The Line

To be in a position where you finally realize that you do have a line that can be crossed is a bittersweet moment.I don't care about appearances or the Jones. I don't gossip and I do try to strive to be a better person.There have been amazing experiences in recent years that have taught me how to come out of myself and give to others like no other time in my life but I have also allowed myself to be used and emotionally stepped upon because I am a very giving, caring and forgiving person. I have always tried to see the best in people and the people I love, get even further slack. No matter what the manipulation, or how selfish that person is I give them the benefit of the doubt. I figure I am the queen of manipulation and guilt tactics so who am I to judge?

But there is a line. There is a point where you realize that the balance of negative energy out weights the positive. Where someone in your life is dragging you into their depression, their angst and their unhappiness. There are very few happy moments between you. That neither one of you is being heard and you do try over and over again to capture the best between you, to change the way things are, to have a voice in your destiny, to have balance of positive space and you fill up on those fleeting moments because you know, sadly, they don't stay long but you keep plugging on hoping....hoping for things to get better.

Each time something happens, a word, a phrase, a perceived slight, a selfish moment etc.... you both step away, hoping that when you get back together, something has changed for the better.That some how you can be happy together. After all, look at everything you've been through as a couple? Are we not warriors in love? Have we not battled the ghosts of the past, the present?

Then something happens that brings the full reality into your face.You get kicked in the emotional balls and your heart and your mind finally agree. It's enough. That nothing will change. That you will never have the kind of future you have been hoping for.That happiness with that person is fleeting. That it doesn't matter what she says or does, it can't be fixed this time. No words of love or anger is going to bring you back into that loving place because for whatever the reason, the line was finally crossed and there is no going back.

For now....I am alone and I think it's going to stay that way. I will find work, do my mentoring, love my friends and family the best way I can and remember if it wasn't for this relationship, I don't think I could have done this without her. She awoke in me a wonderful sleeping giant and I am so grateful for that. Now......I continue to move forward and let life lead me to wherever.I am becoming a full person again. The bitter irony, is she will not there to enjoy the fruits of all the hard work that got me here.