The Rants of a mad woman.

I always have an underlying feeling of panic in my relationship with my girlfriend, Trish. I'm not sure what is wrong with us.It's like being on a high wire never knowing when you will misstep and fall. We are both talkers and talk things to death and that is problematic for the most obvious reason, some things shouldn't be analysed or dissected. I'm not sure what the hell this is about but one week were okay and then either she or I says something to the other that causes hurt feelings or feelings of disrespect or God knows what else! Then watch out! Our conflicts would make a drag queen shudder at the drama! Anger, anxiety, abandonment, insecurity etc...every possible negative emotion you can think off threatens our relationship almost to collapse.
Then we make love ( that is amazing by the way) and for a few days maybe a few weeks everything is kinda okay but after a year and a half of this, I feel like I'm shell shocked from an on going war. Whats the term? combat fatigue..lol

I think this time, I started it by asking her to move in with me. I knew by the look in her eye the first time I seriously proposed the move, she was like a deer in the headlights. Absolute fear! You may ask, why? Why would I put myself in this position? You must have know from your past experience in this relationship, it could cause a huge conflict?

To tell you the truth,my intent was love. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and no one else. How crazy is that? She calls me on all my shit and never accepts my bullshit manipulations and I want to live with her...go figure. Honestly, I like that! I am a strange bird but bare with me on this. No one in a very long time has ever really loved me enough to put in the effort, to put a mirror up to my face and say to me, "take a good look at yourself. Do you like what you see?"
Even though we are combative and struggle with each others baggage, I know what I have contributed to her has been life changing. She can speak for herself but we have walked together on that high wire and have opened up our secrets, our fears, desires, strengths and weaknesses. When you share the most vulnerable part of yourself with someone you would think it would bring them closer together? It does and it doesn't!
For two people to exchange so much between them there has to be great trust, loyalty and love. So you ask, what's the problem? I think I'm bringing up more questions than answers...lol "sigh"


But the confrontations....Man...everything from I don't listen, to judging her and never accepting who she is..I could go on. It doesn't matter she is right on most everything but the delivery of the message taxes me..... the drama and stress of these types of conversations cause such anxiety in me and then exhaustion. One of the side affects is no sex drive. Nadda!
I am a eunuch for a few days. A little of me drains from each battle and I'm guessing it's the same for her.

I want it to stop. I am tired. Don't get me wrong, I have had relationships that have been challenging before but never this combative since my first and then...well...I don't have to say much...it was my first. She was older and wanted me to be someone I wasn't ready to be. Enough said.

So what is wrong with us??

I want it my way and she wants it her way and never shall the twain meet? Is it just that simple? Or am I a complete control freak and need her to adhere to an ideal...an image of what I think a relationship should be...perfection?( her words)
Could it be her fear, doubts...her dark moods that consume her and cause me to lose my Trish to the devil each time? When she goes there I am fearful and so difficult to deal with.

At our best,we are love. We really are perfect! We are creative, imaginative children playing in a garden. There is such a flow of passion, love and compassion and best of all, when we are truly all grown up,.. for a few minutes...peace. My God, that in its self is worth some of the crap we throw at each other but it's getting harder and we both know it.

I am a resolution person. If something is wrong fix it. Do what needs to be done. If therapy is the answer, do it. If talking directly and coming to a compromise will fix it, then do it but fix it!!

She believes in tough love and she ain't kidding. As much as I manipulate her and I do, she manipulates words and she's very good at it. Not confrontational in person but look out when she writes. She'll cut you in half. Me? I'm an idiot..lol Meaning...I should just step away when she is in the darkness but no...I'm a glutton for punishment and worst yet...I stir the pot. Why you ask? Because it scares me and I panic. She shuts down and my anxiety levels go up and I turn into an insecure child and I push her buttons so she will talk to me even if it's anger and most of the time...get this...I'm the one who has put her there intentionally or unintentionally in the first place.

My biggest peeve....don't tell me what to do.I do have authority issues.... when she speaks to me in that, "Listen to what I am telling you, you are 12 and I'm the grown up tone," I could smack her silly!
I'm guessing here but I think her peeve with me is not taking responsibility for my actions and being immature when I need to step up to the plate. She will correct me if I'm wrong. :)

I do know her intent is out of love and she worries about me and I love that about her. I just wish....man...I am stupid! She says these things to me out of love and concern. Did you get that??

I am fat. Her and I both know it and I complain on a daily basis because I feel like a failure because I can't seem to get a handle on it.She is tired of hearing the negativity ( a note here...she never complains about anything! Drives me crazy) So she blew up at me..ranted on her blog which I should have never read and another war began. Another struggle of wills and the anxiety sets in.

Now...one more day to my birthday party. It's been a very rough week and I feel like my party is the gift at the end of a very long road..lol She organized all of it with some of my input but mostly, she took care of it. She has such a gift for giving of herself with out asking for anything in return, one of her many strengths. I know she needs me to be better and I do watch her and listen even if she thinks I don't. As much as she looks up to me as,"Super lesbian", because of my vast experience in love making and just all round lesbian icon, she is my mentor. She really doesn't know how much I admire and respect her and someday I do hope to be a much better version of myself.

So after all is said and done, what do I take from my rantings today? Well...there are no direct answers, I have come up with more questions and in just over an hour I will see her smiling face.

Choi from the mad woman