Simple

There are words that are said/written that for lack of a clearer definition, are delivered with such cruel intent that I have to ask myself, what have we done to each other to be at this point in time?

"You're not that complicated. Your needs and wants are fairly basic and simple. Like you." I am not normally a super defensive person. It's truly not in my nature but due to the heightened state of disintegration of my relationship with Trish, Such words carry sooo much weight that they cut...they hurt and they were meant to because I'm not delivering the goods.

I am not stepping up to the plate and I am not the lover she wants or requires and I guess that statement works both ways. I am tired and have been for awhile. From the very beginning of this relationship there was a tug of war. Not only were needs not being met but our individual visions of what we wanted from life and relationships has been on such different levels and different realities that no amount of perseverance has been able to bring us to a place of cohesion and peace .

I am a lesbian. What that means to me is so varied and layered. Complicated, emotional and as dramatic as it may be, that is who I am. I am also damaged. I admit that. Who isn't though? What I am trying to get at is maybe Trish and I should never had taken this journey together? We were/are so different in those base, fundamental needs and requirements to create a happy life together.

Trish has been right about one thing in particular and I will admit it now. I was trying to create her. I was trying to mold her into what I believed was the ideal Lesbian. That I didn't appreciate who she was and what her essence brought to the table, would be a lie. I loved her for who she was but I wanted to help her find her voice and mix who she was with what I wanted.

Was that my place my responsibility? No...I should have allowed her to find her own way but my insecurities and my history as a lesbian woman had no patience for her journey. I was not prepared for the long process of Trish's coming out. I wanted it all together in a nice neat package.When I first made love to a woman,I found my voice and my home but for Trish, it was a long complicated process and it was made more complicated, anxiety ridden and painful because I made it that way.I should have never been her first! I should have been her next.Trish should have flowered, found herself and her place as a lesbian. All I cared about is that I loved her and wanted her in my bed. I wanted what I wanted at all costs. I didn't think logically or about her needs. I didn't listen to my warning bells or to her. I threw caution to the wind and only followed my heart and now?




Now...we are here. In this place of pain, hurt, anger and resentment. We don't truly speak to each other. Its been a very long time since we trusted each other and after so many battles, words of pain and anger, I am the selfish, self absorbed bully and she is the manipulative, cruel bitch. Underlining all of this is deep hostility and it will not end well.


I wrote a while back (that seems like an eternity now)about how we had broken up and not seen each other in years and by chance, ran into each other at a street corner. We exchanged pleasantries and I was thinking how strange it was that the person I shared all of myself with, made love to in so many ways that I lived with and breathed in everyday was now standing with me on a street corner exchanging niceties with me and that dream was just a sweet memory and nothing more. You could see the sadness of what was and what could have been in our eyes for only a second, that neither one of us actually recognized it. Maybe later in the day, maybe over dinner with our new partners or just hanging with friends, the memories might flood back with such clarity that your breath gets stuck and then.....its gone. Just like that. Maybe.


I've droned on for awhile now, trying to be as honest as I can with myself. Right now all Trish sees is unhappiness with me and all I see is unhappiness with her.

We once loved each other even through all the storms....that's over now and that, is how simple it is.