In Her Way

She simply can't let go of her past. I can't compete with Mike and I realize now it's never been his doing. I don't think he has ever really stood in my way except that he is still in love with Trish and will do whatever she asks of him and that has always made me feel uncomfortable but I don't blame him.She is a bright, funny sensual woman, whats not to love?
Trish just won't let go of the security that Mike offers her. She has never trusted me and our relationship and because of that, it has never rooted and I doubt it ever will.

Whom ever she involves herself with will have to accept she will never be 100% involved in a relationship with them. The pull of family is too strong because she never had one she could trust as a child until Mike...and he gives her all that she craves. How can you compete with that? She may want sex and passion from you but Mike has given her the meat and potatoes....you are just desert so why would she want to build a life with you?. It doesn't matter that you have given 2 years of your life to her. It doesnt matter that you want to create an extended family with her or that after all the shit we had put each other through, that your still here.

I have always seen a future that included a family. Not in a traditional sense but where friends and family would come over for special events. That it would be a mix of Gay, straight...whatever....people that we loved and cared about, sharing a holiday. Creating our own traditions.

Last night...she absolutely shattered my dreams. After all the work, pain and triumphs, she still puts me second. I will never have with her what I deserve and what she longs for. Her insensitivity is due to her not getting past...her past and not being able to see her future with me or someone else. She will not, can not create a life with me as long as she sees Mike as her prime caregiver and protector. I see the truth now and no matter how I wish it, it's not going to happen and unfold as it should.

It's time to take my toys and go home. I don't want or deserve this kind of pain and rejection. I want a future and if it's not with her, then with no one.If I am destined to be alone,.....so be it.