Dear God

Shades of gray, who am I now?
When did I become so ridged and judgmental?
Did I grow old overnight?
What happen to the fun me?

Who am I to say what is right for you.
The question I should ask myself, "is it right for me?"

I want love. I still need challenges to push me to be better but
can they not be tempered? Dear God....why so much?

I asked to be loved and you gave that to me.
I asked to not be alone but that came with strings attached.
I know you are with me and there are moments when you fill me.....
but peace is still ever allusive....and I still carry a restless soul.

I need answers. you say to me, stop thinking and just sit with you.
Do you know how hard that is?

There is an ache and sadness that has followed me all my life.
I was able for years to cover it with distractions, sex, alcohol and drugs.
I am humbling myself....Will you finally let me come to you?

I want happiness. I want to know who I am, accept it, and then embrace me.
I don't understand the lessons you are providing me.
No job, no money, the woman I love can't stand me and the relationship is in jeopardy and a birthday around the corner...
What do you want from me? Because I know it's something....

You have put many obstacles in my path over the years and you and I have been very angry at each other.
I think I've been more angry with you. :)
I have used the skills I learned from childhood to survive.
I have lied, cheated, manipulated and outsmarted people to get by.
it's what I know and I am very good at it.

Now....I am truly alone. You stand outside as usual watching me. I feel your eyes observing.... If I put this in her path, will she learn? Learn fucking what?

I know you want me to strip myself down. To take off all the armour and just be.. but I'm not that strong. Really...I'm not. I'm lazy and don't want to do this work. It's to hard! Goddamn you!!! I hate you for what you are putting me through and yes....just for Trish... I am playing the victim.
How about I take up drinking again? That would dull your voice in my head because yes...I do hear you God. Loud and clear.I wish you would just shut the fuck up!

I am so tired of fighting. Is that what you want? For me to lie down and accept what comes? If you continue this lesson, I guess that will be an eventuality. For you know how stubborn and willful I am and it does take time to break down my barriers but the barriers do come down and then what?

I have cried and had temper tantrums and have tried to manipulate you God. Now that is funny don't you think? Little ole me, trying to negotiate and manipulate a higher being who could snuff me out in a second!

Now that is arrogant!

Please help me make the right choices. I do need your guidance and I am truly tired of the struggle. Instinctively I know that when I understand and accept the lessons, that I won't feel alone and my life will be a happy one. So help me to be strong and brave. Help me see what is in front of me instead of what is behind. Lastly, help me find my worth and love within.

Amen