, she is my mentor. She really doesn't know how much I admire and respect her and someday I do hope to be a much better version of myself.

So after all is said and done, what do I take from my rantings today? Well...there are no direct answers, I have come up with more questions and in just over an hour I will see her smiling face.

Choi from the mad woman

July 31, 1994

Come and take me away
to that black abyss,
Where dreams are dead and words are useless.

Alice doesn't live here anymore,
They've taken her.

When I look into your eyes,
All my grief and sorrow vanishes,
and when I kiss your lips,
I am entirely healed and made whole again.

when I lean against your breast,
there comes over me a joy like that of heaven.

But when you say, " I love you",
I can only weep bitterly.

Dear God

Shades of gray, who am I now?
When did I become so ridged and judgmental?
Did I grow old overnight?
What happen to the fun me?

Who am I to say what is right for you.
The question I should ask myself, "is it right for me?"

I want love. I still need challenges to push me to be better but
can they not be tempered? Dear God....why so much?

I asked to be loved and you gave that to me.
I asked to not be alone but that came with strings attached.
I know you are with me and there are moments when you fill me.....
but peace is still ever allusive....and I still carry a restless soul.

I need answers. you say to me, stop thinking and just sit with you.
Do you know how hard that is?

There is an ache and sadness that has followed me all my life.
I was able for years to cover it with distractions, sex, alcohol and drugs.
I am humbling myself....Will you finally let me come to you?

I want happiness. I want to know who I am, accept it, and then embrace me.
I don't understand the lessons you are providing me.
No job, no money, the woman I love can't stand me and the relationship is in jeopardy and a birthday around the corner...
What do you want from me? Because I know it's something....

You have put many obstacles in my path over the years and you and I have been very angry at each other.
I think I've been more angry with you. :)
I have used the skills I learned from childhood to survive.
I have lied, cheated, manipulated and outsmarted people to get by.
it's what I know and I am very good at it.

Now....I am truly alone. You stand outside as usual watching me. I feel your eyes observing.... If I put this in her path, will she learn? Learn fucking what?

I know you want me to strip myself down. To take off all the armour and just be.. but I'm not that strong. Really...I'm not. I'm lazy and don't want to do this work. It's to hard! Goddamn you!!! I hate you for what you are putting me through and yes....just for Trish... I am playing the victim.
How about I take up drinking again? That would dull your voice in my head because yes...I do hear you God. Loud and clear.I wish you would just shut the fuck up!

I am so tired of fighting. Is that what you want? For me to lie down and accept what comes? If you continue this lesson, I guess that will be an eventuality. For you know how stubborn and willful I am and it does take time to break down my barriers but the barriers do come down and then what?

I have cried and had temper tantrums and have tried to manipulate you God. Now that is funny don't you think? Little ole me, trying to negotiate and manipulate a higher being who could snuff me out in a second!

Now that is arrogant!

Please help me make the right choices. I do need your guidance and I am truly tired of the struggle. Instinctively I know that when I understand and accept the lessons, that I won't feel alone and my life will be a happy one. So help me to be strong and brave. Help me see what is in front of me instead of what is behind. Lastly, help me find my worth and love within.

Amen

Who am I?

Over the course of my life, I have been been told by people, that I don't listen, that I am too self absorbed, that I am not grounded,I am critical, black and white etc.... and on the other side of that coin, I am told by another group of people,I am warm and loving, imaginative, giving, compassionate and kind.

So....who am I??

I have come to the realization,I have no backbone!I am just stating a fact.
No conviction in who I am, good or bad. I don't tell people, well I'm sorry, you can't have one half of me without the other. It's a package. I actually make excuses for my behavior because I am so terrified of being alone. Being abandoned and alone. Hmmm...quite pathetic Miss P!

I have baggage to work on and am working on. When friends and family bring up certain behaviors that they feel are problematic and reoccurring, it's tough to hear! I am always and continually a work in motion and struggling to be a better person. There are certain ways of speaking to me that either incite rebellion and non conformity or extreme love and self worth. When the positive happens, I am a bear of determination to succeed. When it's negative, I am my own wost enemy.

I grew up in a household of criticism, bulling and threats. No kind words of encouragement. No building of confidence. A land of loudness and abuse. I am no different then so many others who share backgrounds of abuse and then there are some that have had it much worse than I. It all comes down to how as individuals we are able to cope and survive. I coped in my way.

So my coping mechanisms have been mostly substance abuse, escapism and non conformity. I do not take responsibility for my actions and my life.As adventurous it is to some, most of my life has been about denial and what can I get from others apposed to what I can give and real honesty and character.

I am changing now due to life's trials, tragedies and successes. I now have a list of what I need to be successful as a human being. I am not going to get all warm and fuzzy but very real. So here it goes:

1. Accept criticism, you learn from it but only accept it if it is given from love. I will not accept criticism that is from anger, power or control.

2. Give to anyone of myself at least once a day. It's good for the heart!

3. Don't base Major life decisions on loneliness and abandonment triggers, it's just not honest.

4. When your "it" voice is in play, really listen carefully. Hear that voice for what it is. Understand it is there to paralyze you from moving in a positive direction.

5. Most importantly,...know thy self. Have confidence in what I say and do. Understand my weaknesses and strengths and don't allow others to make me feel insignificant and small.They can not take away my thunder only I can. Stand up for yourself and love who you are.

6. Love, live and patience. Learn to develop patience for yourself or you can't give to others. Give yourself a break! Really! Relax..enjoy and live.


So...that's not to big a list! I guess I'm the only one who's going to be able to give me positive reinforcement and I think that's they way it should be. As always, trying to figure it all out. Sheez...does it ever end? :)

Fear

swirling shadows of fog and mirrors..
a dark figure looms ahead of you, clouding your thoughts
petrified to move forward, for it matches your every move..
always whispering in your ear, the seeds of doubt....
not able to move around it's dark shadow for it blocks your every move towards...
happiness?....love?......you?

I reach a hand out to you....our fingers inches away from each other....I hope for you....
Fear grips your very being....it is such a powerful force.....
I can't bring you to me,it standing between us.....

A wall so large that I am unable to scale it. Frustration and sadness envelopes me

Tears fall down my cheeks for it wins your soul, time and time again... and I can only stand alone without you....

She Loves me

She wants to kiss me....
Full, lush, soft lips on mine..
Our first kiss sent me to places I had forgotten about.
when I close my eyes, I see her naked, cool brown skin...
I hear a waterfall in the background...feel warmth in the air and the sun
falls warmly on her skin.
As much as I am restless, wandering and not sure where I fit in this world,
when I am with her, I am home.

She wants me....
yearns for my tongue, my fingers, my cock...
As I lie on top of her and push in so slowly,
she sighs, groans and reaches for my harness to pull me closer, deeper.
Never, ever enough of her.

She consumes me...
with her eyes, her hands, her words..
we talk of travels, of her writing and her place in this new world she is exploring.
Her fears, doubts....I am so possessed by her.
Her smell lingers in my nostrils, her voice in my ears and her lips on my nipples.

She loves me....
Worries about my health...asks if I'm being fulfilled...needs to text me, talk to me
needs me. It's been so long since someone has needed me. I need her...
I am so flawed but that doesn't stop her from loving me. As afraid as she is of all the possibilities, the consumptions as we entwine our hearts, our souls....
she Loves me.

My Valentine

I found her heart in all the turmoil,
soft and yielding...passionate and free.
Her fear is breaking up into small fly away pieces that
are leaving as she moves into
a place of love and adventure.

Our souls touched the first time we met and
they have never stopped touching, caressing and loving.
The path is unknown but I know who I want to walk with...
She touched me so early on that it at times brings me to tears of joy
of surprise
of vulnerability...

I am some what astonished as to where she has brought me..
who I am with her
and how she has changed me.

This is my Valentines to you, my love, my heart, myself.