Who I am.

It's been awhile since I spoke about myself and my journey.
I guess I was enjoying my reconnect to self so much. :) It's ironic that I have ended up at the beginning. The child I was is now the adult.
I was always a strange duck. Quite introverted as a child.
very happy in my books,my drawings and playing fantasy games with my brother.

My Mother use to kick me out of the house as she was worried that I always had my nose in a book and wasn't engaging with other kids.

Not until my 20's did I become more social. Not because I had changed much just that I had found the key to being like everyone else....

drugs and alcohol.

When I drank, I was social, charming, engaging. When I smoked, I was comfortable in my own skin enough to play music for others
and to express myself as me. I didn't care that I didn't fit in or about what others thought.

Recently Lynx was home for 10 days. Haven't seen her in almost 2 years. It was so wonderful to reconnect.

We had one of our deep conversations in the tree house that I miss terribly and she asked me an interesting question.

What do I get from my relationship with Bella that I don't get from my relationships with woman?

It really wasn't that hard to answer. Unconditional love.
I have been involved with some amazing woman but I never felt they truly understood me. They needed me to be someone else. Someone more nurturing, more engaging than I was. There was an overall theme. I was too self absorbed and they felt left out of my life or I was unhappy with them.

Bella lets me be me. I yell at her sometimes cause her meowing drives me crazy. When I'm cranky, I shoo her away and she lets me be and lets me love her on my terms. She never gets offended or hurt and a few minutes later she's back to her old self.
Strangely this relationship hasn't given me insight into myself. She knows I love her. I shower her with affection. We have a regular cuddle time every evening and like most cats it lasts about 1/2 hr and she's off. lol It works. And because I am comfortable in this warm cocoon of give and take, I am happy and secure. We only demand from each other what we can give. No hurt feelings, no long talks about how I am not happy or not supportive etc,no guilt or being made to feel I'm failing my partner etc....

I am happy. I am me. Lynx suggested that there is someone out there that would accept me for who I am not. Remember the quote" You get more flies with sugar than salt?" That is me. If my heart is free to flourish at it's own pace, the more my partner receives from me. Love this chart.

In all that I have learned about myself and the peace I have found in my reconnection, there is still an emptiness. That place that belongs to her. I have daydreams, wishes of us reconnecting. Us both being happier people and being able to bring back what we have learned and accepted about ourselves....to each other.
I wish on a pretty daily bases that we were still together knowing what I know now. Wondering if we could accept and respect who we are without the drama and the angst. That we could love like we wanted....feel like we wanted....embrace being alive and happy.
Maybe it is a dream but dreams do come true. As always, I leave a light on in the kitchen in hopes she will reach out and say," Yes...she is ready".