I will only miss you

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. ~Thomas à Kempis, Imitation of Christ, c.1420



Trish and I have finally come to that place that all relationships go to when they end. A graveyard of numbness and distance. We are still living together till the end of the month and then I leave. I have an apartment in a friends house. I am not going to rehash our history and I am not going to play she said, I said and who did what to whom.
I know we really have to end this for we have not been able to solve the perils of Trish and Pauline. I do believe in certain truths as to why we have failed so badly and the ultimate truth was I am a gay woman, wanting a gay relationship. I loved Trish very much and still do but Trish stands in the way of her own happiness.She is one of the most defensive and self righteous people I know. She doesn't allow herself to be completely open and it's really not her fault as she never had time to end her old life. She went from old to new, in a heartbeat and me......I am sooo fucking impatient. I have always wanted what I want...now. I believed I could bring her into my world in an instant and Viola....instant lesbian! I can be very naive in my stubborn idealism and for my part, I ruined the journey for her by not standing back and letting her flower at her pace.
From my point of view, Trish has, since I've known her, come from a place of fear, defensiveness, is inconsistent in pursuing her desires and dreams. She blames me and others for not following through on what she wanted. Her favorite phase is: there are too many distractions or I changed my mind. I don't know how many times I've heard her say things out loud about what she wants to do for herself and she never follows through. The worst part is she blames everyone but herself.

I do see myself reflected in her personality and one of the many things I have learned on this journey was to embraced consistency in my own life. I actually followed through with Children's Aid because of Trish. I am volunteering and soon to be mentoring a teen because she made me realize I did the same thing! I didn't follow through on my desires and I can do as she does and wait for the "right moment" but what if the right moment never comes?
She has taught me that. To move on what I desire as there will never be a right moment other than now.

I have also learned that I am good enough. Strangely all the negatives that were thrown at me have made me stronger. The constant guilty manipulative words that made me feel unworthy were just a reflection of how I felt about me and I let it happen. She said these things because she did not have control of her own life, her desires and her journey. I have finally realized this wasn't ever about me. I will admit, in my selfish need to obtain her, I didn't really see her and now....I do.

I do believe Trish, my Trish, the woman I made love to, who spoke with me in soft tones, who shared my world of fantasy with me and who's eyes spoke of deep emotions and intensity will be much more present than the woman of hardness, defensiveness and fear. I do believe she will step through someday and I wish her well on her journey to self. :)