Who am I?

Over the course of my life, I have been been told by people, that I don't listen, that I am too self absorbed, that I am not grounded,I am critical, black and white etc.... and on the other side of that coin, I am told by another group of people,I am warm and loving, imaginative, giving, compassionate and kind.

So....who am I??

I have come to the realization,I have no backbone!I am just stating a fact.
No conviction in who I am, good or bad. I don't tell people, well I'm sorry, you can't have one half of me without the other. It's a package. I actually make excuses for my behavior because I am so terrified of being alone. Being abandoned and alone. Hmmm...quite pathetic Miss P!

I have baggage to work on and am working on. When friends and family bring up certain behaviors that they feel are problematic and reoccurring, it's tough to hear! I am always and continually a work in motion and struggling to be a better person. There are certain ways of speaking to me that either incite rebellion and non conformity or extreme love and self worth. When the positive happens, I am a bear of determination to succeed. When it's negative, I am my own wost enemy.

I grew up in a household of criticism, bulling and threats. No kind words of encouragement. No building of confidence. A land of loudness and abuse. I am no different then so many others who share backgrounds of abuse and then there are some that have had it much worse than I. It all comes down to how as individuals we are able to cope and survive. I coped in my way.

So my coping mechanisms have been mostly substance abuse, escapism and non conformity. I do not take responsibility for my actions and my life.As adventurous it is to some, most of my life has been about denial and what can I get from others apposed to what I can give and real honesty and character.

I am changing now due to life's trials, tragedies and successes. I now have a list of what I need to be successful as a human being. I am not going to get all warm and fuzzy but very real. So here it goes:

1. Accept criticism, you learn from it but only accept it if it is given from love. I will not accept criticism that is from anger, power or control.

2. Give to anyone of myself at least once a day. It's good for the heart!

3. Don't base Major life decisions on loneliness and abandonment triggers, it's just not honest.

4. When your "it" voice is in play, really listen carefully. Hear that voice for what it is. Understand it is there to paralyze you from moving in a positive direction.

5. Most importantly,...know thy self. Have confidence in what I say and do. Understand my weaknesses and strengths and don't allow others to make me feel insignificant and small.They can not take away my thunder only I can. Stand up for yourself and love who you are.

6. Love, live and patience. Learn to develop patience for yourself or you can't give to others. Give yourself a break! Really! Relax..enjoy and live.


So...that's not to big a list! I guess I'm the only one who's going to be able to give me positive reinforcement and I think that's they way it should be. As always, trying to figure it all out. Sheez...does it ever end? :)