The Deconstruction of Trish and Pauline

This has to be one of the most difficult times in my life. My emotions run from compassion for what Trish is going through to impatience to anger to love, to depression and so forth. I feel like Jeckle and Hyde! I can't seem to stay in one place. I want to stay in contact with her and I don't. If you break up with some one, no matter what the reasons, you should lick your wounds and move on, right?

It doesn't help that I'm not working. What I wouldn't do for the bliss and curse of routine right now. Work fills a sense of purpose and doing. I have to much time on my hands to mope and brood over my breakup and as much as I would dread getting up at an ungodly hour in the morning or an afternoon shift, I wish for a day filled with distractions and tasks.

I miss her so much, I ache inside. I realized this morning that what I miss about her is her love. When Trish is happy, there is an aura of light about her that is contagious. That light was what first drew me to her and when it's around, it still does.
I have come to the conclusion that I have participated in the deconstruction of Trish and Pauline.

The Irony was that that light I was attracted to, I helped snuff out. Due to my own insecurities and demons, due to the circumstances of how are relationship began and due to how we individually responded to stressors, emotional challenges and our own wounded children and growth as adults all came together to create a combustible, passionate union, that was in reality destined to fail. It lasted as long as it did because despite all our dysfunctional behavior towards each other, deep in the pit of the demon, a seed of love emerged that was so powerful, it kept bringing us together, time after time after time again.

We are now in a place of limbo. Trish said it best, " She can't move back and can't move forward, she is stuck". I do understand as I feel the same way. We want the same things from each other. Love, respect and most of all balance and a comfortable peace between us. As usual we both have different views as to how to achieve these goals. :) I do smile because this is indicative of how we are together, how we process and resolve personal issues and of course argue about who is right. lol

I believe we need outside help from a therapist. An impartial observer into our lives that can help us navigate and teach us new skills to communicate and resolve our issues. I have been very lucky in my life when it comes to therapy. I totally detested the idea when I was young because my mother was a firm believer in it due to the fact she was a social worker and believed that if you cant sort it out, get help! I was young and rebellious and my mother was always using her phycobabble on me when we spoke and it infuriated me that she didn't speak to me as my mother and not some amature phycologist! Sound familiar Trish? It's funny that Trish accuses me of doing the very same thing my mother did and I have to smile at that irony. I did turn into the poster child for promoting therapy after all. Luckily, certain events unfolded in my life that steered me to seek help and to a good therapist. I was able to work through some major issues in my life at that time and move forward. As always life is a never ending series of challenges and this definitely is one of those times where I feel, we could benefit as a couple, from someone that has the expertise in these types of unresolved conflicts.


I can't speak for Trish but from what she has told me, she does not believe she would benefit from therapy. I know she has had some experience with a therapist and she has never said what had happened to turn her off of the process, just that it wasn't for her. She says things like we shouldn't be going through all this stuff as a young couple starting out and in my mind it's like, who says? There is no statute of limitations on when a person should or shouldn't go into therapy! My belief is if we love each other so much, wouldn't you do whatever needs to be done to make it healthy? To continue loving each other the way we really want to?

Or maybe the truth is so much simpler.There have been personal challenges between us and individually but Trish never got to break up with her husband and go it alone. She has never been able to sort through her feelings about herself. She doesn't know who she is...alone.

And that.....is it isn't it? So because Trish need to journey to Trish, I am secondary and I feel wounded all the time because I am not first. I lash out at her, say terrible thinks to her, try to possess her all because I have always been secondary to what she needs to do for herself. Until she is able to know and understand who she is in all this and develop a happy and balanced life for herself, we won't work.

Fuck...that sucks for me!

I guess this is where I stop as I have no end for what I have just written. We are broken up because we can't move from this place. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to move forward without her. She is my soul mate,my kindred and I can't seem to be the bigger person and let her go. So I stay here in this limbo of personal hell.I guess eventually like all things, I will move from here because it's not a healthy place to be but for now, this is where I am.

So Trish and Pauline end here? Maybe a new story will emerge? As I said, I have no end to what I have written and maybe that is the best place to be for now....