War Weary Lovers

When I look at the picture that I used for creating this blog I remember. The nipple clamps, the hand holding her in the middle of the chest and I remember why I chose it. The significance of sexual submission spoke to me. You were mine and I could do with you as a will when we made love. Complete trust.

The war between us has been on going for so long, I forgot the power we had. Strong, passionate and yes loving when I would allow it. The scars of life eventually chipped away at that love, that power. I brought to it intimacy and insecurity issues and you brought your inability to stand up to me and retain yourself because you wanted to please me so much and keep the peace which created moods and shutdowns. The war was ever so evident right from the beginning but we were so in love and both optimistic that we could get past these things...

We couldn't.Unhappiness was the result. Disappointment a constant. Lacklustre lovemaking was a result, animosity, mistrust and anger were a result.

We felt we lost our love for each other. That thing that binds, was lost.

When I finally left, I spent the next few months trying to sort myself out. Trying to find happy and joy. Maybe I did idealize us. So what? I am an idealist. Its part of who I am. I wanted to love you from that place and I did!

Real life caused me great havoc and distress and unhappiness. All I ever wanted to do was pack us up, move out of the city and live a life of happy and love with you. Its always been about you.

And that is what I do know. It's always been about you even when I sabotaged things between us.

As I worked with my counsellor, the realization that my critic controlled my life to the point that I didn't have one was a revelation.

Here I was alone again cause that critic dictated to me.

Through a strange and painful array of events, we have found that spark between us again. Both questioning it, mistrusting it and wondering what to do with it. Maybe it never left. Just hidden from the war. I'd like to think you can never really destroy true love. It just takes a hiatus from all the turmoil and pain and comes out again when we have learned to truly embrace it. You really cant destroy love. It's a gift. You either accept it or you don't.

I'd like to think that is true.