The Price of my temper

I have a temper. A pretty mean one actually. In the past I've been known to throw things, slapped a lover for cheating on me....once, said things that are abusive and scared the hell out of many woman in my life. I grew up with this behavior as part of my "normal" upbringing.

I'm a great person that doesn't believe they are a great person. I pick woman that push my buttons and I let them. I have very little self confidence and very little respect for myself. If I was much surer and less damaged, I do believe I would receive what I need and should have. The disrespect and bulling I seem to entice is nothing that I haven't put out there myself. As the Buddhists saying goes, you get what you put out into this universe and that mantra is my emotional life.

I am now in a place where I could make some choices of bravery. I am a coward when it comes to what I need. There's two kinds of selfish behavior in my opinion. There's the kind that rarely gives out to others unless they get something back in return and then there is the more damaging....selfish to ones self. Selfish to the point that you wont give to your heart what it truly needs because your scared and a coward. Selfish to live a life unfulfilled because its safe. So you stay unhappy in your relationships and with the world around you. I am selfish to myself for not living a better life.

The price for temper? Is the same price for an unhappy life. People who love you, stop trusting you. They are cruel in return and keep you at a distance as you are toxic for them.

What I want, I am not getting. I chose a road most traveled over the right one. I always make that choice.

So ...what can I do for myself? What changes can I make that wont scare the shit out of me but allow me some small bits of happiness?

Trish doesn't like it when I ask questions but for me, my fear demands answers. My demons require it.


There is a price for everything you don't allow yourself to be.